Read Online The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Frank Allen
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each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.
John Updike, American novelist
What were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman, American comedian
An extraordinary man! There’s only one art he doesn’t understand—the art of dialogue.
Voltaire’s comment after being subjected to Denis Diderot’s incessant monologue
It is said of Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, that she never put dots over her ‘i’s, to save ink.
Horace Walpole, British writer
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
Raymond Chandler, American writer
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible.
Douglas Woodruff, British editor
No shirt is too young to be stuffed.
Larry Zolf on fellow Canadian politician Joe Clark
An exchange between a pompous and self-absorbed young man and British politician John Wilkes:
Young man: I was born between twelve and one o’clock on 1st January. Isn’t that strange?
Wilkes: No not at all. You could only have been conceived on 1st April.
I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition.
If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?
You’re obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You’re like one of those ‘idiot savants,’ except without the ‘savant’ part.
Anonymous
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
British aristocrat and socialite Margot Asquith
He is like a mule, with neither pride of ancestry nor hope of progeny.
Robert G. Ingersoll
At his most detestable, he was no hypocrite, but rather his own worst enemy, prey to a moral blindness which was instinctive rather than reasoned. How he would have hated himself had he been able to view some of his acts objectively...
American writer Kenneth W. Porter on capitalist John Jacob Astor
He hasn’t a single redeeming vice.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
He had all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill, British prime minister
He has not one single redeeming defect.
Benjamin Disraeli on fellow British prime minister William Gladstone
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
Alexander Woollcott, American critic
He is as good as his word—and his word is no good.
Seamus MacManus, Irish humorist
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
Moliere, French playwright
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
From the television sitcom Murphy Brown
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
Alexander Pope on a fellow British writer
He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
Wilson Mizner, American playwright
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety pin.
Dorothy L. Sayers, British writer
It’s a pity that Marie Stope’s mother had not thought of birth control.
Muriel Spark, Scottish writer
An exchange between George Bernard Shaw and a fellow guest at a dinner party. He asked the lady if she would go to bed with a man for five hundred pounds.
Guest: That would depend on how good-looking he was.
Shaw: Would you do it for ten bob then?
Guest: What do you take me for?
Shaw: We have already settled that. All we are now doing is agreeing on the price.
On another occasion a society hostess invited Shaw to a dinner stating that she would be ‘at home’ on a certain date.
‘G.B.S also,’ he replied.
Shaw could n’t even be nice to people who paid him a compliment. A particularly beautiful woman once suggested that they have a child together.
‘Imagine a child with my body and your brain!’ she said.
‘Yes, but what if it had my body and your brain?’ he countered.
You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.
Mark Twain, American writer
The food was so
John Updike, American novelist
What were you when you were alive?
Henny Youngman, American comedian
An extraordinary man! There’s only one art he doesn’t understand—the art of dialogue.
Voltaire’s comment after being subjected to Denis Diderot’s incessant monologue
It is said of Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, that she never put dots over her ‘i’s, to save ink.
Horace Walpole, British writer
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
Raymond Chandler, American writer
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible.
Douglas Woodruff, British editor
No shirt is too young to be stuffed.
Larry Zolf on fellow Canadian politician Joe Clark
An exchange between a pompous and self-absorbed young man and British politician John Wilkes:
Young man: I was born between twelve and one o’clock on 1st January. Isn’t that strange?
Wilkes: No not at all. You could only have been conceived on 1st April.
I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition.
If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?
You’re obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You’re like one of those ‘idiot savants,’ except without the ‘savant’ part.
Anonymous
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
British aristocrat and socialite Margot Asquith
He is like a mule, with neither pride of ancestry nor hope of progeny.
Robert G. Ingersoll
At his most detestable, he was no hypocrite, but rather his own worst enemy, prey to a moral blindness which was instinctive rather than reasoned. How he would have hated himself had he been able to view some of his acts objectively...
American writer Kenneth W. Porter on capitalist John Jacob Astor
He hasn’t a single redeeming vice.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
He had all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill, British prime minister
He has not one single redeeming defect.
Benjamin Disraeli on fellow British prime minister William Gladstone
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
Alexander Woollcott, American critic
He is as good as his word—and his word is no good.
Seamus MacManus, Irish humorist
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
Moliere, French playwright
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
From the television sitcom Murphy Brown
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
Alexander Pope on a fellow British writer
He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
Wilson Mizner, American playwright
He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety pin.
Dorothy L. Sayers, British writer
It’s a pity that Marie Stope’s mother had not thought of birth control.
Muriel Spark, Scottish writer
An exchange between George Bernard Shaw and a fellow guest at a dinner party. He asked the lady if she would go to bed with a man for five hundred pounds.
Guest: That would depend on how good-looking he was.
Shaw: Would you do it for ten bob then?
Guest: What do you take me for?
Shaw: We have already settled that. All we are now doing is agreeing on the price.
On another occasion a society hostess invited Shaw to a dinner stating that she would be ‘at home’ on a certain date.
‘G.B.S also,’ he replied.
Shaw could n’t even be nice to people who paid him a compliment. A particularly beautiful woman once suggested that they have a child together.
‘Imagine a child with my body and your brain!’ she said.
‘Yes, but what if it had my body and your brain?’ he countered.
You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.
Mark Twain, American writer
The food was so
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