Read Online TVA BABY and Other Stories by Terry Bisson - Free Book Online
Authors: Terry Bisson
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and pressed SHOOT.
She pulled a ski mask and a .44 out of the shopping bag. She put on the ski mask and fired the gun into the ceiling. 04/20/2008/09:18 a.m .
Everybody hit the floor.
“Hand it over, motherfucker!” the little old lady yelled. The teller filled her shopping bag with money, and she ran out the door.
Lou followed her.
She ripped off her ski mask and jumped onto a bus.
Lou jumped on behind her. He sat down beside her even though all the other seats were empty.
“I saw you rob that bank,” he said.
“No, you did not!” she said. She was out of breath.
“Yes, I did,” said Lou. He pressed PLAY and showedher the viewscreen and she shook her head in amazement. “I don’t know what came over me,” she said.
“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. He made her give him half the money. It was $560, more than he made in a month. It was all in twenties.
He got off at the next stop and went home and watched crime videos. Now he had three. The cat walked through the room, prancing like a criminal, but Lou ignored it. He didn’t want to run down the batteries.
The next day Lou called in sick again.
“This is getting old,” said his boss. “You are fired.”
Lou didn’t give a damn and told him so. He had $622. What did he need with a job?
He went back to the mall. The pretty girl was there again. Her mother apparently dropped her off every day. There was hardly anybody else around.
Lou followed her up the escalator. He watched her in the viewscreen as she walked into Cinderella’s Slipper. He pressed SHOOT. She swiped a pair of little pink socks and stuck them down into her tanktop. It was pink too. Then she went to the food court and ordered a taco salad. Lou sat down beside her.
“I warned you,” she said. “I’m calling Security.”
“Go ahead, they might be interested in seeing this,” said Lou. He showed her the video of her stealing the socks at 04/21/2008/10:22 a.m .
“I told you, I don’t know what came over me,” she said.
“I do,” said Lou. He explained to her about the Crimestoppers™ video camera. “Everybody that I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They can’t help it.”
“It must be magic,” she said. “If so, it’s not evidence.”
“There’s no such thing as magic,” said Lou. “It could be from another dimension, or something. I got it on eBay.” He made her look at the video again.
“It’s not evidence anyway,” she said. “The socks are pink and that’s in black and white.”
“I’m not interested in turning you in anyway,” said Lou. “I just want to make friends.”
“You have a funny way of going about it,” said the pretty girl. “Now if you will excuse me, my mother is picking me up.”
Lou followed her out to the parking lot and watched her on the viewscreen getting into the Lexus. He pressed SHOOT. On its way out of the lot the Lexus ran over a little dog but didn’t stop.
Lou went home alone. He was more lonely than ever.
That night he was watching crime videos when there was a knock at the door.
It was the fat kid. The little old lady was with him.
“How did you find me?” Lou asked.
“There are ways,” said the little old lady.
“Let’s see that thing,” the fat kid said.
“What thing?” Lou asked.
“You know what thing,” they both said.
Lou showed them the Crimestoppers™ video camera and explained to them how it worked. “Everybody I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They just can’t help it.”
“You’re telling me!” said the little old lady.
“That’s why we’re here,” said the fat kid. It turned out they both had enjoyed the experience, and now they wanted to form a criminal gang. “Your apartment will be our hideout,” said the little old lady. “You can be our boss,” said the kid.
Lou wasn’t so sure. But he let them stay. He even let them play with the cat. He was lonely and a criminal gang was better than nothing.
The next day Lou called in sick again.
She pulled a ski mask and a .44 out of the shopping bag. She put on the ski mask and fired the gun into the ceiling. 04/20/2008/09:18 a.m .
Everybody hit the floor.
“Hand it over, motherfucker!” the little old lady yelled. The teller filled her shopping bag with money, and she ran out the door.
Lou followed her.
She ripped off her ski mask and jumped onto a bus.
Lou jumped on behind her. He sat down beside her even though all the other seats were empty.
“I saw you rob that bank,” he said.
“No, you did not!” she said. She was out of breath.
“Yes, I did,” said Lou. He pressed PLAY and showedher the viewscreen and she shook her head in amazement. “I don’t know what came over me,” she said.
“That’s what they all say,” said Lou. He made her give him half the money. It was $560, more than he made in a month. It was all in twenties.
He got off at the next stop and went home and watched crime videos. Now he had three. The cat walked through the room, prancing like a criminal, but Lou ignored it. He didn’t want to run down the batteries.
The next day Lou called in sick again.
“This is getting old,” said his boss. “You are fired.”
Lou didn’t give a damn and told him so. He had $622. What did he need with a job?
He went back to the mall. The pretty girl was there again. Her mother apparently dropped her off every day. There was hardly anybody else around.
Lou followed her up the escalator. He watched her in the viewscreen as she walked into Cinderella’s Slipper. He pressed SHOOT. She swiped a pair of little pink socks and stuck them down into her tanktop. It was pink too. Then she went to the food court and ordered a taco salad. Lou sat down beside her.
“I warned you,” she said. “I’m calling Security.”
“Go ahead, they might be interested in seeing this,” said Lou. He showed her the video of her stealing the socks at 04/21/2008/10:22 a.m .
“I told you, I don’t know what came over me,” she said.
“I do,” said Lou. He explained to her about the Crimestoppers™ video camera. “Everybody that I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They can’t help it.”
“It must be magic,” she said. “If so, it’s not evidence.”
“There’s no such thing as magic,” said Lou. “It could be from another dimension, or something. I got it on eBay.” He made her look at the video again.
“It’s not evidence anyway,” she said. “The socks are pink and that’s in black and white.”
“I’m not interested in turning you in anyway,” said Lou. “I just want to make friends.”
“You have a funny way of going about it,” said the pretty girl. “Now if you will excuse me, my mother is picking me up.”
Lou followed her out to the parking lot and watched her on the viewscreen getting into the Lexus. He pressed SHOOT. On its way out of the lot the Lexus ran over a little dog but didn’t stop.
Lou went home alone. He was more lonely than ever.
That night he was watching crime videos when there was a knock at the door.
It was the fat kid. The little old lady was with him.
“How did you find me?” Lou asked.
“There are ways,” said the little old lady.
“Let’s see that thing,” the fat kid said.
“What thing?” Lou asked.
“You know what thing,” they both said.
Lou showed them the Crimestoppers™ video camera and explained to them how it worked. “Everybody I shoot commits a crime,” he said. “They just can’t help it.”
“You’re telling me!” said the little old lady.
“That’s why we’re here,” said the fat kid. It turned out they both had enjoyed the experience, and now they wanted to form a criminal gang. “Your apartment will be our hideout,” said the little old lady. “You can be our boss,” said the kid.
Lou wasn’t so sure. But he let them stay. He even let them play with the cat. He was lonely and a criminal gang was better than nothing.
The next day Lou called in sick again.
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