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Authors: Kim Marshall
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t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 6 7
the guy. As Betty Dodson says, “Women have been conditioned to sexually please men for food, shelter, and protection ever since we lived in caves.” Whether a woman succumbs to this fear depends on her level of self-confidence and assertiveness and the power balance within a relationship. Some women can say with total honesty, “I’ve never faked an orgasm.” They are willing to level with a man in bed, work on improving the sex, and let the chips fall where they may (“If he won’t listen and can’t learn, he’s a jerk and I don’t want him anyway”).
But lots of other women are less sure of themselves, have less power within their relationships, and hesitate to speak up about unsatisfying sex. Rather than trying to correct ineffective lovemaking, they conclude that too much candor will hurt his feelings, insult his skill as a lover, jeopardize the relationship—
or at the very least spoil the moment. As Stephanie Alexander wrote in Cosmopolitan in 1995, faking orgasms is “just a matter of expediency…When you have to get up for work the next morning, who has two spare hours to make him feel better about not making you feel great?”
So when the guy purrs, “Was it good for you, too, honey?” she’s not very likely to say, “Actually, sweetie, I didn’t come and, to tell you the truth, masturbation is a whole lot better than sex with you.” As gravelly 6 8
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t voiced Rosalind Russell sang in the classic musical, Wonderful Town , “That’s a sure way to lose a man!”
A fifth cause of faking is when a man’s attempts at foreplay are clumsy, unsatisfying, or even painful. The clitoris is a sensitive organ, and if foreplay is too rough, too rapid, too mechanical, or too intermittent, a woman can lose her place or get completely turned off. A super-goal-oriented man striving mightily to give his partner an orgasm can make a woman feel like a laboratory animal. In situations like this, the woman’s highest priority may be getting done with intercourse as quickly as possible. Here is one woman’s account from The Hite Report : When I come to the realization that I’m not going to reach orgasm, I fake one, so he’ll stop rubbing the life out of my clitoris and get on to the business of coming and it will be over with. In order to teach him how to do it right would take a major education and psychotherapy job which is only worth going through with someone I really dig.
Couldn’t a woman call for a time-out? Possibly, but that’s tricky to handle and could be a relationship-ender. Faking at least keeps some options open.
A final reason for faking is when an empathetic man whose pleasure is closely tied to that of his partner cannot Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 6 9
reach orgasm until she
does—but isn’t touching
Trapped by men’s
her in ways that are mak-
expectations and unable to
ing hers happen. With an
speak up about their own
overabundance of gen-
needs, many women
erosity (“doing a favor for
convince themselves that
a friend”), a woman in
faking orgasms is a good
this situation may pre-
short-term strategy—but
tend to come to help her
long term, it can cause major
struggling partner get
damage to a relationship.
over the top.
So there you have it:
six ways that women can convince themselves that faking orgasms is a rational short-term strategy. The problem is that once they start, it’s very difficult to stop. The longer a woman fakes and the more successful she is at deceiving her partner, the harder it is to tell the truth.
Imagine his angry questions: “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?! You’ve been doing this for how many years?
What else have you been lying about?” So the orgasm-faker is trapped into continuing to breathe and moan and holler in ways that convince her partner that his penis has produced a major seismic event. And that lets even the most
the guy. As Betty Dodson says, “Women have been conditioned to sexually please men for food, shelter, and protection ever since we lived in caves.” Whether a woman succumbs to this fear depends on her level of self-confidence and assertiveness and the power balance within a relationship. Some women can say with total honesty, “I’ve never faked an orgasm.” They are willing to level with a man in bed, work on improving the sex, and let the chips fall where they may (“If he won’t listen and can’t learn, he’s a jerk and I don’t want him anyway”).
But lots of other women are less sure of themselves, have less power within their relationships, and hesitate to speak up about unsatisfying sex. Rather than trying to correct ineffective lovemaking, they conclude that too much candor will hurt his feelings, insult his skill as a lover, jeopardize the relationship—
or at the very least spoil the moment. As Stephanie Alexander wrote in Cosmopolitan in 1995, faking orgasms is “just a matter of expediency…When you have to get up for work the next morning, who has two spare hours to make him feel better about not making you feel great?”
So when the guy purrs, “Was it good for you, too, honey?” she’s not very likely to say, “Actually, sweetie, I didn’t come and, to tell you the truth, masturbation is a whole lot better than sex with you.” As gravelly 6 8
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t voiced Rosalind Russell sang in the classic musical, Wonderful Town , “That’s a sure way to lose a man!”
A fifth cause of faking is when a man’s attempts at foreplay are clumsy, unsatisfying, or even painful. The clitoris is a sensitive organ, and if foreplay is too rough, too rapid, too mechanical, or too intermittent, a woman can lose her place or get completely turned off. A super-goal-oriented man striving mightily to give his partner an orgasm can make a woman feel like a laboratory animal. In situations like this, the woman’s highest priority may be getting done with intercourse as quickly as possible. Here is one woman’s account from The Hite Report : When I come to the realization that I’m not going to reach orgasm, I fake one, so he’ll stop rubbing the life out of my clitoris and get on to the business of coming and it will be over with. In order to teach him how to do it right would take a major education and psychotherapy job which is only worth going through with someone I really dig.
Couldn’t a woman call for a time-out? Possibly, but that’s tricky to handle and could be a relationship-ender. Faking at least keeps some options open.
A final reason for faking is when an empathetic man whose pleasure is closely tied to that of his partner cannot Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 6 9
reach orgasm until she
does—but isn’t touching
Trapped by men’s
her in ways that are mak-
expectations and unable to
ing hers happen. With an
speak up about their own
overabundance of gen-
needs, many women
erosity (“doing a favor for
convince themselves that
a friend”), a woman in
faking orgasms is a good
this situation may pre-
short-term strategy—but
tend to come to help her
long term, it can cause major
struggling partner get
damage to a relationship.
over the top.
So there you have it:
six ways that women can convince themselves that faking orgasms is a rational short-term strategy. The problem is that once they start, it’s very difficult to stop. The longer a woman fakes and the more successful she is at deceiving her partner, the harder it is to tell the truth.
Imagine his angry questions: “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?! You’ve been doing this for how many years?
What else have you been lying about?” So the orgasm-faker is trapped into continuing to breathe and moan and holler in ways that convince her partner that his penis has produced a major seismic event. And that lets even the most
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