Read Online Candi by Jenna Spencer - Free Book Online

without a pill. I wake up and feel their hands all over me and taste them in my mouth. I can’t handle it. I cut myself every day now. It’s all I have to release the pain I feel inside. I don’t know what else to do.
    It ’s like all the pain and pressure builds up inside of me and when I cut it releases. I can breathe again. I can relax. But then it just builds up again, waiting to be let out. If I don’t let it out, I think I might explode or something.
    I don ’t have to cut as much if I have my happy pillz. But without them… I just gotta get it out. The pillz numb the pain or something and help it go away so that I don’t have to cut. I need some pillz bad.
     
    Hey, I just put my pants in the wash. I found a hundred bucks in the pocket. I remembered that guy shoving money in my mouth. I must have put it in my pants. I forgot about it. A HUNDRED FEAKING BUCKS!!!! This is awesome, now I can get some more pillz.
    Halleluiah… I’m outta here…
     
     
    Sept 25
    Jess got me enough pillz to last me quite a while. Whenever the thoughts and memories start creeping back into my head, I just take a pretty little pill and poof, away they go. I still can’t sleep very good at night. I find myself sleeping in class a lot. My stupid ass teachers are yelling at me and giving me detentions. I don’t really care. I could give a shit about biology or algebra. I will never use this shit in my life…. Who the fuck cares????? They can all go to hell.
    I cut myself pretty deep today. The pain felt really good but I couldn ’t get it to stop bleeding. There was no way in hell I was gonna get my mom to help me. She would freak the hell out!               Mom and Larry seem to fight all the time anymore. I just try to stay away from them. Mom looks sad. She used to be pretty happy. I think she’s worried about me, but she just needs to mind her own business and let me live my own life. I’m fine.
    It quit bleeding eventually. I put one of those butterfly bandage s on it and that helped. I probably need a couple of stitches. I just don’t give a flying fuck. I’m going to Dylans. I need some weed.
    I can ’t stand being in this house. All the stares. All the questions. All the fucking chit chat. Shut the fuck up people. Can’t I just live in peace. I wear my headphones all the time when I’m at home and play my music really loud. I act like I don’t hear them talking to me. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it just makes them mad at me. I can never win with these people. They just don’t get it. I just want them to leave me alone.
                 
     
    Sept 29
    All that Dylan, Jess and I do anymore is get high. Ever since that night. We’re all kinda different. If Jess passes out, sometimes Dylan and me fuck. He’s pretty good. Jess doesn’t even get mad if she wakes up and catches us, she just joins in. We are like our own little threesome couple.
    I don ’t even really think about Ben much anymore. He is with Becca. I see them sometimes at school. All giggly and flirty. I could give a rat’s ass. Becca is a cheerleader, so Ben is trying to fit in with her crowd. He is so fucking preppy and fake now. I don’t even want him anymore. What did I see in him in the first place?
    School sucks. I ’m flunking everything. So far my parents haven’t seen a report card. I’ve intercepted them and hidden them away. I’ve always gotten good grades so they’ve never really monitored me much. I’m not sure what they’ll do when they find out. Yeah, I’ll be up shit creek for sure. But fuck em… I just don’t care. Tomorrow Dylan, Jess and me are gonna skip school. We’re going to the city for the day. It will be awesome.
     
     
    Sept 30
    The city was so much fun. We finished off our pillz and walked around looking at the skyscrapers. I love the city. Everything moves so fast there. The people are all on a mission. And everyone fits in. No one looks at you strange if you look or act different.