Read Online The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Frank Allen
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tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and not be reminded of anything.
Red Foxx, American comedian
He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally buried.
Geoffrey Madan
I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.
American oil baron and billionaire John D. Rockefeller, who did in fact seem to spend every waking moment making money.
It would have been twice as bad if they had sent the dog.
British prime minister Harold MacMillan commenting on the huge crowds in London gathered to honour the first man in space Yuri Gagarin.
Visitors: Good morning, we are Jehovah’s witnesses.
George Bernard Shaw: Good morning. I’m Jehovah. How are we doing?
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
If only he’d wash his neck, I’d wring it.
British academic John Sparrow on a colleague
Poor old Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife. I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
Exchange between Winston Churchill, who fell asleep on a train with his flies undone, and a female passenger who enters his compartment.
Passenger: Sir! Your penis is sticking out!
Churchill: Madam, you flatter yourself. It is merely hanging out.
An exchange between British actress Beatrice Lillie and an anonymous woman at a dinner table. The woman asked Lillie if the pearls on her necklace were real. When Lillie replied ‘yes’, the woman reached across the table, grabbed the pearls and tried to run them across her teeth.
Woman: The pearls are not real! They’re cultured.
Lillie: How would you know, with false teeth?
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
Kate Cruise O’Brien, Irish writer
The Wisdom of
Bumpers
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now. Allow me to introduce my selves.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Above all else, sky.
Adjure obfuscation.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always Avoid Alliteration.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
Come to the dark side—we have cookies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Does anal-retentive have a hyphen?
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Driver carries no cash. He’s married.
Dyslexics Untie!
EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Excess is never too much in moderation.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
First things first; but not necessarily in that order.
Fishermen don’t die; they just smell that way.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
I didn’t climb
Red Foxx, American comedian
He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally buried.
Geoffrey Madan
I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.
American oil baron and billionaire John D. Rockefeller, who did in fact seem to spend every waking moment making money.
It would have been twice as bad if they had sent the dog.
British prime minister Harold MacMillan commenting on the huge crowds in London gathered to honour the first man in space Yuri Gagarin.
Visitors: Good morning, we are Jehovah’s witnesses.
George Bernard Shaw: Good morning. I’m Jehovah. How are we doing?
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian
If only he’d wash his neck, I’d wring it.
British academic John Sparrow on a colleague
Poor old Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife. I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
Exchange between Winston Churchill, who fell asleep on a train with his flies undone, and a female passenger who enters his compartment.
Passenger: Sir! Your penis is sticking out!
Churchill: Madam, you flatter yourself. It is merely hanging out.
An exchange between British actress Beatrice Lillie and an anonymous woman at a dinner table. The woman asked Lillie if the pearls on her necklace were real. When Lillie replied ‘yes’, the woman reached across the table, grabbed the pearls and tried to run them across her teeth.
Woman: The pearls are not real! They’re cultured.
Lillie: How would you know, with false teeth?
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
Kate Cruise O’Brien, Irish writer
The Wisdom of
Bumpers
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now. Allow me to introduce my selves.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Above all else, sky.
Adjure obfuscation.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always Avoid Alliteration.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
Come to the dark side—we have cookies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Does anal-retentive have a hyphen?
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Driver carries no cash. He’s married.
Dyslexics Untie!
EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Excess is never too much in moderation.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
First things first; but not necessarily in that order.
Fishermen don’t die; they just smell that way.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
I didn’t climb
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