he fucked me. I didn’t really care. I was high. If you don’t fight him he won’t hurt you. I just let him have it. He was over and done and gone quick enough.
Bob ’s an ass but it’s just sex. It’s not like it means anything, or that I love him. I hate him actually. I wish he were dead. But sometimes I wish I was dead too.
He gave us a six pack and some weed when he was done. Jess and I just sat around and made fun of him after he left. Fuck him… right? We’re better than that. Yeah, life is good. Good beer, good buzz, good friends… sweet!
Nov
I know it’s November… but I forget the day, sorry. Hey it’s getting pretty heavy here. Mom is freaking out at me all the time. I sneak out when I can. I hate to come home cause all she does is bitch at me. Okay so maybe I fucked up my life. It’s my damn life, leave me alone. Fuck them… they don’t know me. I’m not their little baby anymore. Leave me the hell alone.
Mom and Larry got into a big fight tonight. I heard Larry yelling at mom, “You need to get her under control.”
Mom yelled back, “She’s not your kid. Mind your own damn business.” She shoved him and he got really mad.
He grabbed her and slammed her head against the wall. I ran in and screamed at him to stop. He smacked me with the back of his hand across my face. He pointed at me and yelled, “This is all your fault. I hope you’re happy.”
I slid down onto the ground crying and holding my throbbing face. I watched him grab his things and storm out the door.
I didn ’t know what to do. Mom cried for a long time. She hugged me. “I’m sorry, baby. I love you, but I can’t go through this again.”
I didn ’t understand what she meant.
She looked me deep in the eye and said , “I think you’re old enough to know the truth. Your real dad used to hit me… a lot. He liked to beat the shit out of me. Almost killed me a couple of times. He’s in prison because of it.”
I never knew any of this. What was the big secret? Why did she think that she couldn ’t tell me this? It would explain why my dad never comes to see me!
I yelled at her, “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”
She crie d until she had mascara running down her face. She looked like such a mess. Why the hell was she my mom? Why did she lie to me? I don’t feel like I can trust her anymore. What else has she lied to me about? Everyone lies to everyone. Everyone hurts everyone. What the fuck???
I gotta go cut… I gotta get them out of my head. FUCK THEM ALL!!!!
Dec
Christmas is coming and guess what... I think I’m pregnant. I don’t know when I had my last period. What a Christmas present!
Jess said that sometimes you don ’t have periods when you are high a lot like we are. I thought that was it, but my stomach’s starting to pooch out a little. I know that something’s wrong. I went and got one of those tests and it said that I am. Preggers… gonna be a mama… yeah right. That ain’t gonna happen. No way in hell!!!!!!
I don ’t even know whose it is. Dylan? Ben? The needle dick with the pillz? Or it could even be Bob or his asshole friends? I don’t care, I just want it gone. I want it out of me… before my mom finds out. Oh God, what have I done. My life is such a mess. I want to get myself straightened out. I want to go to college. I don’t want to be a stoner all the time, fucking people for pillz. I want my life back.
I don ’t want to end up like my mom, or Bob. I want to go far away from here and start my life over. I want to care about people again. I want to care about myself again. I want to laugh and smile and feel like I have something to live for. I miss me.
That sounds so strange, but I do n’t even know who I am anymore. I miss me. I want to find me again. I know that I’m still in here somewhere, hidden under the pain and the dope and the bullshit.
I gotta get myself cleaned up. But what do I do about this kid? I gotta get rid of it. Even i
Bob ’s an ass but it’s just sex. It’s not like it means anything, or that I love him. I hate him actually. I wish he were dead. But sometimes I wish I was dead too.
He gave us a six pack and some weed when he was done. Jess and I just sat around and made fun of him after he left. Fuck him… right? We’re better than that. Yeah, life is good. Good beer, good buzz, good friends… sweet!
Nov
I know it’s November… but I forget the day, sorry. Hey it’s getting pretty heavy here. Mom is freaking out at me all the time. I sneak out when I can. I hate to come home cause all she does is bitch at me. Okay so maybe I fucked up my life. It’s my damn life, leave me alone. Fuck them… they don’t know me. I’m not their little baby anymore. Leave me the hell alone.
Mom and Larry got into a big fight tonight. I heard Larry yelling at mom, “You need to get her under control.”
Mom yelled back, “She’s not your kid. Mind your own damn business.” She shoved him and he got really mad.
He grabbed her and slammed her head against the wall. I ran in and screamed at him to stop. He smacked me with the back of his hand across my face. He pointed at me and yelled, “This is all your fault. I hope you’re happy.”
I slid down onto the ground crying and holding my throbbing face. I watched him grab his things and storm out the door.
I didn ’t know what to do. Mom cried for a long time. She hugged me. “I’m sorry, baby. I love you, but I can’t go through this again.”
I didn ’t understand what she meant.
She looked me deep in the eye and said , “I think you’re old enough to know the truth. Your real dad used to hit me… a lot. He liked to beat the shit out of me. Almost killed me a couple of times. He’s in prison because of it.”
I never knew any of this. What was the big secret? Why did she think that she couldn ’t tell me this? It would explain why my dad never comes to see me!
I yelled at her, “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”
She crie d until she had mascara running down her face. She looked like such a mess. Why the hell was she my mom? Why did she lie to me? I don’t feel like I can trust her anymore. What else has she lied to me about? Everyone lies to everyone. Everyone hurts everyone. What the fuck???
I gotta go cut… I gotta get them out of my head. FUCK THEM ALL!!!!
Dec
Christmas is coming and guess what... I think I’m pregnant. I don’t know when I had my last period. What a Christmas present!
Jess said that sometimes you don ’t have periods when you are high a lot like we are. I thought that was it, but my stomach’s starting to pooch out a little. I know that something’s wrong. I went and got one of those tests and it said that I am. Preggers… gonna be a mama… yeah right. That ain’t gonna happen. No way in hell!!!!!!
I don ’t even know whose it is. Dylan? Ben? The needle dick with the pillz? Or it could even be Bob or his asshole friends? I don’t care, I just want it gone. I want it out of me… before my mom finds out. Oh God, what have I done. My life is such a mess. I want to get myself straightened out. I want to go to college. I don’t want to be a stoner all the time, fucking people for pillz. I want my life back.
I don ’t want to end up like my mom, or Bob. I want to go far away from here and start my life over. I want to care about people again. I want to care about myself again. I want to laugh and smile and feel like I have something to live for. I miss me.
That sounds so strange, but I do n’t even know who I am anymore. I miss me. I want to find me again. I know that I’m still in here somewhere, hidden under the pain and the dope and the bullshit.
I gotta get myself cleaned up. But what do I do about this kid? I gotta get rid of it. Even i
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