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Authors: Olivia Fox Cabane
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an unhelpful thought that could create internal negativity.
Some of my clients like to ask themselves, “What’s the worst that can happen?” As Churchill said, failure is seldom fatal, and just realizing that even the worst-case scenario is survivable can bolster your confidence. Although for some people this can backfire—imagining the worst-case scenario increases their anxiety—it’s worth a try to see whether it works for you.
Putting It into Practice:
Neutralizing Negativity
Use the techniques below anytime you’d like to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts. As you try each technique, pay attention to which ones work best for you and keep practicing them until they become instinctive. You may also discover some of your own that work just as well.
♦ Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.
♦ See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.
♦ Assign a label to your negative experience: self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it.
♦ Depersonalize the experience. Rather than saying “I’m feeling ashamed,” try “There is shame being felt.” Imagine that you’re a scientist observing a phenomenon: “How interesting, there are self-critical thoughts arising.”
♦ Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your country, your city, and finally the room you’re in. See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment.
♦ Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio to the side and let it chatter away.
♦ Consider the worst-case outcome for your situation. Realize that whatever it is, you’ll survive.
♦ Think of all the previous times when you felt just like this—that you wouldn’t make it through—and yet clearly you did.
We’re learning here to
neutralize
unhelpful thoughts. We want to avoid falling into the trap of arguing with them or trying to suppress them. This would only make matters worse. Consider this: if I ask you
not
to think of a white elephant—don’t picture a white elephant at all, please!—what’s the first thing your brain serves up? Right. Saying “No white elephants” leads to troops of white pachyderms marching through your mind.
Steven Hayes and his colleagues studied our tendency to dwell on the forbidden by asking participants in controlled research studies to spend just a few minutes
not
thinking of a yellow jeep. For many people, the forbidden thought arose immediately, and with increasing frequency. For others, even if they were able to suppress the thought for a short period of time, at some point they broke down and yellow-jeep thoughts rose dramatically. Participants reported thinking about yellow jeeps with some frequency for days and sometimes weeks afterward.
Because trying to suppress a self-critical thought only makes it more central to your thinking, it’s a far better strategy to simply aim to neutralize it.
You’ve taken the first two steps in handling internal negativity: destigmatizing discomfort and neutralizing negativity. The third and final step will help you not just to lessen internal negativity but to actually
replace
it with a different internal reality.
Step Three: Rewrite Reality
It’s eight A.M . on a Monday morning and you’re driving on the freeway, en route to an important meeting. You’ll be giving a thirty-minute presentation that could change the course of your career. You’re focused and calm. All of a sudden, a large black car cuts in front of you,
Some of my clients like to ask themselves, “What’s the worst that can happen?” As Churchill said, failure is seldom fatal, and just realizing that even the worst-case scenario is survivable can bolster your confidence. Although for some people this can backfire—imagining the worst-case scenario increases their anxiety—it’s worth a try to see whether it works for you.
Putting It into Practice:
Neutralizing Negativity
Use the techniques below anytime you’d like to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts. As you try each technique, pay attention to which ones work best for you and keep practicing them until they become instinctive. You may also discover some of your own that work just as well.
♦ Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.
♦ See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.
♦ Assign a label to your negative experience: self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it.
♦ Depersonalize the experience. Rather than saying “I’m feeling ashamed,” try “There is shame being felt.” Imagine that you’re a scientist observing a phenomenon: “How interesting, there are self-critical thoughts arising.”
♦ Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your country, your city, and finally the room you’re in. See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment.
♦ Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio to the side and let it chatter away.
♦ Consider the worst-case outcome for your situation. Realize that whatever it is, you’ll survive.
♦ Think of all the previous times when you felt just like this—that you wouldn’t make it through—and yet clearly you did.
We’re learning here to
neutralize
unhelpful thoughts. We want to avoid falling into the trap of arguing with them or trying to suppress them. This would only make matters worse. Consider this: if I ask you
not
to think of a white elephant—don’t picture a white elephant at all, please!—what’s the first thing your brain serves up? Right. Saying “No white elephants” leads to troops of white pachyderms marching through your mind.
Steven Hayes and his colleagues studied our tendency to dwell on the forbidden by asking participants in controlled research studies to spend just a few minutes
not
thinking of a yellow jeep. For many people, the forbidden thought arose immediately, and with increasing frequency. For others, even if they were able to suppress the thought for a short period of time, at some point they broke down and yellow-jeep thoughts rose dramatically. Participants reported thinking about yellow jeeps with some frequency for days and sometimes weeks afterward.
Because trying to suppress a self-critical thought only makes it more central to your thinking, it’s a far better strategy to simply aim to neutralize it.
You’ve taken the first two steps in handling internal negativity: destigmatizing discomfort and neutralizing negativity. The third and final step will help you not just to lessen internal negativity but to actually
replace
it with a different internal reality.
Step Three: Rewrite Reality
It’s eight A.M . on a Monday morning and you’re driving on the freeway, en route to an important meeting. You’ll be giving a thirty-minute presentation that could change the course of your career. You’re focused and calm. All of a sudden, a large black car cuts in front of you,
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