Read Online The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen - Free Book Online
Authors: Frank Allen
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields, American actor
I have been friendly with Brendan Behan only in the hope that I would be free from the horror of his acquaintanceship.
British writer Patrick Kavanaugh on the Irish dramatist
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
Ring Lardner, American sports columnist
Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
Frank Leahy, American football coach
Talking to Francis gave me the sensation of settling slowly to the bottom of the ocean.
Scout Finch in Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird
I am going to memorise your name and throw my head away.
Oscar Levant, American musician and wit
Under my flabby exterior lies an enormous lack of character.
Oscar Levant, American musician and wit
You’re taking psychology? Are you like the example for the class or something?
Natalie Mark, American comedian
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish writer
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
American politician Eugene McCarthy on an anonymous rival. [Note: Ireland has no snakes].
Failure has gone to his head.
Wilson Mizner, American playwright
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
Ellen Glasgow, American writer
He had almost every quality you could wish to have, except that he had the average brain of an average English gentleman. He lacked that little extra cubic centimetre which produces genius.
British admiral and statesman Louis Mountbatten on Earl Alexander of Tunis
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
He was humble for a fortnight, but nobody noticed.
Katherine Whitehorn, British journalist
He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
Joseph Heller, American writer
His bounty and generosity always creates more horses asses’ than there are horses to attach them to.
Thomas Perry, American writer
From the silence that prevails I conclude that Lauderdale has been telling a joke.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan, British playwright
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
Tobias George Smollett, Scottish writer
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
Herbert Beerbohm Tree, British actor
British painter William Morris spent a lot of time in the various restaurants in the Eiffel Tower, so much so that one day one of the waiters said to him: ‘You’re obviously impressed with the tower, monsieur.’ To which Morris replied:
Impressed? The only reason I’m in here is that it’s the one place in Paris where I can avoid seeing this damned thing.
Get the facts straight first and then you can distort them as much as you please.
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain, American writer
He is so mean, he won’t let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
Eugene Field, American writer
He was trying to save both his faces.
John Gunther, American journalist
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.
Leonard Louis Levinson, American humorist
A healthy male adult bore consumes
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields, American actor
I have been friendly with Brendan Behan only in the hope that I would be free from the horror of his acquaintanceship.
British writer Patrick Kavanaugh on the Irish dramatist
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn’t ordered.
Ring Lardner, American sports columnist
Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
Frank Leahy, American football coach
Talking to Francis gave me the sensation of settling slowly to the bottom of the ocean.
Scout Finch in Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird
I am going to memorise your name and throw my head away.
Oscar Levant, American musician and wit
Under my flabby exterior lies an enormous lack of character.
Oscar Levant, American musician and wit
You’re taking psychology? Are you like the example for the class or something?
Natalie Mark, American comedian
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish writer
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
American politician Eugene McCarthy on an anonymous rival. [Note: Ireland has no snakes].
Failure has gone to his head.
Wilson Mizner, American playwright
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
Ellen Glasgow, American writer
He had almost every quality you could wish to have, except that he had the average brain of an average English gentleman. He lacked that little extra cubic centimetre which produces genius.
British admiral and statesman Louis Mountbatten on Earl Alexander of Tunis
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
He was humble for a fortnight, but nobody noticed.
Katherine Whitehorn, British journalist
He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
Joseph Heller, American writer
His bounty and generosity always creates more horses asses’ than there are horses to attach them to.
Thomas Perry, American writer
From the silence that prevails I conclude that Lauderdale has been telling a joke.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan, British playwright
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
Tobias George Smollett, Scottish writer
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
Herbert Beerbohm Tree, British actor
British painter William Morris spent a lot of time in the various restaurants in the Eiffel Tower, so much so that one day one of the waiters said to him: ‘You’re obviously impressed with the tower, monsieur.’ To which Morris replied:
Impressed? The only reason I’m in here is that it’s the one place in Paris where I can avoid seeing this damned thing.
Get the facts straight first and then you can distort them as much as you please.
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain, American writer
He is so mean, he won’t let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
Eugene Field, American writer
He was trying to save both his faces.
John Gunther, American journalist
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.
Leonard Louis Levinson, American humorist
A healthy male adult bore consumes
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