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Authors: Mark Russell
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himself.
Meanwhile, David spent most of his time away from home fighting wars. In the middle of all his fighting, David decided to take a census, which really ticked God off for some reason.
“Maybe this is a chance to show David who’s really in charge,” God wondered.
To teach him a lesson, God gave David a choice of three punishments: either Israel could suffer three years of famine, three months of losing battles, or three days of God’s bare-knuckled, no-holds-barred wrath.
Hoping to get the punishment over with as soon as possible,
David chose the three days of divine wrath. In just 72 hours, God managed to wipe out seventy thousand people. David was so distraught that he ripped his clothes and poured ash on himself and begged God to stop.
“Fine, quit your blubbering, you big baby,” God said. “I’ve got parchment which needs gluing, anyway.”
God threw himself back into a new Creative Memories scrapbook. At this point, First Chronicles takes a break to list six chapters worth of notable people and birth records, including those of God’s favorite musicians and soldiers.
It even gives a shout-out to some of Jerusalem’s gatekeepers.
His wars over, his kingdom secure, David decided to spend more time at home, hanging out with the family. He rediscovered his love of music and once again took up jamming on his harp, writing songs. His son, Solomon, turned out to be musically inclined as well.
Before he died, David gathered all the timber, gold and jewelry he’d accumulated as spoils of war over the years and gave them to Solomon along with the architectural blueprints for God’s new temple.
“Whatever you do,” David advised his son, “don’t drag your feet on building this temple. God will get sick of scrapbooking before long. Everyone does. When that happens, trust me, he’ll be looking for reasons to be pissed off.”
The 1 st Book of Chronicles
After Solomon was crowned king, he eagerly began construction on the temple.
Like most rich nations, Israel was completely dependent on foreign labor. Solomon knew that in order to bring a really big construction project in under budget, you needed illegal aliens, and plenty of them. So Solomon rounded up all the immigrants in Israel and put them to work cutting stones in the quarry and carrying them to the construction site. Then he hired the best architects, artisans and interior decorators from all over the world to put the temple together and imbue it with an opulent, yet dignified, sense of elegance.
When completed, the temple was tricked out with gold plating, bas reliefs of palm trees and jewel-studded walls. It even came with apples hanging from chains, like charms from a necklace. It had dozens of hand-washing stations for the priests, an enormous altar, and crowns and water basins, all made out of the best gold.
For the grand opening party, Solomon slaughtered twenty thousand oxen and sheep. God was so impressed by his new house that he sent fire down from heaven, convection baking all that meat for everyone who’d come to marvel at the temple.
Riding atop the Ark, God was ceremoniously moved into his new house. Nobody had ever seen anything quite like it. It was a true architectural marvel, and it soon became famous all over the world as the Temple of Solomon.
During the housewarming party, one of the priests had made the egregious error of looking inside the Ark, but God was so mellowed out by the good time he was having that he didn’t even kill the guy.
Later, that priest told his story to the others, who were positively dumbstruck.
“You looked INSIDE the Ark?” one asked. “That’s insane!”
“What was inside?” Another asked.
“It was empty,” the priest shrugged, “except for a couple of stone tablets.”
All this time, the only thing God kept in the Ark were the tablets he had given to Moses centuries before. The deal he had made with the Jews to be his people.
“You’ve done an amazing job
Meanwhile, David spent most of his time away from home fighting wars. In the middle of all his fighting, David decided to take a census, which really ticked God off for some reason.
“Maybe this is a chance to show David who’s really in charge,” God wondered.
To teach him a lesson, God gave David a choice of three punishments: either Israel could suffer three years of famine, three months of losing battles, or three days of God’s bare-knuckled, no-holds-barred wrath.
Hoping to get the punishment over with as soon as possible,
David chose the three days of divine wrath. In just 72 hours, God managed to wipe out seventy thousand people. David was so distraught that he ripped his clothes and poured ash on himself and begged God to stop.
“Fine, quit your blubbering, you big baby,” God said. “I’ve got parchment which needs gluing, anyway.”
God threw himself back into a new Creative Memories scrapbook. At this point, First Chronicles takes a break to list six chapters worth of notable people and birth records, including those of God’s favorite musicians and soldiers.
It even gives a shout-out to some of Jerusalem’s gatekeepers.
His wars over, his kingdom secure, David decided to spend more time at home, hanging out with the family. He rediscovered his love of music and once again took up jamming on his harp, writing songs. His son, Solomon, turned out to be musically inclined as well.
Before he died, David gathered all the timber, gold and jewelry he’d accumulated as spoils of war over the years and gave them to Solomon along with the architectural blueprints for God’s new temple.
“Whatever you do,” David advised his son, “don’t drag your feet on building this temple. God will get sick of scrapbooking before long. Everyone does. When that happens, trust me, he’ll be looking for reasons to be pissed off.”
The 1 st Book of Chronicles
After Solomon was crowned king, he eagerly began construction on the temple.
Like most rich nations, Israel was completely dependent on foreign labor. Solomon knew that in order to bring a really big construction project in under budget, you needed illegal aliens, and plenty of them. So Solomon rounded up all the immigrants in Israel and put them to work cutting stones in the quarry and carrying them to the construction site. Then he hired the best architects, artisans and interior decorators from all over the world to put the temple together and imbue it with an opulent, yet dignified, sense of elegance.
When completed, the temple was tricked out with gold plating, bas reliefs of palm trees and jewel-studded walls. It even came with apples hanging from chains, like charms from a necklace. It had dozens of hand-washing stations for the priests, an enormous altar, and crowns and water basins, all made out of the best gold.
For the grand opening party, Solomon slaughtered twenty thousand oxen and sheep. God was so impressed by his new house that he sent fire down from heaven, convection baking all that meat for everyone who’d come to marvel at the temple.
Riding atop the Ark, God was ceremoniously moved into his new house. Nobody had ever seen anything quite like it. It was a true architectural marvel, and it soon became famous all over the world as the Temple of Solomon.
During the housewarming party, one of the priests had made the egregious error of looking inside the Ark, but God was so mellowed out by the good time he was having that he didn’t even kill the guy.
Later, that priest told his story to the others, who were positively dumbstruck.
“You looked INSIDE the Ark?” one asked. “That’s insane!”
“What was inside?” Another asked.
“It was empty,” the priest shrugged, “except for a couple of stone tablets.”
All this time, the only thing God kept in the Ark were the tablets he had given to Moses centuries before. The deal he had made with the Jews to be his people.
“You’ve done an amazing job
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