How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

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Authors: Charles Fudgemuffin
a few glasses of clear liquid, which he and Azleev then proceeded to drink.  Eric then followed suit and did likewise.  It wasn’t the most pleasant drink Eric had ever tasted and what made it even worse was that he didn’t seem the slightest bit drunk.  By now, however, his curiosity was piqued so he downed a couple more glasses, again with no noticeable effect.
    “Are you sure this isn’t just dodgy-flavoured water?” Eric inquired.  “Just cos I’m not getting any effect, like.  I mean, admittedly I can totally take my booze, like, but you’d think I’d have got some effect by now … even allowing for my exceptional drinking skills.”  In reality Eric wasn’t that great a drinker and this was just mock bravado.
    “Are you sure?” Azleev questioned.  “You should definitely be feeling quite intoxicated by now.”
    “Aye, I’m totally DQed up, me, like,” Jixyl remarked.  Jixyl had also had a fair few glasses of the liquid.
    “DQed up?  Is that what you call it?” Eric asked.
    “Aye.  That’s basically our equivalent of getting drunk,” Jixyl explained.  “Well … getting diquintenoled up is the correct term, but you’d just generally say ‘DQed up,’ like.”
    “Well anyway, whatever you call it … it’s not working on me, like,” Eric remarked.
    “Eh, you must have some different biological make-up to us then,” Jixyl surmised, “cos after drinking that much you should definitely be well on your way to being DQed up, like.”
    “Yeah, it’s strange, that,” Azleev added, ponderously.  “Do you reckon we could maybe test your blood to check why it doesn’t work on humans?”
    Eric suddenly became defensive.  “Ar, I dunno about that, like,” he replied.  Having his blood tested was getting too near to the scenario of alien experiments in his eyes, so that was the reason behind his reluctance.
    “Just out of curiosity,” Azleev explained.  “And we wouldn’t need much.  Just a thimbleful would be enough.”
    “It’s just, like … this isn’t a devious elaborate scam, is it?” Eric asked, coming clean about his suspicions.  “Like, you haven’t just given uz some dodgy-flavoured water and then gone, ‘Oo, that’s strange.  We better test your blood,’ just as a scam to get some of my blood to do strange alien experiments on it.”
    “Look, man.  You were unconscious a few minutes ago.  If we wanted your blood we could have just taken it then,” Jixyl pointed out.  “Look, if you don’t want to give us some of your blood then no worries, but Azleev is into his science and all that, so it’d be canny interesting for him if you did, like.  But if it’s a problem then no worries.”
    “Don’t worry.  It’s a totally painless procedure,” Azleev added, in an assuring tone of voice.
    Eric was still a bit reluctant but didn’t want to come across as unnecessarily awkward, so felt pressured into it.  “Well okay then,” he finally agreed, “but only if we go for a fly about in your spaceship.”
    “Yeah.  No worries,” Jixyl agreed.
    But then Eric had another thought.  “Ar, nar.  Hang on though.  You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?  Yous won’t be able to drive.”
    “It’s alright.  We’ll just stick it on autopilot,” Azleev reassured Eric.
    “Yeah, I mean … give us some credit,” Jixyl retorted.  “We obviously wouldn’t use manual after we’ve been drinking.”
    Eric still wasn’t convinced.  “But, like, even on auto-pilot, is it not a bit dodgy to be flying after a few drinks?  Like, what happens if the computer goes dodgy?”
    “All spaceships are fitted with a back-up computer,” Azleev explained.
    “But what happens if the back up computer knacks up as well?” Eric quizzed.
    “Well then we’ll crash,” Jixyl replied , matter-of-factly.
    “You see!  That’s what I mean, man!” Eric exclaimed.  “Drink driving [12] is purely dodgy, man!”
    “If the computer goes dodgy then being sober

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