Read Online The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak by Etienne DeForest, Art Gelsinger - Free Book Online
Authors: Etienne DeForest, Art Gelsinger
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actually prefer their fucks stinking dead. What results are zombie pimps who prey upon living girls to keep their inventory fresh, purposely infecting them as a means of control. This practice hinders the procreation of our species and needs to be halted with extreme brutality.
If you ever do encounter a zombie pimp, do mankind (and fashion) a favor by wasting a slug or two on his worthless, elevator shoes-wearing ass. You may even finally get to try out some of that sweet zombie action that everyone’s been talking about – for free!
Chapter 6
Dealing with Zombies After the Outbreak
Most of your encounters with people after the outbreak will be with dead people. You will need to break through their flanks or flee from the zombie hordes. It is vital to understand the basic behavior and nature of zombies to exploit their weaknesses and use them to your advantage. Detailed below are some basics regarding the mannerisms and tendencies of the recently un-deceased.
Zombie Biology
As stated earlier, zombies do not live forever. After zombism animates the deceased, you are essentially still dealing with a dead body, just as prone to the elements as anything else.
It is common knowledge that the dead decay. Decay is the zombie's strongest enemy and your best ally, provided you have more patience than ammo. In essence they become walking compost piles, which explains why they steam like a fresh turds on chilly Autumn mornings.
The lifespan of a zombie is roughly one year, during which time they become increasingly useless through the loss of limbs and other parts necessary to capture and kill. After that, the body typically becomes too decrepit to walk. Like all organic matter, they eventually collapse to the ground and slowly become fertilizer.
Zombies are also not very strong. In fact, they begin “life” about twenty percent weaker than the host was when it was truly living. What dexterity remains slowly evaporates as the zombie withers away to nothing, causing them to move slower and slower as time goes on. For some reason they don't ever run either – they kind of speed-shamble when in closing distance of the living, but even then they are usually quite slow compared to beings who still have blood flowing through their veins.
Zombie blood quickly loses its ability to clot, draining out faster than that of a hemophilia patient. The bodily fluids that do remain take on the consistency of a thick paste, often referred to as “zombie grease.”
These putrid conditions combine to provide the greatest form of zombie detection: They stink worse than roadkill, a stench that overpowers all other odors. If you ever find yourself downwind from a group of flesh-eating monsters, they can easily be detected from a few hundred yards away.
If you happen to catch a whiff of this unmistakable stink, either get a move on in the opposite direction, or quickly dispatch scouts toward the odor while you prepare for combat.
They (being zombies) also do not sleep. Rather, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly, they tirelessly advance in pursuit of your brains. This can make them hard to outrun, despite their relatively slow rate of advance. Just like the story of the tortoise and the hare, their constant pace will eventually catch up to you while you rest. It could be that this fable was actually concocted with the express purpose of teaching children not to rest too long while fleeing from zombies in hot (or not-so-hot) pursuit.
Zombie Senses
One thing you can say about zombies – they have a truly COLOSSAL tolerance for pain. They do feel it to some degree, with whatever nerves they have left, but at a level so low that no human could possibly fathom. Either way, this translates into bad news for those of you trying to incapacitate or drive them off using the same pain-inflicting techniques you would use on a conventionally sensitive beast. Unlike your kid brother,
If you ever do encounter a zombie pimp, do mankind (and fashion) a favor by wasting a slug or two on his worthless, elevator shoes-wearing ass. You may even finally get to try out some of that sweet zombie action that everyone’s been talking about – for free!
Chapter 6
Dealing with Zombies After the Outbreak
Most of your encounters with people after the outbreak will be with dead people. You will need to break through their flanks or flee from the zombie hordes. It is vital to understand the basic behavior and nature of zombies to exploit their weaknesses and use them to your advantage. Detailed below are some basics regarding the mannerisms and tendencies of the recently un-deceased.
Zombie Biology
As stated earlier, zombies do not live forever. After zombism animates the deceased, you are essentially still dealing with a dead body, just as prone to the elements as anything else.
It is common knowledge that the dead decay. Decay is the zombie's strongest enemy and your best ally, provided you have more patience than ammo. In essence they become walking compost piles, which explains why they steam like a fresh turds on chilly Autumn mornings.
The lifespan of a zombie is roughly one year, during which time they become increasingly useless through the loss of limbs and other parts necessary to capture and kill. After that, the body typically becomes too decrepit to walk. Like all organic matter, they eventually collapse to the ground and slowly become fertilizer.
Zombies are also not very strong. In fact, they begin “life” about twenty percent weaker than the host was when it was truly living. What dexterity remains slowly evaporates as the zombie withers away to nothing, causing them to move slower and slower as time goes on. For some reason they don't ever run either – they kind of speed-shamble when in closing distance of the living, but even then they are usually quite slow compared to beings who still have blood flowing through their veins.
Zombie blood quickly loses its ability to clot, draining out faster than that of a hemophilia patient. The bodily fluids that do remain take on the consistency of a thick paste, often referred to as “zombie grease.”
These putrid conditions combine to provide the greatest form of zombie detection: They stink worse than roadkill, a stench that overpowers all other odors. If you ever find yourself downwind from a group of flesh-eating monsters, they can easily be detected from a few hundred yards away.
If you happen to catch a whiff of this unmistakable stink, either get a move on in the opposite direction, or quickly dispatch scouts toward the odor while you prepare for combat.
They (being zombies) also do not sleep. Rather, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly, they tirelessly advance in pursuit of your brains. This can make them hard to outrun, despite their relatively slow rate of advance. Just like the story of the tortoise and the hare, their constant pace will eventually catch up to you while you rest. It could be that this fable was actually concocted with the express purpose of teaching children not to rest too long while fleeing from zombies in hot (or not-so-hot) pursuit.
Zombie Senses
One thing you can say about zombies – they have a truly COLOSSAL tolerance for pain. They do feel it to some degree, with whatever nerves they have left, but at a level so low that no human could possibly fathom. Either way, this translates into bad news for those of you trying to incapacitate or drive them off using the same pain-inflicting techniques you would use on a conventionally sensitive beast. Unlike your kid brother,
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