Read Online The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane - Free Book Online
Authors: Olivia Fox Cabane
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damage. Once we see this feeling as normal and even something to be expected, it becomes much easier to bear. As with any discomfort or difficult feeling, it is helpful to remember that shame is a standard part of the human experience, and that
everyone
feels it from time to time.
Putting It into Practice: Destigmatizing Discomfort
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing:
Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.
What you’ve just learned is how to destigmatize internal discomfort, which increases your resiliency to charisma-impairing negativity. Just by gaining these tools, you’ve raised your charisma level. These are important tools you’ll be using repeatedly throughout the rest of the book.
Step Two: Neutralize Negativity
Once you’ve destigmatized the experience, the next step in handling internal negativity is to neutralize negative thoughts. The best way to do this is to realize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate at all.
Do you remember Tom’s and Paul’s experience at the restaurant caused by the itchy black suit? Even when it seems clear that someone is reacting negatively to us, what we’re seeing in their face might have nothing to do with us. What’s going on that we can’t see? Are they hungry, sick, or tired? Maybe they’re in some kind of mental or physical discomfort that they’re struggling to manage.
The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort. You might be catching the surface tremors of an internal tempest, and there’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you or what you’ve just said.
This reminder helps me on a regular basis. When I’m involved in a conversation and I catch a tone of annoyance or impatience in someone’s voice, or when I see a fleeting negative expression cross their face, sometimes I still feel instinctively dismayed. It’s hard not to assume that what I’ve just seen is a reaction to what I’ve just said. But right on the heels of this instinctive reaction comes the recognition that whatever I’ve seen may well be the sign of how they’re feeling about themselves, an itchy wool suit, or something else entirely.
One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind’s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.
In one well-known study, Harvard researchers asked the participants to watch a short video in which two groups of people passed around a basketball. They were asked to count the number of passes made by one of the teams. Partway through the video, a woman walked onto the court wearing a full gorilla suit.
After watching the video, the participants were asked if they sawanything out of the ordinary take place. In most groups more than half missed the gorilla even though it had waved its arms at the camera! 2
Think you’d do better? You can try this out for yourself:
Right now, look around the room and notice everything that’s blue.
Now keep your eyes glued to this page. Without lifting your eyes, think of everything in the room that is red.
Really. Bear with me. Give it your best try.
Now look around. Do you see a lot more red all of a sudden?
Why did this happen? We have a limited capacity for conscious attention, which
everyone
feels it from time to time.
Putting It into Practice: Destigmatizing Discomfort
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing:
Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.
What you’ve just learned is how to destigmatize internal discomfort, which increases your resiliency to charisma-impairing negativity. Just by gaining these tools, you’ve raised your charisma level. These are important tools you’ll be using repeatedly throughout the rest of the book.
Step Two: Neutralize Negativity
Once you’ve destigmatized the experience, the next step in handling internal negativity is to neutralize negative thoughts. The best way to do this is to realize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate at all.
Do you remember Tom’s and Paul’s experience at the restaurant caused by the itchy black suit? Even when it seems clear that someone is reacting negatively to us, what we’re seeing in their face might have nothing to do with us. What’s going on that we can’t see? Are they hungry, sick, or tired? Maybe they’re in some kind of mental or physical discomfort that they’re struggling to manage.
The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort. You might be catching the surface tremors of an internal tempest, and there’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you or what you’ve just said.
This reminder helps me on a regular basis. When I’m involved in a conversation and I catch a tone of annoyance or impatience in someone’s voice, or when I see a fleeting negative expression cross their face, sometimes I still feel instinctively dismayed. It’s hard not to assume that what I’ve just seen is a reaction to what I’ve just said. But right on the heels of this instinctive reaction comes the recognition that whatever I’ve seen may well be the sign of how they’re feeling about themselves, an itchy wool suit, or something else entirely.
One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind’s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.
In one well-known study, Harvard researchers asked the participants to watch a short video in which two groups of people passed around a basketball. They were asked to count the number of passes made by one of the teams. Partway through the video, a woman walked onto the court wearing a full gorilla suit.
After watching the video, the participants were asked if they sawanything out of the ordinary take place. In most groups more than half missed the gorilla even though it had waved its arms at the camera! 2
Think you’d do better? You can try this out for yourself:
Right now, look around the room and notice everything that’s blue.
Now keep your eyes glued to this page. Without lifting your eyes, think of everything in the room that is red.
Really. Bear with me. Give it your best try.
Now look around. Do you see a lot more red all of a sudden?
Why did this happen? We have a limited capacity for conscious attention, which
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