Read Online He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Steven Carter
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THREATENING?
Some people might argue that fear of commitment is built into our genetic code, that in the human jungle the mere act of caring for and accommodating to a full-time partner is a threat. After all, it means slowing down, lowering defenses, and becoming less alert to the possibility of danger. The fact is that commitment is scary for a lot of reasons, all of which need to be acknowledged and examined.
First is what we see as the primary conflict—what we feel when commitment threatens our basic and powerful need to feel free. There are those who would even take this a step farther and question whether or not permanent commitment is healthy or even normal. These people question whether humans are meant to form permanent unions with each other. While thinking about this is provocative, there is probably no satisfactory answer to thequestion of whether people, like swans, are designed to mate for life. And we are not about to argue the merits of marriage versus a single life.
Forever is scary. Commitment—whether in the form of marriage or not—represents an enormous responsibility. Once we commit ourselves, we owe something to another human being. Someone else counts on us, depends on us, relies on us. The notion of this extra burden is frightening. But there is a difference between having commitment fears and being downright phobic.
WHAT THE WORLD TELLS US ABOUT MARRIAGE AND OTHER COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS
“Four years of therapy has shown me that because of my mother’s experiences I regard traditional marriage as a trap.”
—SARA, thirty-six
“What I’m afraid of is no mystery to me. I have a brother who is seven years older. When I was about twelve, he got married. His wife immediately became pregnant. By the time I was sixteen, the twins had been born; he had four kids and he was twenty-three years old. When I would go over to help baby-sit, I would feel so sorry for him. It was a madhouse, and he was trapped in it. I vowed it would never happen to me.”
—JEFFREY, forty-five
“My mother waited on my father hand and foot. She never had a minute to herself. Every second she was either taking care of me or my brother or chasing around making our father happy. She couldn’t even read a book without his asking her to get up and get him something. I love my father, but I don’t want that kind of marriage. If I get married, it’s going to be to a man who doesn’t expect me to be an appendage.”
—LISA, thirty-two
We hear about marriages everywhere—on television, in the news, standing on supermarket lines as we glance at the tabloid headlines. We are surrounded by couples we know—parents, family, friends. Looking at these relationships, we have witnessed tension, anger, and sometimes pain in addition to love. As we havelooked at marriage, whether it be media portrayals or real life, how have we been affected?
Let’s take television marriages. The Ricardos seemed to be having fun, but was this the kind of honest relationship that we wanted for ourselves? Lucy and Ethel were forever hiding the truth from Ricky and Fred. Besides, we all know that the real life of this television couple was even more dysfunctional than the one we viewed on the tube. We may have enjoyed watching the oh-so-normal Cleaver family, but how many young men grew up wanting to be like Ward, and how many young women honestly thought that June was having a perfectly nifty life? We probably looked at couples like Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady and thought their lives were boring and dull. The kids had all the fun.
Contemporary television couples such as the Connors or the Huxtables seem to be having a nicer time together, but don’t the Huxtables ever do anything without their children? And does anybody actually want a life like Roseanne Connors? Think about the happy television couples like the Keatons on Family Ties , and think about the couples from hell like the Bundys on Married with Children . Have
Some people might argue that fear of commitment is built into our genetic code, that in the human jungle the mere act of caring for and accommodating to a full-time partner is a threat. After all, it means slowing down, lowering defenses, and becoming less alert to the possibility of danger. The fact is that commitment is scary for a lot of reasons, all of which need to be acknowledged and examined.
First is what we see as the primary conflict—what we feel when commitment threatens our basic and powerful need to feel free. There are those who would even take this a step farther and question whether or not permanent commitment is healthy or even normal. These people question whether humans are meant to form permanent unions with each other. While thinking about this is provocative, there is probably no satisfactory answer to thequestion of whether people, like swans, are designed to mate for life. And we are not about to argue the merits of marriage versus a single life.
Forever is scary. Commitment—whether in the form of marriage or not—represents an enormous responsibility. Once we commit ourselves, we owe something to another human being. Someone else counts on us, depends on us, relies on us. The notion of this extra burden is frightening. But there is a difference between having commitment fears and being downright phobic.
WHAT THE WORLD TELLS US ABOUT MARRIAGE AND OTHER COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS
“Four years of therapy has shown me that because of my mother’s experiences I regard traditional marriage as a trap.”
—SARA, thirty-six
“What I’m afraid of is no mystery to me. I have a brother who is seven years older. When I was about twelve, he got married. His wife immediately became pregnant. By the time I was sixteen, the twins had been born; he had four kids and he was twenty-three years old. When I would go over to help baby-sit, I would feel so sorry for him. It was a madhouse, and he was trapped in it. I vowed it would never happen to me.”
—JEFFREY, forty-five
“My mother waited on my father hand and foot. She never had a minute to herself. Every second she was either taking care of me or my brother or chasing around making our father happy. She couldn’t even read a book without his asking her to get up and get him something. I love my father, but I don’t want that kind of marriage. If I get married, it’s going to be to a man who doesn’t expect me to be an appendage.”
—LISA, thirty-two
We hear about marriages everywhere—on television, in the news, standing on supermarket lines as we glance at the tabloid headlines. We are surrounded by couples we know—parents, family, friends. Looking at these relationships, we have witnessed tension, anger, and sometimes pain in addition to love. As we havelooked at marriage, whether it be media portrayals or real life, how have we been affected?
Let’s take television marriages. The Ricardos seemed to be having fun, but was this the kind of honest relationship that we wanted for ourselves? Lucy and Ethel were forever hiding the truth from Ricky and Fred. Besides, we all know that the real life of this television couple was even more dysfunctional than the one we viewed on the tube. We may have enjoyed watching the oh-so-normal Cleaver family, but how many young men grew up wanting to be like Ward, and how many young women honestly thought that June was having a perfectly nifty life? We probably looked at couples like Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver and Mr. and Mrs. Brady and thought their lives were boring and dull. The kids had all the fun.
Contemporary television couples such as the Connors or the Huxtables seem to be having a nicer time together, but don’t the Huxtables ever do anything without their children? And does anybody actually want a life like Roseanne Connors? Think about the happy television couples like the Keatons on Family Ties , and think about the couples from hell like the Bundys on Married with Children . Have
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