Read Online I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max - Free Book Online
Authors: Tucker Max
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walked by our table . Sling Blade "I wish I had crutches like him, because then I could bea t myself to death with them, which would be preferable to my night thu s far. "
Since the bathrooms are the small one-person-at-a-time type, th e crippled guy had to put his crutches outside the door while he pees . Seeing this opportunity, I decided to lighten the mood at his expense. I run back there and throw his crutches in the empty girls restroom. A t the table, I cannot control my giggling, because I know what is comin g next :
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY CRUTCHES? " Girl 2 "Hehehehhe-you two are both so funny! " Sling Blade [in the SlingBlade voice] "How would a man go'bou t contactin' da' po-lice, were he so inclinded, hrrrmmm. "
Tucker "Oh Christ ... not again. "
Girl 1 and I decide to take her car and go back to her place (you know , for sex-something normal people do), leaving Girl 2 and SlingBlad e to the Fates. Though I did not see what happened next, SlingBlad e recounted it to me the next day :
He kept drinking until Girl 2 left. Without him. Apparently she got fe d up with him alternately passing out and calling her a whore in th e SlingBladevoice. After her departure he wandered around the bar, finall y deciding that he needed to go to the bathroom . As he walks to the bathroom, he starts veering to the right, and in a n attempt to correct this he flings himself to the left. Instead of correctin g himself he ends up slamming head first into the wall, which lays hi m out straight on his back. This is directly in front of a bunch of people, al l of whom naturally laugh at him .
He's so hammered that he just lays there for a minute, trying t o remember how to stand up. Eventually he rolls himself over, but can' t getup on his feet. Instead he starts to crawl, arm over arm, military style , to a nearby chair. Once there, he pulls himself up on the seat , looks over to the crowd who was watching and laughing, points t o himself and yells: "Still single ladies! "
Where is he now?
SlingBlade is a different person now than he was when all these stories took place (most of them occur between 1999-2002). Even though I begged him and begged him to start a site similar to mine where he could display his prodigious comedic talents, he repeatedly declined, instead pursuing a very different field. It ended up working out well for him, and he is a much happier person now, mainly because of this new job. He has asked me not to write anything about his current occupation, and of course I'll respect his wishes.
And yes, though he has sold all his action figures on eBay (for a profit, as he likes to note) and no longer sleeps on Batman sheets, SlingBlade is still very single.
TUCKER FUCKS A FAT GIRL; HILARITY ENSUES
Occurred-March 2000 Written-August 2004
We've all done it .
We've all accidentally fucked a fat girl .
You start the night with the best intentions, but somehow you end up i n one of those blacked-out, where-the-fuck-are-my-pants drunken states , and wake up with some girl who is packing more ass than a Sir Mix-aLo t video. Getting smashed and gain' hoggin' is almost a rite of passag e for the American male. There's no shame in that .
This being said, very few of us have fucked a fat girl on purpose. I wil l be honest; I may be a member of that club, but it's up for debate. Le t me explain :
It all started in February of 2000, the first month my website was up. I was 23 years old and in my second year of law school. TuckerMax.co m originally started as a Date Application Page that I put up to settle a bet. My friends thought the page was hilarious, but wanted to se e some results :
PWJ "Tucker, the site is awesome, but you need to actually meet a gir l through it. " Tucker "I don't know. " Hate "Max! How could you put that site up and not hook up with a t least one girl through it? That's weak. " Tucker "I don't know; there have been some crazies emailing me. " Hate "When has that stopped you in the past?
Since the bathrooms are the small one-person-at-a-time type, th e crippled guy had to put his crutches outside the door while he pees . Seeing this opportunity, I decided to lighten the mood at his expense. I run back there and throw his crutches in the empty girls restroom. A t the table, I cannot control my giggling, because I know what is comin g next :
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY CRUTCHES? " Girl 2 "Hehehehhe-you two are both so funny! " Sling Blade [in the SlingBlade voice] "How would a man go'bou t contactin' da' po-lice, were he so inclinded, hrrrmmm. "
Tucker "Oh Christ ... not again. "
Girl 1 and I decide to take her car and go back to her place (you know , for sex-something normal people do), leaving Girl 2 and SlingBlad e to the Fates. Though I did not see what happened next, SlingBlad e recounted it to me the next day :
He kept drinking until Girl 2 left. Without him. Apparently she got fe d up with him alternately passing out and calling her a whore in th e SlingBladevoice. After her departure he wandered around the bar, finall y deciding that he needed to go to the bathroom . As he walks to the bathroom, he starts veering to the right, and in a n attempt to correct this he flings himself to the left. Instead of correctin g himself he ends up slamming head first into the wall, which lays hi m out straight on his back. This is directly in front of a bunch of people, al l of whom naturally laugh at him .
He's so hammered that he just lays there for a minute, trying t o remember how to stand up. Eventually he rolls himself over, but can' t getup on his feet. Instead he starts to crawl, arm over arm, military style , to a nearby chair. Once there, he pulls himself up on the seat , looks over to the crowd who was watching and laughing, points t o himself and yells: "Still single ladies! "
Where is he now?
SlingBlade is a different person now than he was when all these stories took place (most of them occur between 1999-2002). Even though I begged him and begged him to start a site similar to mine where he could display his prodigious comedic talents, he repeatedly declined, instead pursuing a very different field. It ended up working out well for him, and he is a much happier person now, mainly because of this new job. He has asked me not to write anything about his current occupation, and of course I'll respect his wishes.
And yes, though he has sold all his action figures on eBay (for a profit, as he likes to note) and no longer sleeps on Batman sheets, SlingBlade is still very single.
TUCKER FUCKS A FAT GIRL; HILARITY ENSUES
Occurred-March 2000 Written-August 2004
We've all done it .
We've all accidentally fucked a fat girl .
You start the night with the best intentions, but somehow you end up i n one of those blacked-out, where-the-fuck-are-my-pants drunken states , and wake up with some girl who is packing more ass than a Sir Mix-aLo t video. Getting smashed and gain' hoggin' is almost a rite of passag e for the American male. There's no shame in that .
This being said, very few of us have fucked a fat girl on purpose. I wil l be honest; I may be a member of that club, but it's up for debate. Le t me explain :
It all started in February of 2000, the first month my website was up. I was 23 years old and in my second year of law school. TuckerMax.co m originally started as a Date Application Page that I put up to settle a bet. My friends thought the page was hilarious, but wanted to se e some results :
PWJ "Tucker, the site is awesome, but you need to actually meet a gir l through it. " Tucker "I don't know. " Hate "Max! How could you put that site up and not hook up with a t least one girl through it? That's weak. " Tucker "I don't know; there have been some crazies emailing me. " Hate "When has that stopped you in the past?
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