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Authors: Bob Servant
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Alexandra
Subject: A rollercoaster of a day
Alex,
An unforgettable day. I went along to Stewpotâs first thing and told all the boys I was off to pick up an ostrich for my Russian girlfriend and they were giving it, âOh aye, your Russian girlfriend Bob, is that the one thatâs going to work here?â and I was saying âYeah, thatâs her, Alexandraâ and they all started laughing.
So it was a good atmosphere and then they started saying that Russian men can drink a bottle of vodka straight and if I couldnât do that then you would leave me. Well, I wasnât going to risk that so I told Terry to line me up his best bottle and a couple of cheese sandwiches.
Now, Iâm a drinker Alex, Iâve never hidden that from you but I have two Achilles heels. The first is strong women and the second is vodka. They just donât agree with me and after an hour or so it all got a bit blurry. Then suddenly I was alert again but someone had stolen one of my sandwiches so I went round the pub asking who had my sandwich but people just kept laughing.
Then Terry told me to look in the mirror behind the bar and I saw that the sandwich was stuck to my forehead. I must have fallen asleep onto it or something. So I took the sandwich off and left Stewpotâs in the huff and went to catch the bus to Carnoustie.
It was quite hard because my legs werenât working properly but I got on the bus OK and then gave everyone a laugh with some animal jokes and a bit of a sing.
I got off the bus fine though I did fall into a hedge. When I found Champion he was in great form. I didnât have a lead so I took off my jumper and stuck it over his head and used a sleeve to lead him out back to the bus stop. I was feeding him some pork scratchings when the farmer appeared and went absolutely berserk.
He was saying stuff like, âwhat the fuck do you think youâre playing at?â âget that fucking jumper off itâs headâ and âyouâre a fucking basket case and Iâm going to call the policeâ.
I kept my dignity and ignored him and he went off to get the police, but then the bus came. The driver must have been texting his mate or something because he actually stopped and I had Champion halfway on before he even noticed. He got scared and said there was no way I could bring an ostrich on the bus and I said to just charge him half fare but then the other people on the bus started getting involved (even though it was none of their business) and were all screaming and stuff.
Of course, that set Champion off who went totally bananas, lashing out with his feet and pecking away. He lifted a womanâs bunnet clean off and caught a man with a moustache an absolute beauty on the side of the head. âThatâs one peck on the cheek you didnât ask for!â I said, to lighten the mood but the guy didnât get it, he just rolled about holding his head and swearing at me.
Then the police turned up and so I went to have a wee chat with them but tripped and went into another hedge. I donât remember much after that, just the police standing about and then Champion being led off by the farmer. I shouted âSee you later Champion, you can keep the jumperâ but he didnât reply.
The policemen brought me home and said I might get done for cruelty and fined, so I might need that money that I was going to use for your visa. Iâm sorry about Champion but, to be honest, I donât think itâs safe to have a family pet that could go off the handle like that.
And, anyway, all is not lost! I went to Doc Ferryâs bar to have a think about things and bumped into Chappy Williams. I told him what happened and he said he had something in the car I could have. He went off and came back with a bloody dog! I couldnât believe it. Chappy had really red cheeks and was out of breath but seemed to find everything very funny. I asked what it was called and he
Subject: A rollercoaster of a day
Alex,
An unforgettable day. I went along to Stewpotâs first thing and told all the boys I was off to pick up an ostrich for my Russian girlfriend and they were giving it, âOh aye, your Russian girlfriend Bob, is that the one thatâs going to work here?â and I was saying âYeah, thatâs her, Alexandraâ and they all started laughing.
So it was a good atmosphere and then they started saying that Russian men can drink a bottle of vodka straight and if I couldnât do that then you would leave me. Well, I wasnât going to risk that so I told Terry to line me up his best bottle and a couple of cheese sandwiches.
Now, Iâm a drinker Alex, Iâve never hidden that from you but I have two Achilles heels. The first is strong women and the second is vodka. They just donât agree with me and after an hour or so it all got a bit blurry. Then suddenly I was alert again but someone had stolen one of my sandwiches so I went round the pub asking who had my sandwich but people just kept laughing.
Then Terry told me to look in the mirror behind the bar and I saw that the sandwich was stuck to my forehead. I must have fallen asleep onto it or something. So I took the sandwich off and left Stewpotâs in the huff and went to catch the bus to Carnoustie.
It was quite hard because my legs werenât working properly but I got on the bus OK and then gave everyone a laugh with some animal jokes and a bit of a sing.
I got off the bus fine though I did fall into a hedge. When I found Champion he was in great form. I didnât have a lead so I took off my jumper and stuck it over his head and used a sleeve to lead him out back to the bus stop. I was feeding him some pork scratchings when the farmer appeared and went absolutely berserk.
He was saying stuff like, âwhat the fuck do you think youâre playing at?â âget that fucking jumper off itâs headâ and âyouâre a fucking basket case and Iâm going to call the policeâ.
I kept my dignity and ignored him and he went off to get the police, but then the bus came. The driver must have been texting his mate or something because he actually stopped and I had Champion halfway on before he even noticed. He got scared and said there was no way I could bring an ostrich on the bus and I said to just charge him half fare but then the other people on the bus started getting involved (even though it was none of their business) and were all screaming and stuff.
Of course, that set Champion off who went totally bananas, lashing out with his feet and pecking away. He lifted a womanâs bunnet clean off and caught a man with a moustache an absolute beauty on the side of the head. âThatâs one peck on the cheek you didnât ask for!â I said, to lighten the mood but the guy didnât get it, he just rolled about holding his head and swearing at me.
Then the police turned up and so I went to have a wee chat with them but tripped and went into another hedge. I donât remember much after that, just the police standing about and then Champion being led off by the farmer. I shouted âSee you later Champion, you can keep the jumperâ but he didnât reply.
The policemen brought me home and said I might get done for cruelty and fined, so I might need that money that I was going to use for your visa. Iâm sorry about Champion but, to be honest, I donât think itâs safe to have a family pet that could go off the handle like that.
And, anyway, all is not lost! I went to Doc Ferryâs bar to have a think about things and bumped into Chappy Williams. I told him what happened and he said he had something in the car I could have. He went off and came back with a bloody dog! I couldnât believe it. Chappy had really red cheeks and was out of breath but seemed to find everything very funny. I asked what it was called and he
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