How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

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Authors: Charles Fudgemuffin
isn’t gonna help,” Azleev explained.  “We’d crash whether we’ve been drinking or not.”
    “Here, man.  So, like, do you think if we were flying along and then the computer stopped working, do you think we’d have time to fix the computer before we smashed into the deck, like?” Jixyl mocked.  “Without the computer we’d smack into the deck within about four seconds, man.  There’s no way we’d have time to fix anything … drunk or sober.”
    “Well thanks, like,” Eric replied.  “You’re really filling uz with confidence, like.”
    “But don’t worry though.  The chances of the primary computer and the back up computer both going on the blink at the same time are virtually non-existent,” Azleev assured Eric.  “I’ve never known a crash in my lifetime.  You get the occasional incident with Lindors [13] but this is a top of the range Plorske spaceship and the reliability on Plorskes means they basically never crash.  My grandad reckons it happened once in his lifetime but that was before they invented sub-molecular techno-bots.”
    “Yeah, don’t worry … it’s, like, got an infinitely small chance of happening nowadays,” Jixyl added.  “But if it makes you feel more comfortable then we’ll neck a couple of anti-diquins before we set off.”
    “I take it that’s something that sobers you up, is it?” Eric guessed.
    “Aye,” Jixyl confirmed.
    “Canny fluky, that, like.  Having something you can take to just sober you up just like that, like,” Eric remarked.
    “Are you up for it then?” Jixyl inquired.  “Shall we take you for a fly about?”
    “Will people not see us though if we fly about, though?” Eric asked.
    “Nar, the spaceship’s fitted with light refracti on displacement technology,” Jixyl explained.  “Basically it senses when there’s sentient beings in the vicinity and then takes images from the other side of the ship and then relays them directly into the sentient being’s brain so that in effect they basically see right through the spaceship.  It’s effective from twenty metres and upwards.”
    “Ar, that’ll be how I didn’t see your spaceship earlier on, and then it just s uddenly appeared,” Eric realised.
    “Aye, it works excellent like,” Jixyl replied.  “Don’t worry.  No-one’ll see us.
    “Is that light refraction technology wotsit not a bit dodgy, though?” Eric asked.  “Like, messing with people’s brains … is it totally safe, is it?
    “It’s okay … in ninety three percent of cases there’s no serious side effects,” Jixyl revealed.
    Eric, however, didn’t share Jixyl’s opinion that a ninety three percent safety record was anything to brag about.  “Ninety three percent!  So you’re saying there’s a seven percent chance of serious side effects!?” he shrieked.  “You used it on me earlier on!!!”
    “You’re being too negative, man.  There’s a ninety three percent chance that you’ll be completely fine,” Jixyl assured him.
    Eric, however, didn’t find this statistic very reassuring.  “Aye but that’s still a seven percent chance that’ll something dodgy’ll happen to uz!”  In fact he was clearly freaked out by this news.
    “Seven percent’s nothing, man,” Jixyl argued.  “It’s excellent odds.”
    “I flipping can’t believe you, like!” Eric retorted, obviously not sharing Jixyl’s endorsement of the odds.  “Seven percent!!  It’s not that excellent.”
    “Chill, man.  He’s just winding you up,” Azleev then revealed, with a wry grin on his face.
    “So what are the odds really?” Eric inquired.
    “There aren’t any odds,” Azleev answered.  “It’s totally safe.”
    Jixyl started laughing.  “Nar, man.  Soz.  Just having a laugh.  Aye, it’s totally safe,” he chuckled.
    Eric joined in with the chuckling, although his chuckling was more an expression of relief rather than an expression of mirth and merriment like Jixyl’s chuckling.
    After

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