since Charlie had initiated me into the Mailbox Club. He still ignored me at school. Iâd gone back to calling Dad, not every night, but weird times, when I figured he wouldnât expect it. I still hated Gate, hated living with Mom.
Now, Mom held out the paper. I saw it was a telephone bill. I looked away.
âYouâve been calling your father,â she said evenly.
I didnât answer.
She tried again. âTwenty-two calls, Paul. Twenty-two one-minute calls to his answering machine. And he hasnât called back.â
âHow do you know he hasnât?â
âI know, sweetheart.â
I didnât need her sympathy, didnât want it. Something inside made me yell, âYou donât know anything. Heâs called a bunch of times, but late at night. We talk all the time.â
âPaulâ¦â
âJust because you couldnât hold on to him doesnât mean he left me . It doesnât meanâ¦â
I saw her restrain herself from reaching for me. âIt shouldnât mean that, honey. But it does. It isnât your fault.â
âOf course itâs not. Itâs your fault. Your fault. You drove him away. He couldnât stand it anymore. He couldnât stand you anymore. And you fucked me up so bad he couldnât stand me either.â
âDonât use such language.â
But the word felt good, liberating. So, I repeated it. âFuck.â Then, again. And again. Because it made me someone else, someone normal and happy, someone who used words like that, like St. John. I repeated it, over and over until she walked away, wounded. Then, I was glad. And still, I kept repeating it, because that word was the only thing that kept me from crying.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The knock didnât startle me this time.
âGive me a second,â I told Meat. I put on jeans, a T-shirt. Iâd laid them aside, just in case.
The ride was as wild as the first time, and I was as drunkâthis time on something called Piesporter that Charlieâs parents had brought from Germany. I think it was wine. I climbed into St. Johnâs backseat after our tenth mailbox, feeling the alcohol seep through my system. Charlie said, âIâm hungry, St. John.â
St. John put down his window and spat into the cooling night. âEverythingâs closed, Charlie. Itâs four A.M. â
âI know that,â Charlie said. He hadnât been drinking, so he sounded reasonable.
âSo whatâ?â
âTurn here.â Charlie pointed to a street weâd nearly passed. St. John veered left with a string of obscenities. A few blocks later, Charlie instructed another turn, then another into a strip-mall parking lot.
It was deserted. Abandoned cars loomed like crouching criminals. St. John glanced at Charlie but said nothing. He passed a consignment store window filled with battered strollers, a Chinese restaurant. We reached the 7-Eleven.
âSee? Closed.â
âMove along.â Charlie flicked his hand as if brushing a speck of dust. St. John rolled forward. At the end of the line, there was a bagel place, its pink neon sign announcing B GELS. Charlie held up a hand. âHere.â
âBut itâsââ
âI know itâs closed.â Charlieâs voice was patience personified. âThat doesnât mean we canât eat here.â He gestured toward the pink-lit doorway. âSee?â
I made out two images. At first, I thought they were homeless people, which Miami had plenty of. I looked closer. They were sacks filled with bagels.
âThey drop them off, each morning, early,â Charlie said. âThey trust people to stay away out of the goodness of their hearts.â Charlie looked at Meat and me for the first time. âTake them.â
I started. Seemed like wine made you drunk a different way than ouzo. Drowsy, dreamy, mind barely recognizing the bodyâs actions. Beside me, Meat
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