Read Online Doctors of Philosophy by Muriel Spark - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Muriel Spark
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wet to night, Leonora.
CURTAIN
E ND OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
SCENE I
T HE SAME ROOM.
CHARLIE. She’ll have to leave home immediately.
CATHERINE. Charlie, how can I think of the practical side of things if you only talk?
CHARLIE. It’s my duty to talk. I can’t afford to feed another mouth. The house is full of mouths to feed. She’ll have to leave immediately.
CATHERINE. The baby will not be born immediately.
CHARLIE. Well, she’ll soon be eating for two.
CATHERINE. She’s eating cucumber salad almost exclusively.
CHARLIE. I can’t afford to provide special diets.
CATHERINE. Take a drink if you can’t face the facts.
CHARLIE. I can’t afford a drink. I’ve wasted a fortune on the girl’s education and she’s gone and spent it on fornication and cucumbers. She’ll have to pack her bags and—
CATHERINE. She’s got nowhere to go. Shut up, Charlie.
CHARLIE (pouring himself a drink) . She’ll have to go to a home for fallen women. I’m not going to have any infants in this house at my age. Nappies on the line. I’ve had quite enough of your relations, Catherine, and I don’t want any more in the house.
CATHERINE. She’s arranging to get married as soon as possible, she says. In fact that’s all I could get out of her.
C HARLIE. She can’t have a wedding out of my pocket, if that’s what she means. If she wants a wedding, let him pay for the wedding.
CATHERINE. You didn’t pay for our wedding.
C HARLIE. I wasn’t to blame for our wedding. He’s got himself to blame for his. Sorry — my salary doesn’t run to champagne. They’d better get married quietly. Hush it up. (Pours himself another drink.) And I paid for our honeymoon, don’t forget that. I was well out of pocket over the honeymoon.
CATHERINE. Could you afford to give me a gin and lime?
C HARLIE. It’s a bit early to start. (Pours gin and lime for CATHERINE.) Do you mean to tell me she actually wants to marry that fellow?
CATHERINE. Well, she’ll have to.
C HARLIE. What do you mean, ‘she’ll have to’. You can’t force an innocent young girl to marry a man not of her own choice just because she was taken in by his clever slick talk. I know that sort of swine, I’ve seen them at work, my dear woman, believe it or not.
CATHERINE. She could have an operation.
C HARLIE. If she has any illegal operations, out of my house she goes. It might kill her. I can’t afford to have police enquiries. Out she goes with her abortions and expensive funerals. If you would only keep calm about this, Catherine, you wouldn’t panic. You wouldn’t be advocating suicidal solutions like abortions and marriage. After all, she’s your daughter.
CATHERINE. I advocate nothing. It’s her business. I think she’s very fortunate in the circumstances. Very lucky indeed.
Enter MRS. S. with tray of coffee. C HARLIE. Poor Daphne.
CATHERINE. I say poor Charlie, I’m rather sorry for poor young Charlie.
MRS. S. ‘Phone message for Daphne. They want the machine back.
C HARLIE. Sorry for him? Sorry for him? M RS. S. It’s gone from the broom cupboard again. Walked.
CATHERINE. It’s over there by the window. Yes, I’m sorry for him.
M RS. S. (picks up tape recorder). Hope it isn’t too heavy for her to carry. (Moves it up and down.)
C HARLIE. I’ve never heard of anything so unnatural. You are sorry for your daughter’s seducer.
M RS. S. (sets tape recorder on table). Drink your coffee. Fancy starting on the bottle before eleven just because Daphne’s failed in her Ph.D. How does it work?
C HARLIE. She may still take her degree.
CATHERINE. Oh no, Charlie. Oh no, Charlie. Mrs. S., I wouldn’t play about with it in case it breaks.
C HARLIE. Oh yes, Catherine. Arrangements could be made for her to continue her studies. Mrs. S., if you break it, I can’t afford
MRS. S . switches on machine.
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a child, I want a child.
CHARLIE. Turn it off.
CHARLIE’S VOICE. Leonora—
M RS. S. switches it
CURTAIN
E ND OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
SCENE I
T HE SAME ROOM.
CHARLIE. She’ll have to leave home immediately.
CATHERINE. Charlie, how can I think of the practical side of things if you only talk?
CHARLIE. It’s my duty to talk. I can’t afford to feed another mouth. The house is full of mouths to feed. She’ll have to leave immediately.
CATHERINE. The baby will not be born immediately.
CHARLIE. Well, she’ll soon be eating for two.
CATHERINE. She’s eating cucumber salad almost exclusively.
CHARLIE. I can’t afford to provide special diets.
CATHERINE. Take a drink if you can’t face the facts.
CHARLIE. I can’t afford a drink. I’ve wasted a fortune on the girl’s education and she’s gone and spent it on fornication and cucumbers. She’ll have to pack her bags and—
CATHERINE. She’s got nowhere to go. Shut up, Charlie.
CHARLIE (pouring himself a drink) . She’ll have to go to a home for fallen women. I’m not going to have any infants in this house at my age. Nappies on the line. I’ve had quite enough of your relations, Catherine, and I don’t want any more in the house.
CATHERINE. She’s arranging to get married as soon as possible, she says. In fact that’s all I could get out of her.
C HARLIE. She can’t have a wedding out of my pocket, if that’s what she means. If she wants a wedding, let him pay for the wedding.
CATHERINE. You didn’t pay for our wedding.
C HARLIE. I wasn’t to blame for our wedding. He’s got himself to blame for his. Sorry — my salary doesn’t run to champagne. They’d better get married quietly. Hush it up. (Pours himself another drink.) And I paid for our honeymoon, don’t forget that. I was well out of pocket over the honeymoon.
CATHERINE. Could you afford to give me a gin and lime?
C HARLIE. It’s a bit early to start. (Pours gin and lime for CATHERINE.) Do you mean to tell me she actually wants to marry that fellow?
CATHERINE. Well, she’ll have to.
C HARLIE. What do you mean, ‘she’ll have to’. You can’t force an innocent young girl to marry a man not of her own choice just because she was taken in by his clever slick talk. I know that sort of swine, I’ve seen them at work, my dear woman, believe it or not.
CATHERINE. She could have an operation.
C HARLIE. If she has any illegal operations, out of my house she goes. It might kill her. I can’t afford to have police enquiries. Out she goes with her abortions and expensive funerals. If you would only keep calm about this, Catherine, you wouldn’t panic. You wouldn’t be advocating suicidal solutions like abortions and marriage. After all, she’s your daughter.
CATHERINE. I advocate nothing. It’s her business. I think she’s very fortunate in the circumstances. Very lucky indeed.
Enter MRS. S. with tray of coffee. C HARLIE. Poor Daphne.
CATHERINE. I say poor Charlie, I’m rather sorry for poor young Charlie.
MRS. S. ‘Phone message for Daphne. They want the machine back.
C HARLIE. Sorry for him? Sorry for him? M RS. S. It’s gone from the broom cupboard again. Walked.
CATHERINE. It’s over there by the window. Yes, I’m sorry for him.
M RS. S. (picks up tape recorder). Hope it isn’t too heavy for her to carry. (Moves it up and down.)
C HARLIE. I’ve never heard of anything so unnatural. You are sorry for your daughter’s seducer.
M RS. S. (sets tape recorder on table). Drink your coffee. Fancy starting on the bottle before eleven just because Daphne’s failed in her Ph.D. How does it work?
C HARLIE. She may still take her degree.
CATHERINE. Oh no, Charlie. Oh no, Charlie. Mrs. S., I wouldn’t play about with it in case it breaks.
C HARLIE. Oh yes, Catherine. Arrangements could be made for her to continue her studies. Mrs. S., if you break it, I can’t afford
MRS. S . switches on machine.
LEONORA’S VOICE. Charlie, give me a child, I want a child.
CHARLIE. Turn it off.
CHARLIE’S VOICE. Leonora—
M RS. S. switches it
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