Read Online How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy by Charles Fudgemuffin - Free Book Online

is,” he quickly clarified.  “Obviously I’m not talking about bum holes .”  He raised his hands once again in the guilty Italian footballer gesture.  “Urgh,” he then quickly added.  “But anyway, it’s just that I’ve never done any bum licking cos if I said to a lass, ‘Can I lick your bum?’ she’d think I was a total pervert.”
    “So what about baps?” Jixyl inquired.  “Can you ask a lass if you can lick her baps and she’d be alright with that?”
    “Well no, obviously not in everyday life,” Eric explained.  “But I’m talking about, like, once you’ve scored and you’re back to the bedroom and the kit’s coming off.  You can obviously lick her baps then.  You generally don’t even need to ask.  Things just progress to it … but I wouldn’t lick her bum.  She’d think I was a proper freak.”
    “Ar, right.  In the bedroom,” Jixyl replied, nodding thoughtfully.  “Ar, aye.  Yeah, we can obviously do that as well.  I thought you meant as everyday behaviour for a second there, like.  But, like, we can lick bums in the bedroom, like.  But why would you want to when you can lick baps and minges instead?”
    Eric got defensive again.  “Ar, aye.  I’m the same.”  He made the guilty Italian footballer gesture once again.  “Ar yeah, when I said I’d probably enjoy it I didn’t want to give you the impression that I’ve got some sort of sick secret bum licking fetish.  Ar, nar.  I didn’t mean nowt like that.  I was just describing what’s acceptable and what’s a bit freaky.  That’s all.  I wasn’t meaning I’m secretly into bum licking.  Ar, nar.  Baps all the way for me, like, when it comes to tongue action.”
    “Even ahead of minges?” Jixyl asked.
    “Hmm … I generally don’t venture south unless I’ve had a few beers,” Eric remarked.  “Although admittedly I generally never score unless I’ve had a canny few beers, like.  So aye, actually I would say minges have got more appeal than baps, like.  But that’s not to diminish the appeal of baps, though.  I meant that as a compliment to minges rather than a criticism of baps.”
    “Yeah, total agreement there, like,” Jixyl agreed.
    Eric was more interested in learning about alien protocol and procedure though, than in discussing his own preferences.  “So is it the same on Fyra for scoring?” he asked.  “Like, do you need a canny few beers down you before you’ve got enough bottle to score, or can you just score when you’re sober?”
    “Alcohol’s something we use in Chemistry on Fyra,” Azleev explained.  “You don’t drink it to give you confidence.  We’ve got a drink called diquintenol though, which sounds quite similar.  It’s an intoxicating beverage like alcohol.”
    “Actually we’ve got a few with uz if you want to try some,” Jixyl offered.
    “Hmm…” Eric pondered.  He couldn’t deny he was tempted, but at the same time he couldn’t help thinking that trying an alien intoxicating beverage would probably be a very foolish decision.  It was a dilemma, and he felt like he had a little cartoon angel on one shoulder and a little cartoon devil on the other shoulder.  The angel was saying to him, ‘Drinking an intoxicating alien drink probably isn’t the wisest course of action to take … especially when you’ve only known the aliens for a few minutes.’  On the other shoulder the devil was saying to him, ‘Don’t stress about it.’
    Eric considered the two options.  On the one hand his common sense was in total agreement with the advice of the cartoon angel, but on the other hand Eric reasoned that common sense could be quite a boring attribute.  ‘Hmm … don’t stress about it,’ he thought to himself.  ‘That’s a very compelling argument.’  After weighing up the options Eric decided that the cartoon devil had the loudest voice.  “Aye, I could do, like,” he eventually replied.
    So Jixyl went to a cupboard and produced