Read Online I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max - Free Book Online Page A

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    SlingBlade "This is opposed to the crazies that you pick up in bars? " PWJ "Dude, you can't put this thing up and never go on a date or hoo k Up from it. You have to. At least one girl. "
    Tucker "Fine. Might as well. What's the worst that could happen?? " Hale "OH YEAH! That line of thought always serves you well! "
    But I didn't just promise my friends that I'd go out on a date with a gir l I me through the site. I ended up promising that I'd do my very best t o hookup with her .
    So of course as soon as I make this promise, I get no application s from any girls near the Durham, NC area. I know this sounds ridiculou s now, as I get dozens of propositions a day from girls, but yo u have to remember that back when the site started, it was almost totall y unknown outside my circle of friends. Maybe 30 people a day saw it, i f that. There were only like three of my stories up, and the notion tha t this site would become anything beyond a silly joke never eve n crossed my mind. If you had told me then that within two years m y webpage would become my launching pad to fame, I would hav e laughed at you and told you stop sucking the glass dick .
    One week went by, nothing. Two weeks, nothing. I was starting to ge t a little desperate, thinking about all the shit I was going to have to ea t from my friends because I couldn't even get a date off my own Dat e Application Page, when finally a girl emailed me. She had just move d to Raleigh for a job, knew no one, and thought I was funny. W e emailed a little and she seemed cool and normal enough, but I had t o make a couple requests before she sent me a picture of her. Once I got the pic, it was clear why it took her three emails to work up th e courage to send one .
    Ladies and gentlemen: She's a fatty .
    Normally, this would have been an easy decision. I'd just say "Get th e Fuck away from me and go back to your trough," and everything woul d Be fine, but this time it was different. I had PROMISED my friends tha t I would hook up with a girl from my webpage, and FatGirl was my onl y option .
    I put her off for a few weeks with cutesy email banter, while I prayed fo r A girl without a giant oversized pig heart to email me .
    One week ... two weeks ... nothing. Finally, I consulted my friend s on what I should do. I showed them the picture : Hate "WOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEE! YOU GOT YOURSELF A CHUNKER ! FORGET THE DATE, LASSO HER AND TAKE HER TO TH E STOCKYARDS! " PWJ "Yeah, you did promise. She might be your only chance. " Sling Blade "Just make sure you take her to a bar that doesn't serv e
    food. You can't afford that kind of date. " EI Bingeroso "Wow. Yeah man, that sucks. Wow ... but you did promise. " Hate "WOOOOOO-HOOOO! MAX YOU ARE MAKING US PROUD ! GOD BLESS THAT WEBSITE! "
    After some deliberation, I decided to meet FatGirl out. It still make s me laugh to this day, but I legitimately thought that this would be m y only shot at hooking up with a girl through my website, and I didn' t want to blow it ... even if it meant I had to go pork diving. I justified i t as such: Tucker "Well ... maybe she's lost weight. She said it wasn't a good picture. " [Everyone in unison ] "HAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. "
    Sling Blade "Lost weight? What, you think she caught that secre t rubella epidemic sweeping the Carolinas? When was the last time a girl was better looking than her INTERNET DATING PICTURE? " Tucker "Well, she does have a cute face. You can't fake that. " EI Bingeroso "This is not going to end wel!. " Hate "Max, just when I think you've tapped out, you find a whole ne w way to fuck up! " Tucker "Fuck you. I hope all of your children have birth defects. "
    I agreed to meet Fat Girl at a bar in Durham, The James Joyce. I flatly refused to tell any of my friends where we were meeting, an d made them promise not to come looking for me, in case she turne d out to be morbidly obese, as opposed to just normal fat, like in he r picture. Like an IDIOT, I didn't think about extracting