Read Online I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that by The Betches - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: The Betches
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it’s crucial that you portray yourself in the best yet still honest light.
Choosing pictures: The pictures you post are the most important because that’s really all people have to go on when dating online. Always choose three to four photos. Two is too little, five is too many. Your main should be you alone looking super hot or like, really pretty. The main pic is to catch a guy’s attention, look at the camera, smile, and don’t include four of your hot friends in this photo. If you think a pic of you looking down reading a book is going to catch his attention then you should probably switch to LibrariansSeekingSoulmates.com. This probably doesn’t exist, but if it did the small talk would be super pretentious.
The next should be a full body shot of you either cut out from a picture with your friends or a “funny” candid. Don’t post pictures of you posing alone. It’s just weird. It may have been funny in context, but it’s definitely super loser-y out of it. And after that you should definitely include pictures of you looking like you do other things besides stalk Instagram and get blackout drunk. We suggest skiing, painting, or riding a horse.
A very important side note: Your pictures should be recent and at normal angles in which you do not look four sizes smaller than you are. No guy will ever say to his friends, “Yeah she totally catfished me, like forty pounds heavier than in herpics, but her personality blew me away.” This only happens in romantic comedies and your dreams. You don’t want to date a guy who doesn’t like what you look like anyway, so why hide? If you’re overweight, guys who are into that will message you. If you don’t like those types of guys, go on a fucking diet. It’s not science. Rule of thumb: You always want to be hotter in person than you appear in your pictures.
Writing a profile: Obviously, the profile only applies to sites that require you to write one. Either way, don’t stress about it because a guy who thinks you look super hot in your pics will never say ehhh but she’s a PA, I only really date doctors . With profiles, less is much, much more. Don’t write an essay about how you felt after your parents’ divorce in ’02. Write the facts and one sort of funny joke. Let them know you’re lighthearted and don’t take this shit too seriously. You’re a betch, you have other things to do besides sit around and apply for a boyfriend. Write a few lines about yourself and run it by a friend. If she says you sound like a delusional maniac, rewrite. Then leave it alone. See? It’s simple.
“Guys don’t care what you do. A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is just slightly hotter and like, has a job interview at H&M in the morning. And 10 times out of 10, you know how that’s going to go.”
—Amy Schumer
So yeah, the good news is that whatever you do for a living probably isn’t going to affect your datability, unless you’re a hooker or something. And even then . . .
Do Guys Care About Your Job? by Head Pro
No! Well, not really. Linking suitability as a mate to one’s employment is still a distinctly masculine idea, like pretending that fantasy football is actually fun or never washing our sheets. Despite women embarking on long and fruitful careers for the better part of a century at this point, your career doesn’t matter much to us in terms of how fuckable you are, the way ours do for you. You’ll be very disappointed if you convince yourself your career in marketing is what makes you datable, only to discover he’s been banging a tollbooth attendant behind your back.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a job, and one you care about—ambition is a very sexy quality, and bodes well for other aspects of a potentially successful relationship. Just don’t make the mistake guys do by going into a field thinking it will score you tons of
Choosing pictures: The pictures you post are the most important because that’s really all people have to go on when dating online. Always choose three to four photos. Two is too little, five is too many. Your main should be you alone looking super hot or like, really pretty. The main pic is to catch a guy’s attention, look at the camera, smile, and don’t include four of your hot friends in this photo. If you think a pic of you looking down reading a book is going to catch his attention then you should probably switch to LibrariansSeekingSoulmates.com. This probably doesn’t exist, but if it did the small talk would be super pretentious.
The next should be a full body shot of you either cut out from a picture with your friends or a “funny” candid. Don’t post pictures of you posing alone. It’s just weird. It may have been funny in context, but it’s definitely super loser-y out of it. And after that you should definitely include pictures of you looking like you do other things besides stalk Instagram and get blackout drunk. We suggest skiing, painting, or riding a horse.
A very important side note: Your pictures should be recent and at normal angles in which you do not look four sizes smaller than you are. No guy will ever say to his friends, “Yeah she totally catfished me, like forty pounds heavier than in herpics, but her personality blew me away.” This only happens in romantic comedies and your dreams. You don’t want to date a guy who doesn’t like what you look like anyway, so why hide? If you’re overweight, guys who are into that will message you. If you don’t like those types of guys, go on a fucking diet. It’s not science. Rule of thumb: You always want to be hotter in person than you appear in your pictures.
Writing a profile: Obviously, the profile only applies to sites that require you to write one. Either way, don’t stress about it because a guy who thinks you look super hot in your pics will never say ehhh but she’s a PA, I only really date doctors . With profiles, less is much, much more. Don’t write an essay about how you felt after your parents’ divorce in ’02. Write the facts and one sort of funny joke. Let them know you’re lighthearted and don’t take this shit too seriously. You’re a betch, you have other things to do besides sit around and apply for a boyfriend. Write a few lines about yourself and run it by a friend. If she says you sound like a delusional maniac, rewrite. Then leave it alone. See? It’s simple.
“Guys don’t care what you do. A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is just slightly hotter and like, has a job interview at H&M in the morning. And 10 times out of 10, you know how that’s going to go.”
—Amy Schumer
So yeah, the good news is that whatever you do for a living probably isn’t going to affect your datability, unless you’re a hooker or something. And even then . . .
Do Guys Care About Your Job? by Head Pro
No! Well, not really. Linking suitability as a mate to one’s employment is still a distinctly masculine idea, like pretending that fantasy football is actually fun or never washing our sheets. Despite women embarking on long and fruitful careers for the better part of a century at this point, your career doesn’t matter much to us in terms of how fuckable you are, the way ours do for you. You’ll be very disappointed if you convince yourself your career in marketing is what makes you datable, only to discover he’s been banging a tollbooth attendant behind your back.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a job, and one you care about—ambition is a very sexy quality, and bodes well for other aspects of a potentially successful relationship. Just don’t make the mistake guys do by going into a field thinking it will score you tons of
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