Read Online Doctors of Philosophy by Muriel Spark - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Muriel Spark
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MRS. S. You better remove the traces, Charlie, or it might reach the ears of an unseen audience. Shocking. (Goes out.)
C HARLIE (fiddling with machine) . How do you remove the tape?
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a child, I want a child.
CHARLIE switches it off.
CATHERINE. Oh, I can’t stand it. Charlie, I want Leonora to leave this house.
CHARLIE. Why?
CATHERINE. We have enough mouths to feed.
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a chi— (Switched off.)
CATHERINE. Charlie, stop it!
CHARLIE. I’m trying to remove the tape. If I hadn’t thought of it you would have let it go back to its owner with this incriminating tape inside it.
Enter ANNIE dressed ‘‘for lunch at the Ritz”.
ANNIE. I am lunching at the Ritz, if you must know.
CATHERINE. I haven’t asked you where you’re going, Annie.
ANNIE. You spoke with your eyes, Catherine. You said ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going?’
CHARLIE. Who is taking you to lunch?
A NNIE. I am taking young Charlie to lunch.
C HARLIE. Young Charlie has suddenly become the focus of flattering attention in this household. He rapes my daughter and you take him to the Ritz.
LEONORA’S VOICE. … child, I want a child.
CATHERINE. Oh stop it, Charlie!
A NNIE. My dear, men are so extremely sentimental about their virile attractions. You must realise it isn’t every day that a handsome woman like Leonora makes a suggestion of that type. Naturally, Charlie wants to play it over and over again, it’s only natural.
CATHERINE. Leonora is not as handsome as she used to be.
CHARLIE. I want to get this tape out of the machine and burn it, actually.
ANNIE. That’s what they do with our love letters, I’m convinced of it. They read them over and over again, then, in despair, they burn them. Once a man starts burning your communications to him, you may be sure he’s beside himself.
CATHERINE. Leonora is to leave this house.
ANNIE. That’s quite the wrong way to handle the situation, Catherine. In my opinion the wife should always befriend the other woman in the case.
CHARLIE. I have the impression that Leonora would like to leave us but … I think she would really like to go, but …
ANNIE. But she can’t tear herself away from you, Charlie darling.
CATHERINE. Leonora is a witch. She has had an insidious influence on us during the past three weeks. Look what’s happened to Daphne.
C HARLIE. Daphne is more than three weeks pregnant.
A NNIE. Yes, Charlie, but Catherine only discovered it yesterday. Be fair. I’m not taking sides, I only say fair’s fair. Don’t forget my boat unaccountably capsized on the canal yesterday. Catherine is bound to suspect witchcraft. After all, Catherine isn’t a rational sober scholar like you, Charlie.
CATHERINE. There is nothing irrational in what I say. One, Leonora was apparently off her head three weeks ago. Two, now she is apparently recovered. Three, I don’t believe she could be cured in that time by natural means. Four—
ANNIE. Why are you counting on your fingers?
CHARLIE. She wants to prove that she has a scholarly mind.
CATHERINE. Four, since it is extremely unlikely that she could have recovered from a serious mental lapse within three weeks by natural means one must look for supernatural means. Hence, it is not entirely unreasonable to suppose that Leonora has been dabbling in witchcraft.
CHARLIE . Shut up.
CATHERINE. Women who practised the black arts in the Middle Ages frequently lost their senses for brief periods and made obscene suggestions.
CHARLIE. It wasn’t an obscene suggestion. Leonora only wanted to sleep with me, that’s all. A perfectly healthy and natural instinct.
CATHERINE. No, Charlie, no. She didn’t say that, she said, ‘Give me a child, I want a—’
C HARLIE. I really must get the tape out of this machine. Annie, do you know how it works?
CATHERINE. I shall ask Leonora to leave.
CHARLIE . Shut up.
A NNIE. Don’t ask me to touch machines when I’ve just got
MRS. S. You better remove the traces, Charlie, or it might reach the ears of an unseen audience. Shocking. (Goes out.)
C HARLIE (fiddling with machine) . How do you remove the tape?
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a child, I want a child.
CHARLIE switches it off.
CATHERINE. Oh, I can’t stand it. Charlie, I want Leonora to leave this house.
CHARLIE. Why?
CATHERINE. We have enough mouths to feed.
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a chi— (Switched off.)
CATHERINE. Charlie, stop it!
CHARLIE. I’m trying to remove the tape. If I hadn’t thought of it you would have let it go back to its owner with this incriminating tape inside it.
Enter ANNIE dressed ‘‘for lunch at the Ritz”.
ANNIE. I am lunching at the Ritz, if you must know.
CATHERINE. I haven’t asked you where you’re going, Annie.
ANNIE. You spoke with your eyes, Catherine. You said ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going?’
CHARLIE. Who is taking you to lunch?
A NNIE. I am taking young Charlie to lunch.
C HARLIE. Young Charlie has suddenly become the focus of flattering attention in this household. He rapes my daughter and you take him to the Ritz.
LEONORA’S VOICE. … child, I want a child.
CATHERINE. Oh stop it, Charlie!
A NNIE. My dear, men are so extremely sentimental about their virile attractions. You must realise it isn’t every day that a handsome woman like Leonora makes a suggestion of that type. Naturally, Charlie wants to play it over and over again, it’s only natural.
CATHERINE. Leonora is not as handsome as she used to be.
CHARLIE. I want to get this tape out of the machine and burn it, actually.
ANNIE. That’s what they do with our love letters, I’m convinced of it. They read them over and over again, then, in despair, they burn them. Once a man starts burning your communications to him, you may be sure he’s beside himself.
CATHERINE. Leonora is to leave this house.
ANNIE. That’s quite the wrong way to handle the situation, Catherine. In my opinion the wife should always befriend the other woman in the case.
CHARLIE. I have the impression that Leonora would like to leave us but … I think she would really like to go, but …
ANNIE. But she can’t tear herself away from you, Charlie darling.
CATHERINE. Leonora is a witch. She has had an insidious influence on us during the past three weeks. Look what’s happened to Daphne.
C HARLIE. Daphne is more than three weeks pregnant.
A NNIE. Yes, Charlie, but Catherine only discovered it yesterday. Be fair. I’m not taking sides, I only say fair’s fair. Don’t forget my boat unaccountably capsized on the canal yesterday. Catherine is bound to suspect witchcraft. After all, Catherine isn’t a rational sober scholar like you, Charlie.
CATHERINE. There is nothing irrational in what I say. One, Leonora was apparently off her head three weeks ago. Two, now she is apparently recovered. Three, I don’t believe she could be cured in that time by natural means. Four—
ANNIE. Why are you counting on your fingers?
CHARLIE. She wants to prove that she has a scholarly mind.
CATHERINE. Four, since it is extremely unlikely that she could have recovered from a serious mental lapse within three weeks by natural means one must look for supernatural means. Hence, it is not entirely unreasonable to suppose that Leonora has been dabbling in witchcraft.
CHARLIE . Shut up.
CATHERINE. Women who practised the black arts in the Middle Ages frequently lost their senses for brief periods and made obscene suggestions.
CHARLIE. It wasn’t an obscene suggestion. Leonora only wanted to sleep with me, that’s all. A perfectly healthy and natural instinct.
CATHERINE. No, Charlie, no. She didn’t say that, she said, ‘Give me a child, I want a—’
C HARLIE. I really must get the tape out of this machine. Annie, do you know how it works?
CATHERINE. I shall ask Leonora to leave.
CHARLIE . Shut up.
A NNIE. Don’t ask me to touch machines when I’ve just got
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