Read Online The Pirates! by Gideon Defoe - Free Book Online Page A

soul.
    â€˜I’m the Pirate Captain!’ said the Pirate Captain, twirling his cutlass like a baton in a move he had been up practising all the previous night. ‘And I’m here for the loot!’
    The man made no reply, but somehow his silence was fearsome in itself. A horrible sense of familiarity settled over the Pirate Captain. He squinted again at the fellow, and at his mop of straggly grey hair, and at the ugly scar that ran the length of one of his cheeks, and at the ivory leg poking out from the bottom of his trousers, and began to realise the terrible awkwardness of his situation.
    â€˜Oh dear,’ said the Pirate Captain, turning a bright red.

Eight

Damn You I Say, Dr. Chesington!

    In piratical circles this sort of thing was social death. For a moment the Pirate Captain thought about trying to pretend that he and the crew were some sort of pirate-a-gram, sent by one of Ahab’s whaler mates. But whalers were a notoriously humourless lot, and it didn’t seem likely they would have instigated such a thing.
    â€˜How incredibly embarrassing,’ stuttered the Captain, grinning a weak grin. ‘What are the odds? I mean, all the traffic cluttering up the shipping lanes nowadays, and I should run into you …’
    The Pirate Captain trailed off. Ahab still hadn’t said anything, but he seemed ready to explode. An angry-looking nerve had started to twitch in the corner of his eye. The Pirate Captain looked at his shoes. ‘Sorry about running through, erm …’
    â€˜Mister Starbuck,’ said Ahab icily.
    â€˜Yes. Sorry about running Mister Starbuck through. Do you think he’ll be okay?’
    â€˜You’ve cleaved him clean in two.’
    â€˜I sort of have, haven’t I? I bet I couldn’t manage that again if I tried a thousand times! I – uh – hope that cannonball didn’t do too much damage.’
    â€˜It wasn’t a cannonball. It was a lime.’
    â€˜Yes. Well. Sorry anyway.’
    â€˜I have citric acid in my eye.’
    â€˜Oh. That must sting.’
    â€˜It does.’
    The Pirate Captain awkwardly put away his cutlass, and waved for his pirate crew to stop their pirating. It was always nice to run into old acquaintances again, but this did pretty much scupper the whole operation. After all, there was a certain set of piratical ethics to be adhered to, and not stealing from a man who had offered you grog was just about at the top of the list. 24
    To try and make amends, the Pirate Captain invited Ahab and his crew to a meal on board the
Lovely Emma
. Usually the Pirate Captain wasn’t much for having people to dinner, because it just meant less food for the pirates, but it seemed the least he could do, and he was actually quite pleased he had a guest to show off the new boat to.
    â€˜I like your
Pequod
,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘Especially what you’ve done with all that whalebone about the place. I’m afraid that I’m not as creative as yourself, so all the fittings on board the
Lovely Emma
are just solid silver. I think the sails are made from chinchilla skin. And the ropes are all woven from the hair of only the best-looking women actresses.’
    â€˜She seems a sturdy vessel, Pirate Captain,’ agreed Ahab grudgingly.
    â€˜We even have a dance studio. I only found that yesterday. Does the
Pequod
have a dance studio on board?’
    â€˜No, Pirate Captain, it does not. I do not approve of dance.’
    â€˜That’s a pity. How about cup holders? Doesthe
Pequod
have any cup holders? Because the
Lovely Emma
has them all over the shop. No need to ever spill a drop of grog.’
    â€˜I do not approve of grog on board ship, Pirate Captain.’
    â€˜Aaarrrr,’ said the Pirate Captain, who was beginning to think that Ahab wasn’t turning out to be the best dinner guest in the world. ‘I hope you haven’t got anything against chops?’ he added, as a