months? I could be halfway in love with him by then and if he’s leaves after we have sex and I never hear from him again, I don’t know how I’ll handle that. Whereas, if I slept with him tomorrow and then he ditched me after that, at least there won’t be any deep feelings involved.”
“Why would you think someone would disappear after sleeping with you?” He asks slowly.
I look into his eyes trying to find out how much he knows. I know that if I told him, he could talk to me about it, maybe give me the explanation that I’ve been waiting for since I was sixteen. “Well, that’s all some guys are interesting in, right? Sex.”
“Lilith, from what I can tell, the only person you’ve slept with has been Gavin, I don’t remember there being anyone else before him and I know there hasn’t been anyone since him, why would you assume to know that’s all some guys want?”
“I don’t know,” I shrug and turn to face the bottles that are staked behind the bar. “Just an assumption, I guess.”
“Look, clearly there’s more going on here than you’re telling me. Or more has gone on that I don’t know about but I know that no matter what I say to you, you won’t tell me. But I know this much, something happened that changed you, Lil and it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. You and Jason used to be best friends and freaking inseparable at one point, everyone suspected that there was more between you two than just friendship but hell, you were both only sixteen so when you both stopped talking to each other, we just assumed that you’d argued or outgrown each other. Now I’m thinking there was something more going on and I can tell you that whatever happened between those two teenagers, it has nothing to do with that men do, because you were still kids. Kids make mistakes, we all know that and you shouldn’t let that change how you see things as an adult.” Like, I did earlier, Cal sighs long and hard and I suspect is because I’m looking at anything and everything that isn’t him at the moment. “As I said earlier, this conversation didn’t happen, so I’m not going to say anything to anyone about this but, Lil, whatever happened ten years ago shouldn’t affect you now. If you want to move things forward with Ethan, there’s no right time for that. You not working to a deadline here, if it happens, it happens, but this will be your forth date, so yeah, it’s acceptable.”
“Okay.” I nod at the bar and turn to look at him again. “Thank you.”
“No problem. I just have one last thing to say and then I’ll never talk about this ever again; forgiveness isn’t just needed by the person who seeks it, Lil, very often, the person who was hurt needs to give it more than the one who receives it does. If you want to move on, you need to forgive.”
Fifteen
After my talk with Cal, I spent all night thinking about everything and I guess at some point, I decided that I’m not only ready to have sex with Ethan, but I want to.
I think.
I must, I mean, I’m here aren’t I?
I look around and take in my surroundings, I’m in Ethan’s house- he has an actual house, like a grown up. It’s even decorated like an adult’s house. Yeah, I’m definitely here. This point is proven further when Ethan passes me another bottle of beer. My third. With a smile, I accept it and turn m attention back to the TV.
This time we’re watching a straight to TV movie, I’m not sure what it’s about, I don’t even think there’s any kind of plot. It just seems to be about nothing. But that’s okay.
I hope he doesn’t fall asleep. That would seriously mess with my plans.
What if he does fall asleep? Would I have to wake him up? That doesn’t sound good.
Oh God, What if I fall asleep?
I won’t. I can’t.
“Are you okay?”
“Huh?” I turn my attention from the TV and my wandering thought to Ethan.
“Are you okay?” He repeats softly.
“I’m fine, are you okay?” I ask
“Why would you think someone would disappear after sleeping with you?” He asks slowly.
I look into his eyes trying to find out how much he knows. I know that if I told him, he could talk to me about it, maybe give me the explanation that I’ve been waiting for since I was sixteen. “Well, that’s all some guys are interesting in, right? Sex.”
“Lilith, from what I can tell, the only person you’ve slept with has been Gavin, I don’t remember there being anyone else before him and I know there hasn’t been anyone since him, why would you assume to know that’s all some guys want?”
“I don’t know,” I shrug and turn to face the bottles that are staked behind the bar. “Just an assumption, I guess.”
“Look, clearly there’s more going on here than you’re telling me. Or more has gone on that I don’t know about but I know that no matter what I say to you, you won’t tell me. But I know this much, something happened that changed you, Lil and it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. You and Jason used to be best friends and freaking inseparable at one point, everyone suspected that there was more between you two than just friendship but hell, you were both only sixteen so when you both stopped talking to each other, we just assumed that you’d argued or outgrown each other. Now I’m thinking there was something more going on and I can tell you that whatever happened between those two teenagers, it has nothing to do with that men do, because you were still kids. Kids make mistakes, we all know that and you shouldn’t let that change how you see things as an adult.” Like, I did earlier, Cal sighs long and hard and I suspect is because I’m looking at anything and everything that isn’t him at the moment. “As I said earlier, this conversation didn’t happen, so I’m not going to say anything to anyone about this but, Lil, whatever happened ten years ago shouldn’t affect you now. If you want to move things forward with Ethan, there’s no right time for that. You not working to a deadline here, if it happens, it happens, but this will be your forth date, so yeah, it’s acceptable.”
“Okay.” I nod at the bar and turn to look at him again. “Thank you.”
“No problem. I just have one last thing to say and then I’ll never talk about this ever again; forgiveness isn’t just needed by the person who seeks it, Lil, very often, the person who was hurt needs to give it more than the one who receives it does. If you want to move on, you need to forgive.”
Fifteen
After my talk with Cal, I spent all night thinking about everything and I guess at some point, I decided that I’m not only ready to have sex with Ethan, but I want to.
I think.
I must, I mean, I’m here aren’t I?
I look around and take in my surroundings, I’m in Ethan’s house- he has an actual house, like a grown up. It’s even decorated like an adult’s house. Yeah, I’m definitely here. This point is proven further when Ethan passes me another bottle of beer. My third. With a smile, I accept it and turn m attention back to the TV.
This time we’re watching a straight to TV movie, I’m not sure what it’s about, I don’t even think there’s any kind of plot. It just seems to be about nothing. But that’s okay.
I hope he doesn’t fall asleep. That would seriously mess with my plans.
What if he does fall asleep? Would I have to wake him up? That doesn’t sound good.
Oh God, What if I fall asleep?
I won’t. I can’t.
“Are you okay?”
“Huh?” I turn my attention from the TV and my wandering thought to Ethan.
“Are you okay?” He repeats softly.
“I’m fine, are you okay?” I ask
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