them. They braced the mainsail and fired the cannons and fixed their faces into terrible grimaces, did all the usual roaring and generally made for a fairly horrific sight. 21 The pirates were slightly disappointed that the boat turned out to be a leper ship. The lepers were really very understanding, and the pirates came away with some nice bells and a hefty stack of old leper parts, which they thought they might be able to sell to hospitals later on. 22 The second boat they attacked was full of children out on a school trip. The pirates made a few doubloons by selling the children some opium, and they all had a great time together building Frankensteins out of the bits of leper they had justcollected. When it was time to go home several of the children asked if they could maybe stay and be pirates too, but the Pirate Captain was adamant that they should get back to their mothers, who would be worrying about where they were.
The pirate with a scarf picked up a telescope â making sure to check the eyepiece first, because on board the pirate boat the general consensus seemed to be that âthe old gags were the bestâ â and scanned the horizon.
âShip ahoy, Captain.â
âWell, third time lucky,â said the Pirate Captain, a little wearily. âItâs definitely not penniless refugees or a ghost ship or something like that?â
âCanât quite tell, Captain. Bit small. Well weathered, but somehow ⦠I donât know ⦠almost
noble
. And sheâs covered with ivory, by the looks of it.â
âThat sounds more like it. Ivory. White gold! Remember our adventure with elephants?â
âDoes it have a name?â said Jennifer, biting excitedly on a cutlass blade.
âThe
Pequod
.â
âFunny sort of name for a boat.â
âPirate Captain!â cried the albino pirate, and he came hurrying up, all out of breath and anxious-looking. âWe havenât got any cannonballs! We used them all up on the lepers and the school kids.â
âHonestly!â roared the Pirate Captain, âwhat sort of an outfit are we running here? How can we not have any cannonballs?â 23
âWell, we havenât got much of anything.â
The Pirate Captain had the scarf-wearing pirate bring up the inventory to conduct a quick recap:
20 limes
1 Prize Ham
2 dry-cured hams
3 barrels of tar
1 pirate with an accordion (deceased and subsequently electroplated)
âWeâve finished all the biscuits?â asked the Captain in dismay.
âIâm afraid so, Captain.â
âWe could fire a lime, sir,â suggested the pirate with a scarf. âTheyâre sort of the right shape.â
âAaaarrr. Fair enough,â said the Pirate Captain.âBut dip it in tar so they think itâs a cannonball. Otherwise we risk looking stupid.â
âCan we wear those dinosaur masks we picked up at the Natural History Museum on our last adventure?â asked the pirate who was always getting nosebleeds. âI really think they add to our ferociousness.â
âWhy not?â roared the Pirate Captain. âYou know Iâm always encouraging you lot to improvise. Express yourselves! Above all else remember that itâs meant to be fun â thatâs the secret of good pirating.â
So the pirates fired the
Lovely Emma
âs cannons a couple of times and drew up alongside the
Pequod
. The Pirate Captain grabbed hold of a hefty rope, swung across to the other boat â showing considerable athleticism, and not a little leg â and landed square in the middle of its deck. One of the
Pequod
âs men charged forward waving a dangerous-looking harpoon, but the Pirate Captain hacked at him with his cutlass and the man dropped to the deck, split right down the middle. Seeing this grisly spectacle, the rest of the
Pequod
âs crew backed off a bit,and the Pirate Captain was left face to face with a single brave
Anita Amirrezvani
J.B. Garner
Sydney Logan
Jeffrey Shapiro
Mary Alice Monroe
Charlotte Anne
K. P. Hilton
Scarlet Hyacinth
Philip K. Dick
SJD Peterson, S.A. McAuley