Doctors of Philosophy

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Authors: Muriel Spark
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they are all discussing Leonora and her future prospects, a small group of people has gathered down there on the bank of the canal. They have pulled in a body from the water and are attempting to revive it. They are unsuccessful. One of the group recognises the body and points to this house. It is carried up the steps and laid at the feet of Catherine, Charlie and Daphne, who are still discussing what to do about Leonora. — It is then that they stop discussing Leonora and her future.
    ANNIE. It’s thrilling! It makes me run hot and cold. But I wouldn’t stage that one if I were you, Leonora, because you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I mean, what’s the use of having a dramatic sense if you go and get drowned just before the climax?
    LEONORA. I’ve thought of that.
    ANNIE. But it’s a brilliant idea to stage your climax out here on the terrace. It’s a perfect setting, and you needn’t get wet if it rains. Stick to bricks and mortar, Leonora, they are much safer than the canal.
    LEONORA. Are they?
    ANNIE. Oh, much.
    LEONORA. Look. (Takes hold of a tall pillar. It moves.) It doesn’t look very safe to me.
    ANNIE. Leonora, what are you doing?
    L EONORA (shaking the terrace wall). It blows all your theories to hell, doesn’t it?
    A NNIE. It’s thrilling! It gives me a horrible feeling. Do it again, Leonora.
    L EONORA (shaking pillar). I blow all your theories to hell and you tell me it’s thrilling.
    A NNIE. I think it’s a brilliant discovery of yours, Leonora.
    L EONORA. Some people have known it all their lives. The scenery is unreliable, Annie. Some people know that by instinct, they take it for granted.
Enter MRS. S.
    M RS. S. Annie there? The boat’s ready, Charlie says. He’ll give you a shove off.
    A NNIE. I’m coming right away.
    MRS. S . Daphne’s expecting. Craving for cucumbers. Vomiting 6 a.m.
Puts straight a bit of the set which LEONORA has displaced.
    ANNIE. Do they know?
    MRS. S . Certainly not. They are deep thinkers, my dear, not common detectives. Doctors of philosophy, not medicine. Must a happened at Oxford.
Fade and lights up on terrace at dusk. CATHERINE, DAPHNE, CHARLIE, wko sit squarely facing the audience.
    D APHNE. I don’t see why she can’t be forced to go to a psychiatrist.
    C HARLIE. An audience, she says, eyes upon her. The next thing, she’ll be saying we’re on the stage.
    D APHNE. I mean, if one needed to consult an ordinary doctor, one would be obliged to consult an ordinary doctor. I don’t see why Leonora should get away with it just because her trouble is mental.
    CATHERINE. I think a nursing home would be the all-round answer, Daphne.
    D APHNE. What did you say?
    CATHERINE. Somewhere peaceful with a private room. Leonora needs a rest.
    CHARLIE. There’s something going on down on the bank. See the crowd. Someone’s fallen in the water. (Stands up to look.)
DAPHNE and CATHERINE stand up to look.
    CATHERINE. Go and see who it is, Charlie.
    D APHNE. Oh. I feel sick.
LEONORA appears from the French windows behind them.
    LEONORA. What’s going on down there?
    CATHERINE Oh!
    D APHNE Oh! Leonora. I wish you wouldn’t creep up behind people.
    L EONORA. There’s been something going on down on the canal for the past five minutes. I saw it from my window. I think someone must have fallen in. I’m going down. (She runs down the steps towards the canal.)
    CATHERINE. One isn’t much use in a crowd, or I’d—
    C HARLIE. There’s a chap carrying somebody.
    CATHERINE. He’s coming over here. Look!
CHARLIE goes down the steps.
    Enter CHARLIE BROWN, dripping wet, carrying ANNIE, dripping wet, followed by LEONORA and CHARLIE.
    A NNIE. My boat capsized. I was rescued by Charlie Brown. Isn’t he a hero? He just dived in and fished me out. What a crowd I drew! It’s just as well I was suitably dressed.
CHARLIE BROWN sets her down.
    CATHERINE. Come and get dry immediately, Annie.
    C HARLIE. Come indoors, both of you. I can’t afford a scandal.
    A NNIE. The water’s extremely

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