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Authors: Kim Marshall
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do feel good. It satisfies one of my needs—for joyous physical contact with another person—but it isn’t really the intense sexual one.
In a sense, these women were agreeing with the old Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 3
saying, “When sex is good, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world, but when sex is bad, it’s still pretty good.”
What they are not saying is that intercourse gives them deep sexual gratification. Instead, they are thinking intimacy, spirituality, narcissism, and vicarious enjoyment of their partner’s pleasure.
But we have to wonder: are these women really happy with intercourse—or have they settled for what they believe is attainable given the realities of their lives and their relationships? Is their lovemaking truly fulfilling—or have they done a cost-benefit analysis and resigned themselves to getting certain benefits that come from intercourse without the full measure of sexual satisfaction? In her follow-up analysis, Hite concluded that these women had indeed made these compromises and that this was the explanation for the counterintuitive 87 percent finding.
So are women in this category sexually happy? Yes, they are enjoying their love relationships. Yes, there are many positive aspects to sexual intercourse for them.
And yes, it’s possible to enjoy making love without having an orgasm. But like their Victorian counter-parts, these women have lowered their expectations, given up on men as truly sensual lovers, and accepted that intercourse is not an arena for their own sexual fulfillment. For them, intercourse is a portal to other important aspects of life: security, intimacy, children, companionate love, and even domestic bliss.
7 4
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t This is not an irrational strategy and given the realities most women confront every day, it’s nothing to sneer at.
But this modus vivendi systematically deprives women of a core life experience—an experience that their mates are enjoying almost every time they make love.
As sexually satisfied men slumber blissfully after intercourse, it should not surprise us that some of these women masturbate to quench their built-up sexual desire with an orgasm. Over the centuries some women have done this; even in Catholic nineteenth century France it was an acknowledged phenomenon.
Post-coital self-stimulation was specifically endorsed in an 1870 manual used by French priests hearing confessions: “If the husband should withdraw after ejaculation, before the wife has experienced orgasm, she may lawfully at once continue friction with her own hand, in order to attain relief.”
For these women, both past and present, masturbation may be the continuation of a private sex life that has existed since childhood or adolescence. At some point, they discovered that they could give themselves a secret, wonderfully pleasurable sensation at absolutely no cost and without asking for help from anyone else! Through an efficient feedback loop—
learning to touch themselves where it felt good and keeping going until it felt great—they found that having an orgasm was quite quick and easy—and felt Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 5
amazing. At first, they may have believed they were the only person in the world who did this (I invented it!).
Masturbation is a less obvious discovery for girls than it is for boys, and first masturbation often takes longer for many girls to figure out. But once a girl (or woman) has given herself her first orgasm, the circuitry is connected for good, and subsequent orgasms become easier and increasingly pleasurable. Natalie Angier describes the process:
The clitoris must be wired up to the brain—the big brain—before it can sing. The brain must learn to ride its little rod the way it must learn to balance its body on a bicycle. And once learned, the skill will not be forgotten. Some women learn how to climax in childhood, while others do not make the
In a sense, these women were agreeing with the old Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 3
saying, “When sex is good, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world, but when sex is bad, it’s still pretty good.”
What they are not saying is that intercourse gives them deep sexual gratification. Instead, they are thinking intimacy, spirituality, narcissism, and vicarious enjoyment of their partner’s pleasure.
But we have to wonder: are these women really happy with intercourse—or have they settled for what they believe is attainable given the realities of their lives and their relationships? Is their lovemaking truly fulfilling—or have they done a cost-benefit analysis and resigned themselves to getting certain benefits that come from intercourse without the full measure of sexual satisfaction? In her follow-up analysis, Hite concluded that these women had indeed made these compromises and that this was the explanation for the counterintuitive 87 percent finding.
So are women in this category sexually happy? Yes, they are enjoying their love relationships. Yes, there are many positive aspects to sexual intercourse for them.
And yes, it’s possible to enjoy making love without having an orgasm. But like their Victorian counter-parts, these women have lowered their expectations, given up on men as truly sensual lovers, and accepted that intercourse is not an arena for their own sexual fulfillment. For them, intercourse is a portal to other important aspects of life: security, intimacy, children, companionate love, and even domestic bliss.
7 4
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t This is not an irrational strategy and given the realities most women confront every day, it’s nothing to sneer at.
But this modus vivendi systematically deprives women of a core life experience—an experience that their mates are enjoying almost every time they make love.
As sexually satisfied men slumber blissfully after intercourse, it should not surprise us that some of these women masturbate to quench their built-up sexual desire with an orgasm. Over the centuries some women have done this; even in Catholic nineteenth century France it was an acknowledged phenomenon.
Post-coital self-stimulation was specifically endorsed in an 1870 manual used by French priests hearing confessions: “If the husband should withdraw after ejaculation, before the wife has experienced orgasm, she may lawfully at once continue friction with her own hand, in order to attain relief.”
For these women, both past and present, masturbation may be the continuation of a private sex life that has existed since childhood or adolescence. At some point, they discovered that they could give themselves a secret, wonderfully pleasurable sensation at absolutely no cost and without asking for help from anyone else! Through an efficient feedback loop—
learning to touch themselves where it felt good and keeping going until it felt great—they found that having an orgasm was quite quick and easy—and felt Fa k i n g I t a n d D e a l i n g w i t h I t 7 5
amazing. At first, they may have believed they were the only person in the world who did this (I invented it!).
Masturbation is a less obvious discovery for girls than it is for boys, and first masturbation often takes longer for many girls to figure out. But once a girl (or woman) has given herself her first orgasm, the circuitry is connected for good, and subsequent orgasms become easier and increasingly pleasurable. Natalie Angier describes the process:
The clitoris must be wired up to the brain—the big brain—before it can sing. The brain must learn to ride its little rod the way it must learn to balance its body on a bicycle. And once learned, the skill will not be forgotten. Some women learn how to climax in childhood, while others do not make the
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