Read Online Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart by Janet Grosshandler - Free Book Online
Authors: Janet Grosshandler
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too much moping around because it wasn’t good for my baby. I wrote to my parents once a week but I never wrote to Jame. I didn’t know his address and he didn’t deserve to hear from me. He was off being the rookie recruit star of Rice University’s basketball team and I was in Tallahassee getting ready to give birth to his child. It didn’t seem fair somehow.
My cousins pushed me to decide on what I would do after giving the baby up.
“Cath, after the baby, you need to figure out what your plans are. Will you go home and go back to college there?”
“No, I told everyone when I left in July that I wasn’t going to Rutgers. I said I changed my mind and was going to go to college in Florida so it would look stupid if I showed up at RU. Plus I know too many OLOS kids who go there and they’ll constantly ask about Jame and talk about how great he’s doing, and it’ll make me sick.”
Barbara looked thoughtful and said, “Well, I have an idea if you’re interested, Cath.”
“I don’t know if I’m interested in anything except having this baby, but go ahead.”
“Put in an application for Florida State right here in Tallahassee. I could help you get in. Take that Journalism major you planned on doing. You could live here. Do the spring and summer semesters and catch up. Then if you wanted, you could stay at FSU and live here or in a dorm or transfer back to Rutgers and no one will know any better.”
It was the first time I looked at reality after the baby. A little window of hope opened up inside me and I started thinking. The baby was due after Christmas or around New Year’s. I could start FSU a few weeks later after I was feeling better and never have to go home to New Jersey and the memories. Start fresh.
“That sounds like a good idea, Barb. Will you help me?”
The labor pains started on New Year’s Eve in the morning. Judy had taught me a lot of things about labor and my baby’s birth and what to expect. I guess I thought this day would never come. Feelings of panic washed over me. I couldn’t do this. I was only eighteen. I wasn’t ready to give birth to this being who had been inside me for nine months. I wasn’t ready for this baby to leave my body or my life.
We called my Mom and Dad who didn’t really wish me well but told me they loved me and that things would be better soon. I guess that meant after I gave my baby away. I felt even more alone and isolated.
Judy and Barbara were great at the hospital. They held my hand, fed me ice chips, and helped me breathe through the contractions. The doctor gave me an epidural to take away the pain and then it was time to push. It was New Year’s Day.
As my baby came out, I saw a shock of dark brown hair and a long thin body. He cried his first cry and the nurse, at Judy’s request, let me see him and hold him for a minute before he was taken away from me forever.
As I held my son in my arms for the one and only time, he opened his eyes and I swear they were Jame’s dark eyes staring back at me. I kissed his little head, felt his heart beating, and whispered, “Please don’t ever forget me, baby boy. I will never forget you.”
The nurse said it was time for me to say goodbye. His adoptive parents were anxious to meet him. I would stay in the hospital a few days but wouldn’t see him again. Barbara had assured me he was going to a wonderful couple that would give him a very loving home.
My last kiss forever. I took one final look, memorizing that sweet, sweet angel face and let the nurse take him out of my arms. Judy’s and Barbara’s tears fell along with mine and we all had a good cry. From then on, I prayed for him every day and every New Year’s Day I said an extra special birthday prayer for him that he was safe and well and happy. But there would always a piece of my heart missing.
I
My cousins pushed me to decide on what I would do after giving the baby up.
“Cath, after the baby, you need to figure out what your plans are. Will you go home and go back to college there?”
“No, I told everyone when I left in July that I wasn’t going to Rutgers. I said I changed my mind and was going to go to college in Florida so it would look stupid if I showed up at RU. Plus I know too many OLOS kids who go there and they’ll constantly ask about Jame and talk about how great he’s doing, and it’ll make me sick.”
Barbara looked thoughtful and said, “Well, I have an idea if you’re interested, Cath.”
“I don’t know if I’m interested in anything except having this baby, but go ahead.”
“Put in an application for Florida State right here in Tallahassee. I could help you get in. Take that Journalism major you planned on doing. You could live here. Do the spring and summer semesters and catch up. Then if you wanted, you could stay at FSU and live here or in a dorm or transfer back to Rutgers and no one will know any better.”
It was the first time I looked at reality after the baby. A little window of hope opened up inside me and I started thinking. The baby was due after Christmas or around New Year’s. I could start FSU a few weeks later after I was feeling better and never have to go home to New Jersey and the memories. Start fresh.
“That sounds like a good idea, Barb. Will you help me?”
The labor pains started on New Year’s Eve in the morning. Judy had taught me a lot of things about labor and my baby’s birth and what to expect. I guess I thought this day would never come. Feelings of panic washed over me. I couldn’t do this. I was only eighteen. I wasn’t ready to give birth to this being who had been inside me for nine months. I wasn’t ready for this baby to leave my body or my life.
We called my Mom and Dad who didn’t really wish me well but told me they loved me and that things would be better soon. I guess that meant after I gave my baby away. I felt even more alone and isolated.
Judy and Barbara were great at the hospital. They held my hand, fed me ice chips, and helped me breathe through the contractions. The doctor gave me an epidural to take away the pain and then it was time to push. It was New Year’s Day.
As my baby came out, I saw a shock of dark brown hair and a long thin body. He cried his first cry and the nurse, at Judy’s request, let me see him and hold him for a minute before he was taken away from me forever.
As I held my son in my arms for the one and only time, he opened his eyes and I swear they were Jame’s dark eyes staring back at me. I kissed his little head, felt his heart beating, and whispered, “Please don’t ever forget me, baby boy. I will never forget you.”
The nurse said it was time for me to say goodbye. His adoptive parents were anxious to meet him. I would stay in the hospital a few days but wouldn’t see him again. Barbara had assured me he was going to a wonderful couple that would give him a very loving home.
My last kiss forever. I took one final look, memorizing that sweet, sweet angel face and let the nurse take him out of my arms. Judy’s and Barbara’s tears fell along with mine and we all had a good cry. From then on, I prayed for him every day and every New Year’s Day I said an extra special birthday prayer for him that he was safe and well and happy. But there would always a piece of my heart missing.
I
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