Read Online How to be a Husband by Tim Dowling - Free Book Online

motivations of politicians, economic forecasts, etc. That’s why fishing is such a perfect communal activity for men: you can spend an entire day speculating about what might be happening underwater. Once upon a time we could also argue over areas of shared historical and scientific ignorance, but the smartphone put paid to all that: Circumference of the sun? 4,366,813 kilometers. Plantagenet kings? Got it right here, mate.
    Women tend be more forgiving about wrongness. Some women, in my experience, will even defer to a man’s pronouncements on a subject when he’s clearly wrong—when everyone else in the room is thinking: You’re wrong—if only to avoid denting his fragile ego in public.
    My wife is not one of those women. She does not draw a big distinction between denting my fragile ego in public and denting it at home. It’s one of the reasons I love her, and it’s also one of the reasons I won’t play tennis with her. It can’t be a bad thing for a man to learn to admit his mistakes with grace, or even, initially, without grace.
    *   *   *
    W hile arguing is inevitable in a marriage, protracted disputes can be damaging to a relationship, and are often avoidable. There usually comes a time in the middle of a heated argument when you realize you would rather be doing something else: watching TV perhaps, or eating. But if you have anysense at all you will not attempt to suspend hostilities by saying, “Ooh, that thing is about to start on BBC2,” or “You know what? I could really go for some M&M’s right now.”
    Conversely it is rare to be struck, midargument, by the sudden realization that you are wrong. That tends to happen much later, when you’re sitting by yourself trying to figure out why you didn’t win. It’s too late to be wrong then.
    Over many years I have learned the trick of amalgamating these two different types of epiphany. When you begin to lose interest in an argument either because you’re hungry or bored or you’ve simply run out of steam, scan your brain for ways in which you could be wrong. This can be difficult for men—at first it may even feel as if your brain won’t allow it—but this handy checklist should give you some clue as to the error of your ways:
    SEVEN WAYS IN WHICH YOU MIGHT BE WRONG
    1.
The Wrongness of Omission.
Have you deliberately withheld some evidence that supports the counter position? Introduce it as if you think it will help you, and then sit back and allow yourself to be taken apart.
    2.
The Wrongness of Not Listening.
This has the advantage of almost always being true—you probably haven’t been listening properly. You need to apologize, and then start listening, but that’s all you have to do. Your contribution to the debate has finished. From now on, just nod.
    3.
The Wrongness of Forgetting Your Original Purpose.
Arguments often lead you down little strategic alleyways in search of short-term advantage, and it’s easy to lose your way, especially if feelings are running high. But it’s perfectly feasible to close your rant with the words, “and I’ve now forgotten why I even started this sentence!” If you allow your partner to reassemble the broken pieces of your argument for you, you will almost always end up with a more charitable interpretation of your logic than you deserve.
    4.
The Wrongness of Underestimating Your Partner’s Emotional Investment in the Issue.
This is the point at which you say, “I had no idea you felt so strongly about this,” although what you probably mean is, “I’ve just realized I don’t feel strongly about this at all.” It’s not your fault. Righteous anger is an opportunistic emotion—it can desert you at weird times.
    5.
The Wrongness of Making It All About You.
It is rare for my wife and me to have a serious argument in which she does not at some stage say,