improvements: cutting off the top of Cindyâs head from her fourth-grade school picture; removing Paulâs legs from a newspaper photo of him running with a football; cutting me altogether from quite a few family shots.
Talk about your perfect setup for a big-boom disasterâMomâs albums and Debiâs âart.â Mom always makes a big deal of Debiâs collages because she knows that to Debi they are important, but Debi had no clue about the difference in value between Momâs precious albums and Debiâs chopped-up-magazine art. I donât think there was anything especially logical about Debiâs choices of who to cut, and Iâm sure that nothing she did was meant to be hurtful. Everyone thinks Iâm a veg. But Iâm smart. I know right from wrong, whether anybody knows this about me or not. They think that I canât be bad or mean or hurtful. Thatâs not really true. I do get irritated like when Debi makes me crazy watching The Sound of the Music over and over again at supersonic sound. And you already know about my sarcasm. In this situation with Mom and Debi, I feel Iâm connecting in other ways. I can feel other peopleâs heartbreak and pain and grief. I feel sorry for Debi that sheâs in trouble for something she didnât know was wrong, and I feel sad for my mom for whatâs sheâs lost.
After Mom comes back upstairs from scolding Debi, I hear her talking to Paul and Cindy in the family room.
Mom says, âA university in central Missouri is collecting all your fatherâs papers.â
âPapers?â Paul asks.
Mom explains. âAnything to do with his career as a poet and writer.â
Cindy asks, âThe family albums were for them?â
âNot now,â Mom explains, âand for as long as either of you want to keep any family things, of course theyâre yours. But Shawn isnât ever going to have a family, be a father, or have children. And since your dadâs career is so closely attached to Shawnâs life, it felt good to me, comforting to know that Shawn would live on, that his album would be of interest to people years and years from now, after weâre all gone. But now itâs ruinedâyour brotherâs album, irreplaceable photographs of Shawn as a baby ⦠all theââ She starts crying again.
Tears are weird things for me; sometimes they show up without my even feeling sad, other times the most heartbreaking news in the worldâstuff that makes me wish I could scream and weep and beat up the whole universeâleaves me dry-eyed. But hearing Mom talk about her album she made for me, how making it somehow made my condition and my life easier for her to handle and helped her feel betterâwell, to be honest, that made me feel worse. I have a sick, empty, gnarly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could cry right now.
An hour or so later, after Mom has calmed down and Cindy and Paul have gone up to their rooms, I can see Mom in the kitchen and overhear her on the phone, telling my dad what has happened. I can tell that Dad is reassuring her. She nods sometimes, a funny habit she has when sheâs talking on the phone, as if the person on the other end of the line can see her.
âI know,â Mom says finally. âThanks for talking me down.â She pauses, laughs a little, and says, âNo, really, I feel better. Iâm not even sure how many photos are wreckedâI didnât have the heart to look all through.â
She is quiet again. âI know,â she says, âyou too.... Thanks and good night.â Mom hangs up the phone.
Rusty lies at her feet and stares up at her. She looks down at him. âYouâre not in any trouble, Mr. Rustoleum,â she says. âCatastrophe canceled. Everythingâs going to be okay now. Iâm sure Debi has learned her lesson.â
19
T he next morning, Debiâs bus picks her up for
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