Read Online Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology by Cory O'Brien - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Cory O'Brien
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soul is heavier than the feather
YOU GO TO HELL.
So I hope you can hear me in hell, every dude who ever lived in ancient Egypt
because I am about to seriously bastardize your canon up in here.
R A H AS S EX WITH H IMSELF
So there is this dude named Ra.
This dude does not exist
At least not at the beginning of the story.
All there is is this totally boring infinite water called Nu
but then Ra
who—remember—doesn’t exist
is like “This sucks.
How about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER!??”
So now Ra is standing around
except actually he is not standing.
He hasn’t invented standing yet and anyway there is no place to stand
so Ra is like “Okay, time for some terrain features.
Let’s start with the ones that look the most like tits.”
So he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
So Ra gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE is a hill and some water.
So he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes to will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like “MAN, YOU GUYS ARE SOOOO LAZY
FINE, I’LL MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS.”
But there is a problem
because, although Ra can make hills
and also HIMSELF
he apparently can’t make people.
Sexual reproduction is ruining everything, as usual.
But Ra does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT.
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH
IN THE TWO LEAST CLASSY WAYS POSSIBLE. Yes, guys.
If Egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
(depending on whether you are a boy or a girl).
See, Ra has two kids.
The phlegm kid is this dude called Shu
the god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you, but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing, I guess.
Anyway, Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored than even their omnipotent father could have imagined.
So they are sitting around and they are like “Hey
wanna hit each other with bricks?
Oh wait, bricks don’t exist. Just like absolutely everything else other than hills.
Fuck it, let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost.”
So they make up some laws and then they get lost in the middle of an endless ocean fiasco
which is kind of like SeaWorld
if SeaWorld was everything everywhere
and there was no Shamu
and there was no amusement park
or hot dogs or whatever.
It is actually just the water part of SeaWorld.
And there are only three people there
and two of them are lost
and they are made of spit and vomit.
Actually, that last part sounds a lot like SeaWorld.
So Ra is like “GUYYSSSS
I fucked my own SHADOW so I wouldn’t be lonely.
Come baaaack.”
And then he takes out his one eye
(by the way, he only has one eye)
and he is like “Hey, eye
go find my kids.”
So it does, and it brings them back to Ra
and he starts crying
either because he is so happy to have his kids back or because now he has to raise kids
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in before he does this
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all.
What is important is that those tears hit the hill Ra made
and they turn into people
and then Shu and Tefnut start boning
like siblings do.
They pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
(those are extremely large babies, no lie).
Then later, Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff.
So basically what it all comes down to
is that we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I’m gonna go cry now.
I hope it
YOU GO TO HELL.
So I hope you can hear me in hell, every dude who ever lived in ancient Egypt
because I am about to seriously bastardize your canon up in here.
R A H AS S EX WITH H IMSELF
So there is this dude named Ra.
This dude does not exist
At least not at the beginning of the story.
All there is is this totally boring infinite water called Nu
but then Ra
who—remember—doesn’t exist
is like “This sucks.
How about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER!??”
So now Ra is standing around
except actually he is not standing.
He hasn’t invented standing yet and anyway there is no place to stand
so Ra is like “Okay, time for some terrain features.
Let’s start with the ones that look the most like tits.”
So he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
So Ra gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE is a hill and some water.
So he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes to will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like “MAN, YOU GUYS ARE SOOOO LAZY
FINE, I’LL MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS.”
But there is a problem
because, although Ra can make hills
and also HIMSELF
he apparently can’t make people.
Sexual reproduction is ruining everything, as usual.
But Ra does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT.
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH
IN THE TWO LEAST CLASSY WAYS POSSIBLE. Yes, guys.
If Egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
(depending on whether you are a boy or a girl).
See, Ra has two kids.
The phlegm kid is this dude called Shu
the god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you, but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing, I guess.
Anyway, Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored than even their omnipotent father could have imagined.
So they are sitting around and they are like “Hey
wanna hit each other with bricks?
Oh wait, bricks don’t exist. Just like absolutely everything else other than hills.
Fuck it, let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost.”
So they make up some laws and then they get lost in the middle of an endless ocean fiasco
which is kind of like SeaWorld
if SeaWorld was everything everywhere
and there was no Shamu
and there was no amusement park
or hot dogs or whatever.
It is actually just the water part of SeaWorld.
And there are only three people there
and two of them are lost
and they are made of spit and vomit.
Actually, that last part sounds a lot like SeaWorld.
So Ra is like “GUYYSSSS
I fucked my own SHADOW so I wouldn’t be lonely.
Come baaaack.”
And then he takes out his one eye
(by the way, he only has one eye)
and he is like “Hey, eye
go find my kids.”
So it does, and it brings them back to Ra
and he starts crying
either because he is so happy to have his kids back or because now he has to raise kids
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in before he does this
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all.
What is important is that those tears hit the hill Ra made
and they turn into people
and then Shu and Tefnut start boning
like siblings do.
They pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
(those are extremely large babies, no lie).
Then later, Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff.
So basically what it all comes down to
is that we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I’m gonna go cry now.
I hope it
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