Read Online TVA BABY and Other Stories by Terry Bisson - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Terry Bisson
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departure.
“Told you,” said the fat kid.
“Why the two sad faucets?” asked the little old lady when they got back to the hideout. Lou was crying. “This kidnapping was a bust, but there are lots of other crimes waiting to be committed,” she said, trying to cheer him up.
“The day is yet young,” said the fat kid. “So ‘fess up, Boss, why the long face?”
In a sudden burst of honesty that surprised even himself, Lou explained that it wasn’t the crime of kidnapping that had interested him, but the victim herself—the pretty girl.
“I feel used,” said the little old lady, the cat on her lap.
The fat kid was crying himself. “What about our criminal gang?”
Lou confessed that it wasn’t the criminal gang he had wanted all along but a girlfriend. He didn’t give a damn about the criminal gang.
“You devious bastard!” said the fat kid. He went off on Lou. Then he reached into the little old lady’s shopping bag and pulled out the .44.
“Careful with that,” said the little old lady. “It’s a oneway ticket to Hell.”
“Good!” said the fat kid. He pointed the gun at Lou but he couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard he tried.
“I’ve got an idea,” said the little old lady. She grabbed the video camera from Lou and pointed it at the fat kid. She got him in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT. “Try it again,” she said.
“No,” said Lou.
“Yes!” BLAM! The fat kid pulled the trigger and fired at Lou but missed, just barely. The bullet went through the cat and then demolished the computer at 04/23/2008/01:32 p.m .
“Try again,” said the little old lady. She pressed SHOOT again. But just as the fat kid was pulling the trigger, the viewscreen went blank.
She handed it back to Lou.
“The batteries are dead,” he said. He was sorry, yet relieved.
“Bummer,” said the little old lady. She took her .44 back and dropped it into her shopping bag. It wasn’t real anymore; it hardly weighed anything.
A silence fell over the hideout. The cat was bleeding to death.
“What now, boss?” asked the fat kid. Lou was in charge again.
They took the Crimestoppers™ video camera to Walgreens and showed it to the clerk.
“It takes Triple Es,” said the clerk. “The problem is, there’s no such thing. It must be from another galaxy or something.”
“Then I guess that’s it,” said the fat kid dejectedly. “That’s the end of our criminal gang.”
“I should have know it would never last,” said the little old lady. “I’m outa here.”
“You and me both,” said the fat kid, and they left, butnot together. Each went to his or her own home. The criminal gang was
kaput
.
“Good riddance,” murmured Lou. He wasn’t going to miss those two. But now he felt more alone than ever.
“Can I help you with something else?” asked the clerk.
Lou couldn’t think of anything so he just went home.
Lou called in sick the next day.
“I told you, you don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “Quit calling.”
Lou went to the mall. There was the pretty girl again. She pretended to ignore him. He followed her up the escalator to Cinderella’s Slipper and watched her steal a pair of socks. Without the video camera, she got caught. Her father made her give them back. It turned out that he was the store owner. Lou went to the food court and waited for her to show up.
“I’m sorry about the kidnapping,” he said. “I just wanted a girlfriend. The criminal gang thing is over.
Kaput.”
“Too late,” she said. “I hated that tape.”
“You did say OK, you would be my girlfriend,” Lou reminded her.
“I don’t know what came over me,” she said with a mean smile. “That was on your Crimestoppers™ video and perps always lie.”
“How about I buy you lunch,” Lou suggested. He still had his $979.12. It was burning a hole in his pocket.
“If you insist,” she said. “You’re not all that bad looking.” Lou felt a momentary stirring of hope
“Told you,” said the fat kid.
“Why the two sad faucets?” asked the little old lady when they got back to the hideout. Lou was crying. “This kidnapping was a bust, but there are lots of other crimes waiting to be committed,” she said, trying to cheer him up.
“The day is yet young,” said the fat kid. “So ‘fess up, Boss, why the long face?”
In a sudden burst of honesty that surprised even himself, Lou explained that it wasn’t the crime of kidnapping that had interested him, but the victim herself—the pretty girl.
“I feel used,” said the little old lady, the cat on her lap.
The fat kid was crying himself. “What about our criminal gang?”
Lou confessed that it wasn’t the criminal gang he had wanted all along but a girlfriend. He didn’t give a damn about the criminal gang.
“You devious bastard!” said the fat kid. He went off on Lou. Then he reached into the little old lady’s shopping bag and pulled out the .44.
“Careful with that,” said the little old lady. “It’s a oneway ticket to Hell.”
“Good!” said the fat kid. He pointed the gun at Lou but he couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard he tried.
“I’ve got an idea,” said the little old lady. She grabbed the video camera from Lou and pointed it at the fat kid. She got him in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT. “Try it again,” she said.
“No,” said Lou.
“Yes!” BLAM! The fat kid pulled the trigger and fired at Lou but missed, just barely. The bullet went through the cat and then demolished the computer at 04/23/2008/01:32 p.m .
“Try again,” said the little old lady. She pressed SHOOT again. But just as the fat kid was pulling the trigger, the viewscreen went blank.
She handed it back to Lou.
“The batteries are dead,” he said. He was sorry, yet relieved.
“Bummer,” said the little old lady. She took her .44 back and dropped it into her shopping bag. It wasn’t real anymore; it hardly weighed anything.
A silence fell over the hideout. The cat was bleeding to death.
“What now, boss?” asked the fat kid. Lou was in charge again.
They took the Crimestoppers™ video camera to Walgreens and showed it to the clerk.
“It takes Triple Es,” said the clerk. “The problem is, there’s no such thing. It must be from another galaxy or something.”
“Then I guess that’s it,” said the fat kid dejectedly. “That’s the end of our criminal gang.”
“I should have know it would never last,” said the little old lady. “I’m outa here.”
“You and me both,” said the fat kid, and they left, butnot together. Each went to his or her own home. The criminal gang was
kaput
.
“Good riddance,” murmured Lou. He wasn’t going to miss those two. But now he felt more alone than ever.
“Can I help you with something else?” asked the clerk.
Lou couldn’t think of anything so he just went home.
Lou called in sick the next day.
“I told you, you don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “Quit calling.”
Lou went to the mall. There was the pretty girl again. She pretended to ignore him. He followed her up the escalator to Cinderella’s Slipper and watched her steal a pair of socks. Without the video camera, she got caught. Her father made her give them back. It turned out that he was the store owner. Lou went to the food court and waited for her to show up.
“I’m sorry about the kidnapping,” he said. “I just wanted a girlfriend. The criminal gang thing is over.
Kaput.”
“Too late,” she said. “I hated that tape.”
“You did say OK, you would be my girlfriend,” Lou reminded her.
“I don’t know what came over me,” she said with a mean smile. “That was on your Crimestoppers™ video and perps always lie.”
“How about I buy you lunch,” Lou suggested. He still had his $979.12. It was burning a hole in his pocket.
“If you insist,” she said. “You’re not all that bad looking.” Lou felt a momentary stirring of hope
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