Read Online Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien - Free Book Online
Authors: Cory O'Brien
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cock.
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effect
of finally releasing that evil wolf bastard Fenrir
and his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and there’s gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because the Midgard serpent, who holds up the world
(and is also another one of Loki’s horrible children)
is going to start having seizures all over the ocean
on its way to fuck up the land.
And not only that
but he’s going to breathe poison all over everything constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land.
And all the waves caused by the serpent
are gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants who are ready to romp and stomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party?
FIRE GIANTS.
What are fire giants you ask?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up at this EXACT MOMENT
led by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING.
So this is when Heimdall is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT is finally about to get REAL
and Odin and all the other gods
and all the elves, dwarves, demons and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces in the following order:
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and Fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then Odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like “NOOOO.”
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar is the god of revenge
not that he has anything to really be vengeful about because Odin is EVERYONE’S dad.
Meanwhile, Thor is gonna fight the Midgard serpent
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison is gonna kill HIM.
And Surt is just gonna pick the weakest-looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is a tremendous pussy
who actually FORGOT TO BRING A SWORD TO THE APOCALYPSE.
Then Tyr is gonna look around like “Shit I need to kill someone to prove I’m a badass.
How about this terrible wolf, GARM?!”
and he kills it, despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him. Boo.
Also, Heimdall kills Loki, FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall, so that will suck.
And on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire in every direction
burning everything
so it won’t even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick who will just be sleeping in the indestructible forest.
Wait, there’s an INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST??
Why doesn’t everyone just evacuate there?
That would seriously minimize some casualties.
Anyway, when it’s all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever.
So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get going
but the SMART get inside the invincible forest.
EGYPTIAN
You might not guess from their tame 2-D cave paintings
but the ancient Egyptians liked to tell some seriously messed-up myths
they’ve got all the essentials:
booze, blood, and jerkin’ it
(if you thought that the essentials were food, water, and shelter
then you, my friend have been reading the wrong myths)
and if any mortals actually managed to survive the constant barrage of nonsense from above
Egyptian lore says you had to get your soul weighed against a FUCKING FEATHER
by a pitiless demon with a dog for a head
and if your
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effect
of finally releasing that evil wolf bastard Fenrir
and his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and there’s gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because the Midgard serpent, who holds up the world
(and is also another one of Loki’s horrible children)
is going to start having seizures all over the ocean
on its way to fuck up the land.
And not only that
but he’s going to breathe poison all over everything constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land.
And all the waves caused by the serpent
are gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants who are ready to romp and stomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party?
FIRE GIANTS.
What are fire giants you ask?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up at this EXACT MOMENT
led by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING.
So this is when Heimdall is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT is finally about to get REAL
and Odin and all the other gods
and all the elves, dwarves, demons and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces in the following order:
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and Fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then Odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like “NOOOO.”
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar is the god of revenge
not that he has anything to really be vengeful about because Odin is EVERYONE’S dad.
Meanwhile, Thor is gonna fight the Midgard serpent
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison is gonna kill HIM.
And Surt is just gonna pick the weakest-looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is a tremendous pussy
who actually FORGOT TO BRING A SWORD TO THE APOCALYPSE.
Then Tyr is gonna look around like “Shit I need to kill someone to prove I’m a badass.
How about this terrible wolf, GARM?!”
and he kills it, despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him. Boo.
Also, Heimdall kills Loki, FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall, so that will suck.
And on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire in every direction
burning everything
so it won’t even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick who will just be sleeping in the indestructible forest.
Wait, there’s an INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST??
Why doesn’t everyone just evacuate there?
That would seriously minimize some casualties.
Anyway, when it’s all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever.
So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get going
but the SMART get inside the invincible forest.
EGYPTIAN
You might not guess from their tame 2-D cave paintings
but the ancient Egyptians liked to tell some seriously messed-up myths
they’ve got all the essentials:
booze, blood, and jerkin’ it
(if you thought that the essentials were food, water, and shelter
then you, my friend have been reading the wrong myths)
and if any mortals actually managed to survive the constant barrage of nonsense from above
Egyptian lore says you had to get your soul weighed against a FUCKING FEATHER
by a pitiless demon with a dog for a head
and if your
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