Read Online Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Cory O'Brien
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doesn’t turn it into babies.
R A AND S EKHMET , OR : H OW B EER S AVED THE U NIVERSE
So Ra creates the world.
Sure, great
but just because you create the world
doesn’t mean you get to just be king of it forever.
I mean you get to be king of it for a
while
(like for example what Ra does
is as soon as he’s done creating everything
he turns into a dude and becomes king of Egypt)
but the problem with dudes is that they get old
and the problem with old dudes is that they are constantly getting guff
from ALL DIRECTIONS
and the problem with being a god
is that you are constitutionally incapable of taking ANY GUFF WHATSOEVER
so naturally
when everybody starts laughing at Ra’s old hair and senility
he gets
real
pissed
and when you are a god
and you are real pissed
there is only one solution, my friends:
GENOCIDE.
So basically what Ra does
is he turns around and gives Egypt the world’s DEADLIEST STINKEYE
this eye is so stinky
it produces an entire brand new goddess
the goddess is named Sekhmet
and she is basically like a lioness
with
chainsaws for legs
SEKHMET:
THE ORIGINAL THUNDERCAT.
Sekhmet’s job is simple:
KILL.
EVERYONE.
So that is what she does.
She just tears all around everywhere
mauling the ever-loving crap out of people until the ground is like
permanent red
which is disconcertingly tacky.
Eventually Ra wakes up from his old-man sleep
and he’s like “WHOA
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO?
Damn, I feel kinda bad now.”
Gods are always doing things like this if you haven’t noticed.
But the problem is that by now Sekhmet is an unstoppable murder engine.
But the good news
is that there is ONE THING
with the power to stop an unstoppable murder engine
and that thing
is BOOZE.
So what Ra does
is he gathers up all this really good beer
and all this really good red food coloring
and he mixes it all together
and he dumps it all over the fields that Sekhmet has scheduled for murdering the next day
so that when she shows up
she just sees a big lake of what she can only assume is blood
blood that smells like booze
so, like
the blood of really drunk people?
and she’s like “ALL RIGHT
LOOKS LIKE MURDERING IS DONE EARLY TODAY
TIME FOR MY SECOND FAVORITE PASTIME:
DEVOURING THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT.”
So Sekhmet just dives right in and starts slurping the boozeblood
which is such good shit that everybody calls it “THE SLEEPMAKER”
and because of that she ends up passing out pretty quick
and she wakes up all hung over
and Ra is like “HaHAAAA
from now on you will be known as Hathor
and the only thing you will kill people with
is KINDNESS.”
And basically whatever Ra says just immediately happens
so that’s who Sekhmet becomes from then on.
So obviously the moral of the story
is that the best way to deal with a rampaging psychopath
is to get them really, really drunk.
I SIS H AS B AD T ASTE IN J EWELRY
So time passes, and now Osiris is the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit, with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse.
But meanwhile there’s this dick Set.
That is his name
Set.
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
such as you might purchase for an adult tea party.
I am talking about the Egyptian god of the desert
and also storms, darkness, and chaos.
Basically if you are not having a good time
Set is right there, flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
Or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY.
What I mean is, Set’s a dick.
The reason I mention Set
is that he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailor-made for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like “HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”
And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird coffin party.
We’ll be right over.”
So they all get there and Set is like “All
R A AND S EKHMET , OR : H OW B EER S AVED THE U NIVERSE
So Ra creates the world.
Sure, great
but just because you create the world
doesn’t mean you get to just be king of it forever.
I mean you get to be king of it for a
while
(like for example what Ra does
is as soon as he’s done creating everything
he turns into a dude and becomes king of Egypt)
but the problem with dudes is that they get old
and the problem with old dudes is that they are constantly getting guff
from ALL DIRECTIONS
and the problem with being a god
is that you are constitutionally incapable of taking ANY GUFF WHATSOEVER
so naturally
when everybody starts laughing at Ra’s old hair and senility
he gets
real
pissed
and when you are a god
and you are real pissed
there is only one solution, my friends:
GENOCIDE.
So basically what Ra does
is he turns around and gives Egypt the world’s DEADLIEST STINKEYE
this eye is so stinky
it produces an entire brand new goddess
the goddess is named Sekhmet
and she is basically like a lioness
with
chainsaws for legs
SEKHMET:
THE ORIGINAL THUNDERCAT.
Sekhmet’s job is simple:
KILL.
EVERYONE.
So that is what she does.
She just tears all around everywhere
mauling the ever-loving crap out of people until the ground is like
permanent red
which is disconcertingly tacky.
Eventually Ra wakes up from his old-man sleep
and he’s like “WHOA
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO?
Damn, I feel kinda bad now.”
Gods are always doing things like this if you haven’t noticed.
But the problem is that by now Sekhmet is an unstoppable murder engine.
But the good news
is that there is ONE THING
with the power to stop an unstoppable murder engine
and that thing
is BOOZE.
So what Ra does
is he gathers up all this really good beer
and all this really good red food coloring
and he mixes it all together
and he dumps it all over the fields that Sekhmet has scheduled for murdering the next day
so that when she shows up
she just sees a big lake of what she can only assume is blood
blood that smells like booze
so, like
the blood of really drunk people?
and she’s like “ALL RIGHT
LOOKS LIKE MURDERING IS DONE EARLY TODAY
TIME FOR MY SECOND FAVORITE PASTIME:
DEVOURING THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT.”
So Sekhmet just dives right in and starts slurping the boozeblood
which is such good shit that everybody calls it “THE SLEEPMAKER”
and because of that she ends up passing out pretty quick
and she wakes up all hung over
and Ra is like “HaHAAAA
from now on you will be known as Hathor
and the only thing you will kill people with
is KINDNESS.”
And basically whatever Ra says just immediately happens
so that’s who Sekhmet becomes from then on.
So obviously the moral of the story
is that the best way to deal with a rampaging psychopath
is to get them really, really drunk.
I SIS H AS B AD T ASTE IN J EWELRY
So time passes, and now Osiris is the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit, with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse.
But meanwhile there’s this dick Set.
That is his name
Set.
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
such as you might purchase for an adult tea party.
I am talking about the Egyptian god of the desert
and also storms, darkness, and chaos.
Basically if you are not having a good time
Set is right there, flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
Or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY.
What I mean is, Set’s a dick.
The reason I mention Set
is that he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailor-made for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like “HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”
And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird coffin party.
We’ll be right over.”
So they all get there and Set is like “All
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