Read Online He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter - Free Book Online
Authors: Steven Carter
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pursuing a relationship with him. There have, however, been two women who were available and responsive with whom he tried to live. Both times the relationship ended because he “felt miserable.”
“I think it was the women in both cases. They both did things I couldn’t stand. One of them kept a dog who would always try to get in the bed. She had the dog before I moved in, but I didn’t know that it bothered me. The other one played music in the morning that I couldn’t stand. In both cases things about the women made my skin crawl. I couldn’t take it. I felt as if I had to get away, or I would explode.”
IT’S ONLY FRIGHTENING WHEN IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER
“It’s the lifetime thing. That’s what scares me. The lifetime thing. Whose idea was that anyway?”
—JOHN, forty-two
It’s a mistake to believe that someone who is afraid of commitment is by definition afraid of relationships. Men and women with commitment conflicts can be loving, they can be tender, and they can be involved. That is, until the relationship in question looks like it might develop into a “lifetime thing.” When permanency isintroduced into the equation, fear surfaces. Remember that permanency means different things to different people. Some hypersensitive individuals feel threatened as soon as the first or second date if they believe that “more” will ultimately be expected of them; others may not feel stuck for years.
We have interviewed a fair number of men and women who told us that they were able to sidestep their commitment anxieties because they started thinking about a divorce at the very same moment that they began planning the wedding. But when it became more complicated, when children became involved, or joint property, suddenly they began to feel that there was no way out . Here are the most common periods when the claustrophobic fear of being stuck rises to the surface.
No Way Out! The Commitmentphobic Points of No Return
P OINT O NE : O NE D ATE , N O M ORE
Some men and women become unhinged after a good first date, particularly if they feel “more” is expected of them. Unable to relax and allow a relationship to grow, they immediately envision a committed future stretching out in front of them. So they panic.
P OINT T WO : A FTER S EX
To many of us sex means intimacy, intimacy means commitment, and commitment means forever. There are those who rarely allow a relationship to develop beyond a brief sexual connection. They are certain their partner assumes ongoing sex represents a permanent bond. Sometimes they assume the same thing.
P OINT T HERE : W HEN THE E XPECTATION I S R EAL
When two people have been going out for a while, there are expectations. Friends, family, the world, and your partner expect you to get married. This is the most common point at which people begin to get scared.
P OINT F OUR : T HE M ORNING A FTER
A fair number of men and women don’t react as if the commitment is real until after the wedding, after the couple moves in together, or after the romantic honeymoon haze has faded. That’s when they get anxious and/or depressed.
P OINT F IVE : T HE M ORNING A FTER THE M ORNING A FTER
This fifth point of no return can occur years into the relationship or marriage. It usually coincides with an event that is associated with “no way out”: the birth of a child, the purchase of a home, a fortieth birthday, the arrival of grandchildren, the onset of menopause. Each of these important markers can elicit panic: “If I don’t get out now, I’ll be stuck forever.”
Whether the fear happens in the first hour or in the twentieth year, the need to create distance and shake these unpleasant feelings is frequently intense enough to overlook any feelings of love one may hold for a partner. Getting away becomes the only priority. The fear may be real or imagined, reasonable or unreasonable. It doesn’t matter. The key lies in perception.
WHY SHOULD THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT BE SO
“I think it was the women in both cases. They both did things I couldn’t stand. One of them kept a dog who would always try to get in the bed. She had the dog before I moved in, but I didn’t know that it bothered me. The other one played music in the morning that I couldn’t stand. In both cases things about the women made my skin crawl. I couldn’t take it. I felt as if I had to get away, or I would explode.”
IT’S ONLY FRIGHTENING WHEN IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER
“It’s the lifetime thing. That’s what scares me. The lifetime thing. Whose idea was that anyway?”
—JOHN, forty-two
It’s a mistake to believe that someone who is afraid of commitment is by definition afraid of relationships. Men and women with commitment conflicts can be loving, they can be tender, and they can be involved. That is, until the relationship in question looks like it might develop into a “lifetime thing.” When permanency isintroduced into the equation, fear surfaces. Remember that permanency means different things to different people. Some hypersensitive individuals feel threatened as soon as the first or second date if they believe that “more” will ultimately be expected of them; others may not feel stuck for years.
We have interviewed a fair number of men and women who told us that they were able to sidestep their commitment anxieties because they started thinking about a divorce at the very same moment that they began planning the wedding. But when it became more complicated, when children became involved, or joint property, suddenly they began to feel that there was no way out . Here are the most common periods when the claustrophobic fear of being stuck rises to the surface.
No Way Out! The Commitmentphobic Points of No Return
P OINT O NE : O NE D ATE , N O M ORE
Some men and women become unhinged after a good first date, particularly if they feel “more” is expected of them. Unable to relax and allow a relationship to grow, they immediately envision a committed future stretching out in front of them. So they panic.
P OINT T WO : A FTER S EX
To many of us sex means intimacy, intimacy means commitment, and commitment means forever. There are those who rarely allow a relationship to develop beyond a brief sexual connection. They are certain their partner assumes ongoing sex represents a permanent bond. Sometimes they assume the same thing.
P OINT T HERE : W HEN THE E XPECTATION I S R EAL
When two people have been going out for a while, there are expectations. Friends, family, the world, and your partner expect you to get married. This is the most common point at which people begin to get scared.
P OINT F OUR : T HE M ORNING A FTER
A fair number of men and women don’t react as if the commitment is real until after the wedding, after the couple moves in together, or after the romantic honeymoon haze has faded. That’s when they get anxious and/or depressed.
P OINT F IVE : T HE M ORNING A FTER THE M ORNING A FTER
This fifth point of no return can occur years into the relationship or marriage. It usually coincides with an event that is associated with “no way out”: the birth of a child, the purchase of a home, a fortieth birthday, the arrival of grandchildren, the onset of menopause. Each of these important markers can elicit panic: “If I don’t get out now, I’ll be stuck forever.”
Whether the fear happens in the first hour or in the twentieth year, the need to create distance and shake these unpleasant feelings is frequently intense enough to overlook any feelings of love one may hold for a partner. Getting away becomes the only priority. The fear may be real or imagined, reasonable or unreasonable. It doesn’t matter. The key lies in perception.
WHY SHOULD THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT BE SO
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