Read Online I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max - Free Book Online Page B

promises fo r what would happen after the date. A rookie mistake that will haun t me my entire life .
    FatGirlwas there when I got there, and looked pretty much exactly lik e She did in the picture-fat. We started talking over beers, and she wa s exactly like her emails: a nice, sweet girl without a whole lot going fo r her. It quickly became obvious that she was very much into me, an d after about three beers she really started loosening up. The turnin g point in the conversation was this :
    FatGirl [with a seductive, portly, dimpled look] "Tucker, are you a player? " Tucker "Uh, no ... I mean, not in the way you are thinking. A player i s Someone who is only out to have sex for the sake of sex, and will do o r
    say anything to hook up. Yeah, I mean, I like sex, but I won't do anythin g to hook up with a girl. Well ... normally, at least. "
    FatGirl [Still with the seductive, portly, dimpled look] "I think you're a player Tucker Max ... but I'm not going to sleep with you. " Well, this one is locked up. The night is obviously going to end in sex i f I want it, but I still had to decide: Do I bail on this date, avoid th e ignominy of having sex with Miss Piggy, and pray that another gir l emails me for a date, or do I just suck it up, take the opportunity i n front of me and fulfill the promise to my friends? I went back and fort h on this in my mind .
    GoodTucker "She has a really cute face. " BadTucker "She is fat. " GoodTucker "Well, she isn't disgustingly obese. She's only like 30 .. . 40 ... -ish ... pounds overweight. " Bad Tucker "What does that mean? Because she doesn't need a crane to leave her house, it's somehow OK? She's FAT. " Good Tucker "But I promised my friends, and this might be my onl y chance to hook up through the site. " BadTucker "Right ... but SHE'S STILL FAT. "
    I end the debate by moving my army across the Rubicon: "Bartender , get me a shot. " And then I burned the bridges behind me: "Make it cheap tequila. Wit h a beer back. "
    Yes, I know that fucking fat girls is against the rules for any sel f respecting guy, but the rules have a loophole. That loophole is calle d alcohol. God bless it. With each tequila shot and beer combo, she los t weight, and her face, which was previously only cute, became sorta hot . The night started improving .
    Then it went to shit. I chose the James Joyce because I knew none o f my friends would be there that night, as on Wednesdays they alway s went to a bar in Chapel Hill. But there are more people that drink i n Duke Law School besides my friends. Namely, two loud-mouthe d gossiping bitches in my class, Carry and Amy, who were at the Joyc e that night .
    I tired to hide when I saw them walk in, but it was no use, their scanda l radar was too sensitive. They immediately spot me: Carry "Hey Tucker, I was just about to- "
    She stops mid-sentence when she sees the land beast I am with. I wish I had a picture of the look on her face. Complete and utte r confusion, with a hint of disgust and twinge of contempt. I almos t laughed ... then I remembered that I was the one with the fat girl .
    Tucker "Hey, we were just about leave. " FatGirl is standing behind me waiting to be introduced, but that is no t happening. Carry "Wha- who- uhhh ... Tucker ... "
    I am out of there before she can finish her thought. There is nothing a t the end of that sentence that I want to hear. FatGirl and I end up back a t my place (I knew my roommates, Hate and Credit, would still be ou t drinking). We have sex, and both pass out afterwards, even though i t was only about 11. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the fumes, or th e PTSD that put me out. Probably some happy combination of all three . The gods of alcohol often entertain themselves at my expense, bu t sometimes they throw me a bone .
    Waking me out of an alcoholic stupor normally requires nothing short o f ice water and a fog horn, but somehow I awoke in time to hear Credi t and Hate slowly open the front door to our apartment and