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Authors: Tim Dowling
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on his hands. You know what I mean.
This is hardly unfamiliar territory. You wonât get very far in life as a man without someone at work trying to make you feel irrelevant. Remaining indispensable at work is, of course, a simple matter of ensuring that your holiday replacement is a fool. This tactic is not generally recommended in marriageâyouâre not really supposed to take time offâbut the same cunning should be applied to your overall gender relevance strategy.
The biggest obstacle to relevance, as the chart below illustrates, is that the old standards by which a husbandâs worth was measured no longer apply:
Being a Good Husband: 1950
Being a Relevant Husband: 2014
Every time you go out for cigarettes, you come back.
Every time youâre sent out for espresso pods and tampons, you come back with the right sort.
You are the primary breadwinner.
You are the primary bread-maker.
Your main role is to provide.
Your main role is to provide answers at the school quiz, thanks to your extensive knowledge of US state capitals and Marvel Comics heroes.
You never cry.
You cry only when you think it will work.
You put on a tie to change a tire.
You put on a bicycle helmet to go to the shops.
Youâre good enough at plumbing to save hiring a professional.
Youâre good enough at polynomials to save hiring a maths tutor.
You know to keep married life and your various extra-marital flings separate.
You know to keep whites and colors separate.
Regaining a sense of purpose is a vital first step to relevance. Modern masculinity is not a role per se; itâs more of a patchwork of disparate talents, specialist knowledge, nonlateral thinking, and a handy lack of people skills. You must become a troubleshooter, ready to solve problems and fill gaps. Do not be afraid to step in wherever you think you can be of use. Donât waitâget out there and make yourself count. I donât know what your particular niche skills are, but here are some of mine:
Whistling loudly
. Even today, with the End of Men almost upon us, I still donât meet many women who can whistle reallyloudly. I often see them in the park in the morning, making a pathetic flutey noise that their dogs can easily pretend not to hear. I guess if you donât learn to whistle properly by a certain age, youâre never going to pick it up. This skill gap opens a vital window of opportunity for men. I donât like to brag, but when I stick two fingers in my mouth and blow, all the dogs look my way. I havenât quite figured out how to monetize this skill yet, but Iâm hoping to use it to sell ads or something. I need to act quickly, though. Apparently you can just buy whistles in shops.
Monotasking.
There are plenty of women out there who can hold down high-pressure jobs while simultaneously looking after children, baking cakes, and training for triathlons, but you know what they donât have? Focus. If thereâs anything men are good at, itâs doing one thing to the exclusion of all other things, until the task in question is either completed or mostly completed. I donât wash up. I wash up the baking tray until that baking tray is so clean you could sell it on eBay under the description âlike new.â Afterward, if thereâs any hot water left, I might do the colander as well. If you want someone who can make work calls, write computer code, and deworm a cat at the same time, get a woman. If, however, you need someone to gouge all the old wax out of the base of a candlestick, then only a man will do.
Agreeing about curtains.
Sometimes when youâre choosing curtains you want advice from someone who says things like, âLove the color, not sure about the pinch pleatsâ or âThe pattern goes well with the sofa, but are they maybe a bit heavy for summer?â Other times, however, you just want someone whoâll say, âYeah, fine, whatever.â If itâs the latter you
This is hardly unfamiliar territory. You wonât get very far in life as a man without someone at work trying to make you feel irrelevant. Remaining indispensable at work is, of course, a simple matter of ensuring that your holiday replacement is a fool. This tactic is not generally recommended in marriageâyouâre not really supposed to take time offâbut the same cunning should be applied to your overall gender relevance strategy.
The biggest obstacle to relevance, as the chart below illustrates, is that the old standards by which a husbandâs worth was measured no longer apply:
Being a Good Husband: 1950
Being a Relevant Husband: 2014
Every time you go out for cigarettes, you come back.
Every time youâre sent out for espresso pods and tampons, you come back with the right sort.
You are the primary breadwinner.
You are the primary bread-maker.
Your main role is to provide.
Your main role is to provide answers at the school quiz, thanks to your extensive knowledge of US state capitals and Marvel Comics heroes.
You never cry.
You cry only when you think it will work.
You put on a tie to change a tire.
You put on a bicycle helmet to go to the shops.
Youâre good enough at plumbing to save hiring a professional.
Youâre good enough at polynomials to save hiring a maths tutor.
You know to keep married life and your various extra-marital flings separate.
You know to keep whites and colors separate.
Regaining a sense of purpose is a vital first step to relevance. Modern masculinity is not a role per se; itâs more of a patchwork of disparate talents, specialist knowledge, nonlateral thinking, and a handy lack of people skills. You must become a troubleshooter, ready to solve problems and fill gaps. Do not be afraid to step in wherever you think you can be of use. Donât waitâget out there and make yourself count. I donât know what your particular niche skills are, but here are some of mine:
Whistling loudly
. Even today, with the End of Men almost upon us, I still donât meet many women who can whistle reallyloudly. I often see them in the park in the morning, making a pathetic flutey noise that their dogs can easily pretend not to hear. I guess if you donât learn to whistle properly by a certain age, youâre never going to pick it up. This skill gap opens a vital window of opportunity for men. I donât like to brag, but when I stick two fingers in my mouth and blow, all the dogs look my way. I havenât quite figured out how to monetize this skill yet, but Iâm hoping to use it to sell ads or something. I need to act quickly, though. Apparently you can just buy whistles in shops.
Monotasking.
There are plenty of women out there who can hold down high-pressure jobs while simultaneously looking after children, baking cakes, and training for triathlons, but you know what they donât have? Focus. If thereâs anything men are good at, itâs doing one thing to the exclusion of all other things, until the task in question is either completed or mostly completed. I donât wash up. I wash up the baking tray until that baking tray is so clean you could sell it on eBay under the description âlike new.â Afterward, if thereâs any hot water left, I might do the colander as well. If you want someone who can make work calls, write computer code, and deworm a cat at the same time, get a woman. If, however, you need someone to gouge all the old wax out of the base of a candlestick, then only a man will do.
Agreeing about curtains.
Sometimes when youâre choosing curtains you want advice from someone who says things like, âLove the color, not sure about the pinch pleatsâ or âThe pattern goes well with the sofa, but are they maybe a bit heavy for summer?â Other times, however, you just want someone whoâll say, âYeah, fine, whatever.â If itâs the latter you
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