Read Online The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile by Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson - Free Book Online
Authors: Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson
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makes him such a hot ticket, pass on the bar and get yourself and your iPhone directly to the powder room and google the name you’ve just been given.
Having found out who he is and what makes him a Big Fish, return to where Johnny is holding court and volunteer, “I thought your first [movie/play/novel/merger/ad campaign/class action suit/whatever] was beyond brilliant.” Remember to include enough details so they will actually believe you have been following their career for years.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #11
Highly accomplished people never get tired of hearing how great they are, no matter what they tell their shrinks.
Do not waste time eating hors d’oeuvres, unless that somebody you’ve just googled is cracking wise over the canapés. Do not be so dazzled and distracted by obvious somebodies that you miss out on befriending the seemingly less impressive guests who are, in fact, hidden nuggets of gold. Remember: You are first and foremost a prospector. Experienced social climbers make every party their party by deliberately introducing themselves to every person at the party, just in case there’s what we call a “Sleeper” in the room.
People who look like they work at the Foot Locker often do in fact work as a shoe salesperson. But sometimes they also look that way because they own a global chain of shoe stores, and they just might find you such good company and so seemingly genuine for taking the time to befriend a nebbish such as themselves, that they just might invite you to the Gangnam-style grand opening of their new flagship store in Seoul, South Korea.
THE THREE QUESTIONS YOU NEVER WANT TO ASK AT A COCKTAIL PARTY
Who are you?
Where do you live?
What do you do?
Why? Because asking any of the above will indelibly mark you as an obvious social climber. Of course you need to know the answers to these questions before you waste time on someone who can’t help you, but there are much more polite ways to be rude. We have already told you how to avoid asking people directly who they are by consulting geriatrics, children, and Google. A more gracious way of finding out whether a fellow guest lives, say, in a Fifth Avenue penthouse versus a rent-controlled studio in Staten Island is to ask, “Don’t you live in TriBeCa?” Nine times out of ten, regardless of whether they are residents of TriBeCa, the question will prompt them to tell you exactly where they do live.
As to question #3, “What do you do?,” which, after all, really translates into “How much do you make?,” is more tactfully handled by making a supposition: “Aren’t you in finance?” If you are right, they will proceed to tell you what firm they work for and just how big a big shot they are, and if they are not in finance, they will either be flattered or insulted by your false assumption and proceed to tell you exactly what they do do and why you should be impressed.
There is no need to waste time inquiring whether someone at the cocktail party attended Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, for the simple reason that if they had, they will find an excuse to casually drop that particular of their resume at least twice before you tell them to stop eating all of the cashews out of the mixed nut bowl.
Determining whether someone is a total waste of time takes time. In all of the interactions mentioned above, maintain eye contact; do not gaze over the shoulder of the person you are talking to to look for an even bigger fish. Yes, you must keep your eyes peeled for a better opportunity, but you don’t want to put off possible Sleepers by making them wonder if you’re looking over their shoulders because you are bored or possibly worried federal marshals are about to burst into the room and arrest you.
At a certain point during every urbane cocktail party, the observant climber will notice a group of middle-aged, well-dressed women standing around glancing at their watches impatiently and looking bored while their Big Fish husbands hold forth and
Having found out who he is and what makes him a Big Fish, return to where Johnny is holding court and volunteer, “I thought your first [movie/play/novel/merger/ad campaign/class action suit/whatever] was beyond brilliant.” Remember to include enough details so they will actually believe you have been following their career for years.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #11
Highly accomplished people never get tired of hearing how great they are, no matter what they tell their shrinks.
Do not waste time eating hors d’oeuvres, unless that somebody you’ve just googled is cracking wise over the canapés. Do not be so dazzled and distracted by obvious somebodies that you miss out on befriending the seemingly less impressive guests who are, in fact, hidden nuggets of gold. Remember: You are first and foremost a prospector. Experienced social climbers make every party their party by deliberately introducing themselves to every person at the party, just in case there’s what we call a “Sleeper” in the room.
People who look like they work at the Foot Locker often do in fact work as a shoe salesperson. But sometimes they also look that way because they own a global chain of shoe stores, and they just might find you such good company and so seemingly genuine for taking the time to befriend a nebbish such as themselves, that they just might invite you to the Gangnam-style grand opening of their new flagship store in Seoul, South Korea.
THE THREE QUESTIONS YOU NEVER WANT TO ASK AT A COCKTAIL PARTY
Who are you?
Where do you live?
What do you do?
Why? Because asking any of the above will indelibly mark you as an obvious social climber. Of course you need to know the answers to these questions before you waste time on someone who can’t help you, but there are much more polite ways to be rude. We have already told you how to avoid asking people directly who they are by consulting geriatrics, children, and Google. A more gracious way of finding out whether a fellow guest lives, say, in a Fifth Avenue penthouse versus a rent-controlled studio in Staten Island is to ask, “Don’t you live in TriBeCa?” Nine times out of ten, regardless of whether they are residents of TriBeCa, the question will prompt them to tell you exactly where they do live.
As to question #3, “What do you do?,” which, after all, really translates into “How much do you make?,” is more tactfully handled by making a supposition: “Aren’t you in finance?” If you are right, they will proceed to tell you what firm they work for and just how big a big shot they are, and if they are not in finance, they will either be flattered or insulted by your false assumption and proceed to tell you exactly what they do do and why you should be impressed.
There is no need to waste time inquiring whether someone at the cocktail party attended Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, for the simple reason that if they had, they will find an excuse to casually drop that particular of their resume at least twice before you tell them to stop eating all of the cashews out of the mixed nut bowl.
Determining whether someone is a total waste of time takes time. In all of the interactions mentioned above, maintain eye contact; do not gaze over the shoulder of the person you are talking to to look for an even bigger fish. Yes, you must keep your eyes peeled for a better opportunity, but you don’t want to put off possible Sleepers by making them wonder if you’re looking over their shoulders because you are bored or possibly worried federal marshals are about to burst into the room and arrest you.
At a certain point during every urbane cocktail party, the observant climber will notice a group of middle-aged, well-dressed women standing around glancing at their watches impatiently and looking bored while their Big Fish husbands hold forth and
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