Read Online Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) by NJ Flatman - Free Book Online
Authors: NJ Flatman
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else. She liked those small gestures that meant something special. Remembering to ask how her day was. Listening about her job. Knowing her favorite dinner and why a specific song had made her cry. She didn’t need much. She never asked for anything. And that made me want to give her everything.
Unfortunately, the plans had gotten fucked up. Stu’s latest whatever she was had bailed. That left it at the three of us. Stu was pissed off and used his energy to pick at me. It was normal. Just the way he was. But I’d reverted to guy mode.
Somehow we’d ended up playing poker. Just the two of us. And I’d gotten carried away with the game and the bets and mostly just proving my manhood. It was what we did. But I forgot that Avery didn’t know that side of me. She was used to Spencer that focused only on her. Apparently, it’d hurt her feelings.
What had started out as her being excited and amazed that I’d brought her, had ended up being her resentful that I’d brought her to ignore her. That car ride home had been a doozy. I’d never seen her angry and worked up. Hell, I’d never seen her confident enough to tell me off. But she sure as hell had. And even as her words hurt, I couldn’t help but love her more.
Until she’d told me she didn’t care if she saw me again or not. God that had been an awful feeling. I didn’t even respond, just drove away and tried to fight the tears that wanted to come. A world without Avery wasn’t one I wanted to face. So I could only hope that some rest would change her mind.
Turns out, I didn’t need that much. Before I’d even walked in the door at Kev’s place, she had text me. Her words seemed so sad.
I was so wrong. I do care if I see you. I want to see you. I was mad. But I’m not any more. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.
Clearly I’d told her that I wouldn’t. That I was sorry too. I’d been so damned happy to hear from her, I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted to know she was there.
And that’s when I got scared. That was when I knew that this was more than I’d ever bargained for. My mind had told me to back off. Leave her alone. Walk away while I still could. My heart argued. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t be away from her. So I’d spent a few days letting them battle it out.
The inner turmoil that I’d always felt was something that I couldn’t explain to anyone— not even Avery. Truth was, I didn’t fully understand it all myself. I knew there was something about Avery that made me feel like I should run in the other direction. I knew part of it was my childhood. The way my mother had done— the things she’d said— but I was an adult. I had the ability to walk away from her and her condescending bullshit, I just never really had. I continued to see her and let that negativity get deep inside my head.
Part of it was the drugs. Kevin’s use. My past use and constant battle not to do it again. The fact that sometimes I wondered if being on something was going to be the only time in my life that I felt sane and free of the demons deep inside. I didn’t turn to drugs because I didn’t love Jamie. I turned to them because I did. Because I didn’t love me and I was terrified that she would see all that was wrong with me.
In the end that’s what it was all about. I could say I didn’t want Avery to see the dark side of life. I could say that I didn’t want to abandon her and hurt her. I could say that I was a fuck up and I knew I’d ruin us. Hell I could even say that it was my parents’ fault that I was who I was.
All of that was true. But what made me want to run was deeper than that. It was something I couldn’t completely understand and didn’t know how to change. What scared me the most— what left me paralyzed and unable to truly sink into the relationship and feelings with Avery— was the fact that I knew that someday she would see who
Unfortunately, the plans had gotten fucked up. Stu’s latest whatever she was had bailed. That left it at the three of us. Stu was pissed off and used his energy to pick at me. It was normal. Just the way he was. But I’d reverted to guy mode.
Somehow we’d ended up playing poker. Just the two of us. And I’d gotten carried away with the game and the bets and mostly just proving my manhood. It was what we did. But I forgot that Avery didn’t know that side of me. She was used to Spencer that focused only on her. Apparently, it’d hurt her feelings.
What had started out as her being excited and amazed that I’d brought her, had ended up being her resentful that I’d brought her to ignore her. That car ride home had been a doozy. I’d never seen her angry and worked up. Hell, I’d never seen her confident enough to tell me off. But she sure as hell had. And even as her words hurt, I couldn’t help but love her more.
Until she’d told me she didn’t care if she saw me again or not. God that had been an awful feeling. I didn’t even respond, just drove away and tried to fight the tears that wanted to come. A world without Avery wasn’t one I wanted to face. So I could only hope that some rest would change her mind.
Turns out, I didn’t need that much. Before I’d even walked in the door at Kev’s place, she had text me. Her words seemed so sad.
I was so wrong. I do care if I see you. I want to see you. I was mad. But I’m not any more. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.
Clearly I’d told her that I wouldn’t. That I was sorry too. I’d been so damned happy to hear from her, I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted to know she was there.
And that’s when I got scared. That was when I knew that this was more than I’d ever bargained for. My mind had told me to back off. Leave her alone. Walk away while I still could. My heart argued. I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t be away from her. So I’d spent a few days letting them battle it out.
The inner turmoil that I’d always felt was something that I couldn’t explain to anyone— not even Avery. Truth was, I didn’t fully understand it all myself. I knew there was something about Avery that made me feel like I should run in the other direction. I knew part of it was my childhood. The way my mother had done— the things she’d said— but I was an adult. I had the ability to walk away from her and her condescending bullshit, I just never really had. I continued to see her and let that negativity get deep inside my head.
Part of it was the drugs. Kevin’s use. My past use and constant battle not to do it again. The fact that sometimes I wondered if being on something was going to be the only time in my life that I felt sane and free of the demons deep inside. I didn’t turn to drugs because I didn’t love Jamie. I turned to them because I did. Because I didn’t love me and I was terrified that she would see all that was wrong with me.
In the end that’s what it was all about. I could say I didn’t want Avery to see the dark side of life. I could say that I didn’t want to abandon her and hurt her. I could say that I was a fuck up and I knew I’d ruin us. Hell I could even say that it was my parents’ fault that I was who I was.
All of that was true. But what made me want to run was deeper than that. It was something I couldn’t completely understand and didn’t know how to change. What scared me the most— what left me paralyzed and unable to truly sink into the relationship and feelings with Avery— was the fact that I knew that someday she would see who
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