Read Online He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Steven Carter
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television marriages made you more or less wary of commitment?
How about your friends in the real world? Do any of them have inspiring marriages? Do you look at them and want what they have? Do you want their conflicts and their anxieties? Do you truly want their brand of togetherness? When you watch them making decisions, do you envy their commitment or are you appalled by the number of compromises each partner has to make? What’s the end result? Do your friends give you a positive or a negative view of commitment?
Then there’s your family. What kinds of messages did you receive from them when you were a child? Were your parents happily married? Were they happy but disgruntled about the economics of marriage, the sacrifices of marriage, and the compromises of marriage? Was your father burdened and trapped by a dreary job? Did your mother feel hemmed in by the suburbs, or the city, or the country? Did either or both of them make compromises that they resented? Did you hear about it? How about fidelity? Were they in any way running away from each other?Were they bored? Did life at home seem dull and unsatisfying? Did they do things as a couple? Or were they avoiding each other and hiding out in separate activities?
How about your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and other relatives? What examples did they provide? Sometimes we form certain opinions from observing the parents of friends. When you visited friends’ homes, do you remember what you thought or felt about their parents? In short, when you were growing up, what kinds of messages did you receive about commitment?
What about other messages you might have received from the world at large? We’ve all heard the statistics about the soaring divorce rate. We know that these statistics reflect couples who aren’t getting along. We know that couples quarrel about money, sex, religion, cultural differences, and child raising. They quarrel about in-laws, housekeeping, and vacations. They quarrel about who’ll do the dishes and whose turn it is to take out the garbage. It’s difficult not to have been affected by all this.
We can’t help but react to what we read about couples struggling with the economics of maintaining a family. We’ve seen women carpooling and racing to work; we’ve seen husbands holding down two jobs. We’ve seen middle-class families with young children crowded into small apartments because that’s all they can afford. This is powerful stuff. Hasn’t it made us stop and think about whether we really want a permanent commitment and all it might entail?
At any age, based upon all these messages, you may remember having settled on certain attitudes. If you are a woman, did you decide you wanted a traditional marriage or did you want to maintain a career? Did you vow that you would never relinquish your independence? Did you want a life like your mother’s, or did you want something different? If you are a man, did you decide early on that you never wanted to be saddled with all the financial burdens of marriage, or did you dream about making enough to support hordes of children? What about today? Are you a woman who is thinking about the reality of keeping a job and doing the major share of housework and child care? Are you a man who fears you will never, ever make enough money to be able to send one child through college?
How have all of these messages influenced your feelings aboutcommitment? Do they make you nervous, fearful, and wary? Or have you decided that they don’t matter, because when you finally make a permanent commitment, it will be different? In other words, do you deny that you have commitment conflicts? Or do you know that you have conflicts, but still hope that when the time is right, they will magically disappear?
DENYING COMMITMENT FEARS
“I don’t understand any woman who says that she’s afraid of commitment. I want it more than anything else. I would get married in a minute.”
—LORI, thirty-four
Lori describes
How about your friends in the real world? Do any of them have inspiring marriages? Do you look at them and want what they have? Do you want their conflicts and their anxieties? Do you truly want their brand of togetherness? When you watch them making decisions, do you envy their commitment or are you appalled by the number of compromises each partner has to make? What’s the end result? Do your friends give you a positive or a negative view of commitment?
Then there’s your family. What kinds of messages did you receive from them when you were a child? Were your parents happily married? Were they happy but disgruntled about the economics of marriage, the sacrifices of marriage, and the compromises of marriage? Was your father burdened and trapped by a dreary job? Did your mother feel hemmed in by the suburbs, or the city, or the country? Did either or both of them make compromises that they resented? Did you hear about it? How about fidelity? Were they in any way running away from each other?Were they bored? Did life at home seem dull and unsatisfying? Did they do things as a couple? Or were they avoiding each other and hiding out in separate activities?
How about your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and other relatives? What examples did they provide? Sometimes we form certain opinions from observing the parents of friends. When you visited friends’ homes, do you remember what you thought or felt about their parents? In short, when you were growing up, what kinds of messages did you receive about commitment?
What about other messages you might have received from the world at large? We’ve all heard the statistics about the soaring divorce rate. We know that these statistics reflect couples who aren’t getting along. We know that couples quarrel about money, sex, religion, cultural differences, and child raising. They quarrel about in-laws, housekeeping, and vacations. They quarrel about who’ll do the dishes and whose turn it is to take out the garbage. It’s difficult not to have been affected by all this.
We can’t help but react to what we read about couples struggling with the economics of maintaining a family. We’ve seen women carpooling and racing to work; we’ve seen husbands holding down two jobs. We’ve seen middle-class families with young children crowded into small apartments because that’s all they can afford. This is powerful stuff. Hasn’t it made us stop and think about whether we really want a permanent commitment and all it might entail?
At any age, based upon all these messages, you may remember having settled on certain attitudes. If you are a woman, did you decide you wanted a traditional marriage or did you want to maintain a career? Did you vow that you would never relinquish your independence? Did you want a life like your mother’s, or did you want something different? If you are a man, did you decide early on that you never wanted to be saddled with all the financial burdens of marriage, or did you dream about making enough to support hordes of children? What about today? Are you a woman who is thinking about the reality of keeping a job and doing the major share of housework and child care? Are you a man who fears you will never, ever make enough money to be able to send one child through college?
How have all of these messages influenced your feelings aboutcommitment? Do they make you nervous, fearful, and wary? Or have you decided that they don’t matter, because when you finally make a permanent commitment, it will be different? In other words, do you deny that you have commitment conflicts? Or do you know that you have conflicts, but still hope that when the time is right, they will magically disappear?
DENYING COMMITMENT FEARS
“I don’t understand any woman who says that she’s afraid of commitment. I want it more than anything else. I would get married in a minute.”
—LORI, thirty-four
Lori describes
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