Read Online I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that by The Betches - Free Book Online
Authors: The Betches
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Kurt Vonnegut, and walking my bulldog Cooper. I live in Murray Hillin an apartment with my 2 friends from college and I love to work out on the weekends. What’s your schedule like this week? Read: This guy is prob too nice for you. The over-share is a sign of someone who doesn’t really have a strong sense of humor or much experience with women.
Hey you have nice tits. What’s your number? Read: BYE.
I think we have a lot in common. We should get together for drinks if you’re free this week. Read: This is a bold, no-bullshit ask out. He seems super confident and doesn’t really like online small talk. This guy could be a douche, but he could also just want to get to know you in person. This is your strongest option. Accept the date and hope it doesn’t suck.
The great thing about a guy’s opener is that it says a lot about him with a little information. As a general rule, look for guys who seem like they’re no-bullshit and who want to take the conversation off-line fairly quickly.
Inspirational Historical Betch: Zelda Fitzgerald
It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
Zelda Fitzgerald was born into a wealthy Southern family and casually met F. Scott at a country-club dance. She was like, not that into him because he was mad poor and therefore friendzoned him faster than you can say “Prohibition.” The two wrote letters to each other and Zelda basically told Fitz that he couldgo shave his back now and she was dating other bros. Desperate to impress this hottie, Fitz started writing books instead of articles and went on to write The Great Gatsby. Ever heard of it?
Zelda shows us that if you act like you DGAF and don’t seem impressed with a guy, they will go out of their way to impress you and maybe even write the next great American novel in an effort to pay for all your shit.
Exchanging messages:
Too many questions. Read: This guy has asked you every question he can think of. Except the one you want to hear, which is do you want to get a drink this week? This type of messager is super frustrating, and at some point you have to stop answering. He’ll get the hint and write again asking you out. If he doesn’t get the message and instead sends a follow-up to his previous question you should just block him. There is literally nothing more annoying than a dude who tries to make small talk for upwards of three days before asking you out. No, I don’t give a shit how your week is going. I don’t even know you. I don’t even ask my friends this and I like, actually sort of care about their lives.
He asks for your number too soon. Read: This is always so uncomfortable. You want to say no but you know you’ll probably give it to him later. If you feel okay giving yournumber then go for it, but if you don’t then say something like: “Ah, I’m not huge on giving out my number before talking to someone for a bit. Hope that’s okayyyy.” You seem normal and apprehensive, which are two good qualities for a person to have. If he brushes you off and stops responding, he’s def a freak who would have sent you dick pics anyway.
He takes twenty years to respond. Read: Fuck this guy. Everyone has a life, but if he’s not interested enough to respond to you within one to two days then why message you to begin with. You also have a life, but a guy who waits a week to respond isn’t worth your time.
He gets to know you a little (one to two days of messages) and then asks you out. Read: This is good. Go with this.
A Note on Messaging First: This is entirely situational, and by situational we mean, the only situation in which you should do this is if there’s a killer in your house and the guy coincidentally lives nearby so you need him to like, help. The other situation is that if he has texted you first three times in a row and you want to show him that you’re interested and that you’re not a completely horrible person.
Creating the Perfect Profile
On whichever app or site you choose,
Hey you have nice tits. What’s your number? Read: BYE.
I think we have a lot in common. We should get together for drinks if you’re free this week. Read: This is a bold, no-bullshit ask out. He seems super confident and doesn’t really like online small talk. This guy could be a douche, but he could also just want to get to know you in person. This is your strongest option. Accept the date and hope it doesn’t suck.
The great thing about a guy’s opener is that it says a lot about him with a little information. As a general rule, look for guys who seem like they’re no-bullshit and who want to take the conversation off-line fairly quickly.
Inspirational Historical Betch: Zelda Fitzgerald
It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
Zelda Fitzgerald was born into a wealthy Southern family and casually met F. Scott at a country-club dance. She was like, not that into him because he was mad poor and therefore friendzoned him faster than you can say “Prohibition.” The two wrote letters to each other and Zelda basically told Fitz that he couldgo shave his back now and she was dating other bros. Desperate to impress this hottie, Fitz started writing books instead of articles and went on to write The Great Gatsby. Ever heard of it?
Zelda shows us that if you act like you DGAF and don’t seem impressed with a guy, they will go out of their way to impress you and maybe even write the next great American novel in an effort to pay for all your shit.
Exchanging messages:
Too many questions. Read: This guy has asked you every question he can think of. Except the one you want to hear, which is do you want to get a drink this week? This type of messager is super frustrating, and at some point you have to stop answering. He’ll get the hint and write again asking you out. If he doesn’t get the message and instead sends a follow-up to his previous question you should just block him. There is literally nothing more annoying than a dude who tries to make small talk for upwards of three days before asking you out. No, I don’t give a shit how your week is going. I don’t even know you. I don’t even ask my friends this and I like, actually sort of care about their lives.
He asks for your number too soon. Read: This is always so uncomfortable. You want to say no but you know you’ll probably give it to him later. If you feel okay giving yournumber then go for it, but if you don’t then say something like: “Ah, I’m not huge on giving out my number before talking to someone for a bit. Hope that’s okayyyy.” You seem normal and apprehensive, which are two good qualities for a person to have. If he brushes you off and stops responding, he’s def a freak who would have sent you dick pics anyway.
He takes twenty years to respond. Read: Fuck this guy. Everyone has a life, but if he’s not interested enough to respond to you within one to two days then why message you to begin with. You also have a life, but a guy who waits a week to respond isn’t worth your time.
He gets to know you a little (one to two days of messages) and then asks you out. Read: This is good. Go with this.
A Note on Messaging First: This is entirely situational, and by situational we mean, the only situation in which you should do this is if there’s a killer in your house and the guy coincidentally lives nearby so you need him to like, help. The other situation is that if he has texted you first three times in a row and you want to show him that you’re interested and that you’re not a completely horrible person.
Creating the Perfect Profile
On whichever app or site you choose,
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