words echoed
in my mind. "Don't get me wrong," she smiled wiping the tear away
with her manicured hand, "I love Reno with all my heart, but it's hard
every time he leaves. It never gets easier," she patted my arm then turned
back to unload her clothing into the dresser drawers.
I walked into the master
bedroom, pushing the door shut and leaning my back against it, my head hitting
it slightly as I closed my eyes. Rosa's words ran through my mind over and
over, " it's hard letting your heart walk away, not knowing if it'll
come back alive ", tears rimming my closed lashes. What had my heart
done to me so many years ago when it had fallen for Chad? The fear of loving
him then losing him crept into my mind and a sob broke through my chest, my
legs going weak and my back slid down the door, my butt hitting the hardwood
floor. I tried to cover my mouth to muffle the sounds of my tears, but I knew
they were audible to anyone who was upstairs, the walls not offering too much
sound insulation. In that moment I could care less if Rosa heard me because my
heart was silently breaking at the notion of never seeing Chad again, never
holding him again or seeing his crooked smile again.
I gathered myself enough
to unload our bags into the dressers, tears streaming down my cheeks the entire
time, trying to wipe them away before they hit my lips. My hands were braced on
the cherry wood dresser, my eyes inspecting my reddened face as the door
creaked open, Rosa poking her head around the corner, her eyes finding me.
"Oh Rhea," she said, quickly shutting the door and wrapping me in a
soft hug, "I didn't mean to upset you." She rubbed my back, but all
the tears were gone and I sighed into her shoulder.
"I'm okay," I
say giving her a smile, "let's go see if the food is done." There was
no way that anyone who saw me wouldn't know I had been crying, so taking a deep
breath and fixing my hair, Rosa and I descended the stairs. I could see all the
men through the front window, gathered around the roaring fire, food in all of their
hands. "Guess they started without us," I say with a slight smile
grabbing my jacket as Rosa leads the way into the kitchen.
"Get used to
it," she says, handing me a plate, "when they get together, sometimes
it's like we don't even exist." She gave me a rye laugh, filling her plate
and heading back out to get her jacket. Standing there, staring at the food I
was all of a sudden not very hungry. Actually if I tried to eat something right
now, I'd probably throw it up. My stomach was in knots over Chad and what we
were headed for. We hadn't even really put a label on our relationship; we
hadn't even talked about it. We were just whatever.
I hadn't noticed that
there were tears running down my cheeks till Kendall's voice broke my train of
thought, "Ray, you okay?" her big brown eyes meeting mine, her brow
creased with concern as she leaned forward onto the kitchen island across from
me. "What's wrong," she reached out and put her hand over mine, her
fingers cold from the night air.
I quickly wiped at my face
with the back of my hand, trying to give her a smile but I knew it was weak,
"Nothing, just......thinking."
She patted my hand,
grabbing a plate and coming around the island to stand next to me. "It's
that damn Chad," she says scooping salad onto the dish, "he always
makes you so emotional. You should just get over him." She gave me a
sidelong look and I shrugged my shoulders, trying to put at least a little food
on my empty dish. Dropping her plate on the butcher block top, Kendall threw her
tanned arms around my shoulders, leaning her blonde haired head against mine,
"You love him, I know, but I don't like seeing you get your heart ripped
out every time he leaves. I'm not saying you should settle, and you know I def
don't want you with Duke, but you need to be happy. Do something that makes you
happy." She kissed the side of my head and resumed filling her plate.
"Chad does make me
happy," I all but whisper, not
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