not
being able to see my brother, or share important things with him. I can't bring
him back. I can't change the past, but I don't have to stop wishing every once
in a while that I could.
The dead leaves and
branches crunched under my boots as I trudged along, wiping the tears away with
quick angry swipes, stopping my path and leaning against an old birch tree.
Gripping onto two low lying branches, I shook myself, the anger rolling through
me and a scream coming out, my breath steam in the air. I screamed till my
throat gave out, strong arms encircling my waist and spinning me around,
pulling me into him.
Chad's Old Spice scent
washed over me, but I was too far into my rage, my balled up hands pounding
furiously at his sweatshirt covered chest, my forehead resting against it
feeling the vibration every time I struck him. "Stop now," he said,
his arms trying to force mine down, "stop it now Ray, you're okay. They
didn't mean to make you feel bad," his cheek was against the top of my
head, his warm breath mingling with my hair.
"No," I cried,
hitting his chest, "Randy left me, then my mother left me, now....now
you'll leave me and I'll be all alone," I sobbed, the stream of tears
picking up as I buried my face in his sweatshirt, giving up on my assault of
fists. I gripped the cloth in my hands as if I could pull him any closer to me,
his arms squeezing me tight, his hands rubbing up and down my back. "You
can't leave me Chad, not after I've just found you. I love you too much for you
to leave," I cried, my words hitching as my throat dealt with my tears.
"I love you," I whispered into his chest.
"Ray," his
voice loomed over me, his hands pulling my face from his sweatshirt to look up
at his, the darkness seemingly disappearing between us. "Ray, I...I love
you too, I always have." That little sentence broke my heart, my hands
running up to meet his cheeks, pulling his lips to mine. "I'll leave, but
I'll always come back," he breathed out between our joined lips, his hands
running into my hair and one down to my waist. "I'm sorry I waited so long
to really tell you," he whispered against my neck as his hand un-zipped my
jacket, his fingers running over my chest and stomach.
"Chad," I
breathed out, my fingers unbuttoning his jeans, unzipping them as he does the
same to me. I stop his hands for a second, his eyes meeting mine, "When
did you know you loved me," I ask, working my jeans down to my ankles,
slipping my left leg free of them, the cold air biting at my skin.
"When I was
fifteen," he whispered into my lips then kissed them softly, his thumb
massaging into my neck causing my head to tilt to give him better access to my
neck and that spot at the crook of my neck that he always brushed with his
lips, sending me reeling. "It was the summer and you had on a little
yellow sundress, sitting on the swing behind our trailer. When I pushed you
lightly, your laugh pierced my heart and I was a goner. For the last fifteen
years I've never loved another," he kissed my lips again and I could feel
a smile breakout, "When did you know," he asked, his tongue darting
out to trace my top lip.
"When I was
five," I say, my hands running over his chest and shoulders, his hands
lifting me up to wrap my legs around his waist. "You were climbing the
maple at the park and I was following you, Randy was on the ground. I started
to slip and you caught my wrist, saying 'I'll never let you go', and I was a goner, your blue eyes had me hooked." He pushed my back up against
the tree, his lips finding mine, "I love you."
"I love you,"
he whispered on my lips, the echoes of it seemingly lasting forever as he made
love to me right there, our breath turning to steam, our hearts melting into
one. He knew. I knew. We held each other, perched up against the tree, just
kissing one another, this time as happy tears trickled down my cheeks. I could
have died in that very moment and left this life happy, with no regrets. After
getting dressed, we walked
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