Read Online Uncle John’s Briefs by Bathroom Readers’ Institute - Free Book Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
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Golden Rule. The man with the gold rules.”
“Anger: use it, but don’t lose it.”
“Pity is between sorry and mercy. See, if you pity him, you won’t have to beat him up. So that’s why you gotta give fools another chance because they don’t know any better.”
—on pitying fools
“I thought about my father being called ‘boy,’ my uncle being called ‘boy,’ my brother being called ‘boy.’ What does a black man have to do before he’s given respect as a man?’ So when I was 18 years old, I said I was old enough to be called a man. I self-ordained myself ‘Mr. T’ so the first word out of everybody’s mouth is ‘Mister.’ That’s a sign of respect that my father didn’t get.”
The term “filibuster” is from the French word for “pirate.”
ANIMALS IN
THE OUTFIELD
And the infield, the dugout, the uniforms, the pressbox…
J ACOB’S SWATTER
In the 2007 A.L. division baseball series, the Yankees were playing in Cleveland, down by one game but clinging to a 1–0 lead in the eighth inning. Coming in to hold the lead was 22-year-old Yankee reliever Joba Chamberlain, who hadn’t blown a save all year. Also entering the game: a giant swarm of tiny gnatlike insects called midges (they were attracted to the stadium lights). As they enveloped the mound, Chamberlain tried swatting them with his cap, but that didn’t work, so catcher Jorge Posada ran out and sprayed the pitcher with insect repellent. That didn’t work, either. So, with tiny midges crawling all over his face and neck, Chamberlain kept pitching. Result: He gave up two walks, threw two wild pitches, and hit a batter, allowing the tying run to score. The Indians, who were used to the bugs, won the game in the 12th inning. Afterward, Chamberlain blamed himself: “Bugs are bugs. It’s not the first time I had a bug near me.” But Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter disagreed: “I guess that’s home-field advantage for them—just let the bugs out.”
FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES
During the fourth inning of a 2007 spring training game between the Indians and the Mets in Winter Haven, Florida, play was briefly halted when several reporters started screaming and running out of the press box. The culprit: a three-foot-long black snake that had slithered over their notebooks and computers. While fans (Floridians, who are accustomed to snakes) laughed at the reporters, a member of the grounds crew caught the snake and let it go in some woods near the parking lot.
FLY TO YOUR TOMORROW, SEAGULL
To this day, Dave Winfield swears he didn’t do it on purpose. Between innings of a game in Toronto on August 4, 1983, the Yankee outfielder caught one last warm-up toss and then threw it to a ball boy waitingalong the foul line. Perched on the field between Winfield and the boy, however, was a small white gull. After taking a short hop, the baseball hit the bird hard…and killed it. As the groundskeepers quickly came in and took it away, Winfield raised his cap. Stunned Toronto fans saw this as disrespectful and threw things at the Yankee slugger for the rest of the game. And after the game, a group of Mounties arrested Winfield (in the visitor clubhouse) for “willfully causing unnecessary cruelty to an animal.” Winfield denied it was willful, but cooperated and paid the $500 bail. The charges were later dropped, but Winfield’s reputation in Canada was severely damaged. (When the Blue Jays later brought in a falcon to try and curb the ballpark’s gull population, they named it “Winfield.”) Redeemed: Ironically, Winfield (the player, not the falcon) was later traded to the Blue Jays and helped win the 1992 World Series with a spectacular game-wining double in Game 6…earning him the nickname “Mr. Jay.”
Nearly 90% of Canada’s population lives within 100 miles (160 km) of the U.S. border.
THE CAT’S MEOW
In May 1990, A’s manager Tony La Russa was sitting in the dugout during an Oakland home game when a stray cat ran out onto the
“Anger: use it, but don’t lose it.”
“Pity is between sorry and mercy. See, if you pity him, you won’t have to beat him up. So that’s why you gotta give fools another chance because they don’t know any better.”
—on pitying fools
“I thought about my father being called ‘boy,’ my uncle being called ‘boy,’ my brother being called ‘boy.’ What does a black man have to do before he’s given respect as a man?’ So when I was 18 years old, I said I was old enough to be called a man. I self-ordained myself ‘Mr. T’ so the first word out of everybody’s mouth is ‘Mister.’ That’s a sign of respect that my father didn’t get.”
The term “filibuster” is from the French word for “pirate.”
ANIMALS IN
THE OUTFIELD
And the infield, the dugout, the uniforms, the pressbox…
J ACOB’S SWATTER
In the 2007 A.L. division baseball series, the Yankees were playing in Cleveland, down by one game but clinging to a 1–0 lead in the eighth inning. Coming in to hold the lead was 22-year-old Yankee reliever Joba Chamberlain, who hadn’t blown a save all year. Also entering the game: a giant swarm of tiny gnatlike insects called midges (they were attracted to the stadium lights). As they enveloped the mound, Chamberlain tried swatting them with his cap, but that didn’t work, so catcher Jorge Posada ran out and sprayed the pitcher with insect repellent. That didn’t work, either. So, with tiny midges crawling all over his face and neck, Chamberlain kept pitching. Result: He gave up two walks, threw two wild pitches, and hit a batter, allowing the tying run to score. The Indians, who were used to the bugs, won the game in the 12th inning. Afterward, Chamberlain blamed himself: “Bugs are bugs. It’s not the first time I had a bug near me.” But Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter disagreed: “I guess that’s home-field advantage for them—just let the bugs out.”
FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES
During the fourth inning of a 2007 spring training game between the Indians and the Mets in Winter Haven, Florida, play was briefly halted when several reporters started screaming and running out of the press box. The culprit: a three-foot-long black snake that had slithered over their notebooks and computers. While fans (Floridians, who are accustomed to snakes) laughed at the reporters, a member of the grounds crew caught the snake and let it go in some woods near the parking lot.
FLY TO YOUR TOMORROW, SEAGULL
To this day, Dave Winfield swears he didn’t do it on purpose. Between innings of a game in Toronto on August 4, 1983, the Yankee outfielder caught one last warm-up toss and then threw it to a ball boy waitingalong the foul line. Perched on the field between Winfield and the boy, however, was a small white gull. After taking a short hop, the baseball hit the bird hard…and killed it. As the groundskeepers quickly came in and took it away, Winfield raised his cap. Stunned Toronto fans saw this as disrespectful and threw things at the Yankee slugger for the rest of the game. And after the game, a group of Mounties arrested Winfield (in the visitor clubhouse) for “willfully causing unnecessary cruelty to an animal.” Winfield denied it was willful, but cooperated and paid the $500 bail. The charges were later dropped, but Winfield’s reputation in Canada was severely damaged. (When the Blue Jays later brought in a falcon to try and curb the ballpark’s gull population, they named it “Winfield.”) Redeemed: Ironically, Winfield (the player, not the falcon) was later traded to the Blue Jays and helped win the 1992 World Series with a spectacular game-wining double in Game 6…earning him the nickname “Mr. Jay.”
Nearly 90% of Canada’s population lives within 100 miles (160 km) of the U.S. border.
THE CAT’S MEOW
In May 1990, A’s manager Tony La Russa was sitting in the dugout during an Oakland home game when a stray cat ran out onto the
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