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Authors: Kim Marshall
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conscientious guy off the hook when it comes to giving his partner a real orgasm at some other point in their lovemaking session. “I’m done. She’s done. Nighty-night.”
As he dozes off, his bad habits have been reinforced, his 7 0
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t sexual ego has been falsely inflated (“What an amazing lover I am!”), the penetration-produces-female-orgasm myth has been kept alive, and another opportunity for honest feedback and real learning has been lost.
And honest guidance is what men need! The sad thing about the amusing and very well-acted orgasm-faking scene in When Harry Met Sally is that Sally actually appeared to be giving her imaginary lover directive feedback (“Oh God! Yeah, right there! Yes!”). She was, in fact, engaging in a triple deception: faking her own pleasure, faking giving helpful feedback, and faking that he was taking the feedback and doing the right thing for her. What a disaster!
The damage that ongoing faking does to a relationship is enormous. The woman often feels cheated, slighted, and angry—but her frustration and resentment are locked inside her own head because she can’t talk to her mate about something very important that’s bothering her. And whether she knows it or not, she is angry at herself for carrying on the charade. This is not a recipe for domestic happiness! Yet all too many women are caught up in the faking way of making love.
Sex with no orgasmic payoff—sex that consists of putting on an act for the benefit of a man—is not going to stand the test of time. It’s likely to wither on the vine when the woman has reason to feel less friendly toward her partner, when she’s angry about something, when Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 1
she’s not “in the mood.” There can be other reasons, but resentment about not getting equal satisfaction in bed might be a prime cause for unhappiness with one’s sex life—and for fending off a man’s advances.
Happy Without Orgasms?
We’ve looked at three scenarios—Wham-Bam, Clueless, and Faking It—where couples have intercourse without the woman reaching orgasm. All these women are deeply unhappy with their sex lives, right? That seems like a no-brainer, but the reality is more complicated. In The Hite Report , 87 percent of the respondents said they enjoyed making love—this from a sample that, Hite’s critics contend, was skewed toward feminist beliefs. And surprisingly, women who didn’t have orgasms with their lovers were just as likely to say they enjoyed intercourse as those who did.
Shere Hite was so puzzled by these responses that she conducted a follow-up survey to get a better understanding of what the women were saying. From the responses (and other sources beyond Hite’s work), it’s clear that there are a number of emotional facets of intercourse that can make it truly enjoyable for a woman even if she doesn’t have an orgasm. Here’s what some women said:
• “It creates tender and intimate moments with a man.”
7 2
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
• “The full body-to-body contact is as close as I can get to someone else.”
• “It brings a spiritual dimension to our relationship.”
• “It is a time when I have the man’s undivided attention.”
• “It is exciting and flattering to have my body give such pleasure to a man.”
• “It is wonderful giving myself to him and having him appreciate that.”
• “Intercourse makes me feel accepted, appreciated, affirmed, and loved.”
• “It makes me feel competent, attractive, vital, whole, alive, and fulfilled.”
Naomi, a woman quoted in Our Bodies, Ourselves , gave this thoughtful, nuanced description of her feelings about intercourse:
The times when I make love with Jonathan and I’m only a little turned on I enjoy hugging him. It feels good to be close with him. Do I feel maternal, sisterly, a friend?
Maybe a need to be mothered? It’s not sorted out, but I know I
As he dozes off, his bad habits have been reinforced, his 7 0
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t sexual ego has been falsely inflated (“What an amazing lover I am!”), the penetration-produces-female-orgasm myth has been kept alive, and another opportunity for honest feedback and real learning has been lost.
And honest guidance is what men need! The sad thing about the amusing and very well-acted orgasm-faking scene in When Harry Met Sally is that Sally actually appeared to be giving her imaginary lover directive feedback (“Oh God! Yeah, right there! Yes!”). She was, in fact, engaging in a triple deception: faking her own pleasure, faking giving helpful feedback, and faking that he was taking the feedback and doing the right thing for her. What a disaster!
The damage that ongoing faking does to a relationship is enormous. The woman often feels cheated, slighted, and angry—but her frustration and resentment are locked inside her own head because she can’t talk to her mate about something very important that’s bothering her. And whether she knows it or not, she is angry at herself for carrying on the charade. This is not a recipe for domestic happiness! Yet all too many women are caught up in the faking way of making love.
Sex with no orgasmic payoff—sex that consists of putting on an act for the benefit of a man—is not going to stand the test of time. It’s likely to wither on the vine when the woman has reason to feel less friendly toward her partner, when she’s angry about something, when Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 1
she’s not “in the mood.” There can be other reasons, but resentment about not getting equal satisfaction in bed might be a prime cause for unhappiness with one’s sex life—and for fending off a man’s advances.
Happy Without Orgasms?
We’ve looked at three scenarios—Wham-Bam, Clueless, and Faking It—where couples have intercourse without the woman reaching orgasm. All these women are deeply unhappy with their sex lives, right? That seems like a no-brainer, but the reality is more complicated. In The Hite Report , 87 percent of the respondents said they enjoyed making love—this from a sample that, Hite’s critics contend, was skewed toward feminist beliefs. And surprisingly, women who didn’t have orgasms with their lovers were just as likely to say they enjoyed intercourse as those who did.
Shere Hite was so puzzled by these responses that she conducted a follow-up survey to get a better understanding of what the women were saying. From the responses (and other sources beyond Hite’s work), it’s clear that there are a number of emotional facets of intercourse that can make it truly enjoyable for a woman even if she doesn’t have an orgasm. Here’s what some women said:
• “It creates tender and intimate moments with a man.”
7 2
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t
• “The full body-to-body contact is as close as I can get to someone else.”
• “It brings a spiritual dimension to our relationship.”
• “It is a time when I have the man’s undivided attention.”
• “It is exciting and flattering to have my body give such pleasure to a man.”
• “It is wonderful giving myself to him and having him appreciate that.”
• “Intercourse makes me feel accepted, appreciated, affirmed, and loved.”
• “It makes me feel competent, attractive, vital, whole, alive, and fulfilled.”
Naomi, a woman quoted in Our Bodies, Ourselves , gave this thoughtful, nuanced description of her feelings about intercourse:
The times when I make love with Jonathan and I’m only a little turned on I enjoy hugging him. It feels good to be close with him. Do I feel maternal, sisterly, a friend?
Maybe a need to be mothered? It’s not sorted out, but I know I
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