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Authors: Terry Bisson
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Then they went downtown and committed some crimes. They stole a box of nails at the hardware store and a thousand dollars at the Indian casino. Then they went back to their hideout and divided up the loot.
“That video camera is cool,” said the fat kid as they divided up the loot. “It’s like magic.”
“It’s apparently from another dimension,” said Lou.
“Dimension shimension,” said the little old lady. “It’s from the future if you ask me.”
“I got it on eBay,” said Lou. He was beginning to worry about the batteries.
The next day Lou called in sick again. “You don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “So knock off the damn calling in.”
They went downtown and committed more crimes. Then they went back to their hideout and divided up the loot. Then Lou and the fat kid watched crime videos while the little old lady played with the cat.
Lou had $979.12 by now but he couldn’t get the pretty girl off his mind.
“Why the long face?” the fat kid asked.
“Fess up, Boss,” said the little old lady.
Lou showed them the crime video of the pretty girl at the mall. He told them everything but the truth: that he wanted her as his girlfriend. He had only just realized it himself.
“She’s a skillful one, that one,” said the little old lady.
“I’ll bet that Lexus is filled with socks!” said the fat kid. “We should ask her to join our criminal gang.”
“Hmmmm,” murmured Lou. He was beginning to come up with a plan.
The next day Lou called in sick again. He hung up as soon as his boss answered. Then they all went to mall together. They got there late. The pretty girl was already in the food court, having a taco salad.
Her tank top looked stuffed with socks.
“You again,” she said, when she looked up and saw Lou approaching, watching her on his tiny viewscreen. “You’re wasting your time. How can I commit a crime while I’m eating my lunch? Brunch. Whatever.”
It was 04/23/2008/10:09 a.m . She didn’t see the little old lady and the fat kid sneaking up behind her. Lou pressed SHOOT and they immediately went to work kidnapping her. They duct taped her to her chair and gagged her so she couldn’t scream for help.
They carried her on the chair to Lou’s apartment, which was now their hideout.
“What’s the big idea?” she asked, as soon as the gag was removed.
Lou explained to her about the criminal gang. “We want you to join,” he said. He introduced his two partners. He didn’t use their real names, which he didn’t know anyway.
“You’re a natural,” said the little old lady. “We steal a lot more than socks,” said the fat kid.
“There is no way I’m joining your criminal gang,” the girl said, looking at Lou with scorn. “I already told you, I don’t like your style. And you’re not all that good looking. So untie me. Or untape me. Whatever.”
“Only if you will join our criminal gang,” said Lou. “Otherwise, you are a hostage. Your call,” he added.
Before she could reply yes or no, he got her in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT.
“OK, I will join your criminal gang,” she said. “And I will be your girlfriend, too.” It was 04/23/2008/12:19 p.m .
“What’s this about a girlfriend?” asked the little old lady.
“But my mother is picking me up in the mall parking lot at one o’clock,” the pretty girl added. “I have to tell her I won’t be coming home again or otherwise she will worry.”
“Fair enough,” said Lou.
“Don’t trust her!” said the fat kid.
But Lou was the boss. They carried her on the chair to the mall parking lot and untaped her just as her mother was pulling in. But instead of telling her mother that she was never coming home again, so she wouldn’t worry, the girl jumped into the Lexus and rolled down the power window.
“Fuck you and your criminal gang!” she shouted as they sped off.
Lou watched her depart with tears in his eyes. He didn’t even bother to shoot her
“That video camera is cool,” said the fat kid as they divided up the loot. “It’s like magic.”
“It’s apparently from another dimension,” said Lou.
“Dimension shimension,” said the little old lady. “It’s from the future if you ask me.”
“I got it on eBay,” said Lou. He was beginning to worry about the batteries.
The next day Lou called in sick again. “You don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “So knock off the damn calling in.”
They went downtown and committed more crimes. Then they went back to their hideout and divided up the loot. Then Lou and the fat kid watched crime videos while the little old lady played with the cat.
Lou had $979.12 by now but he couldn’t get the pretty girl off his mind.
“Why the long face?” the fat kid asked.
“Fess up, Boss,” said the little old lady.
Lou showed them the crime video of the pretty girl at the mall. He told them everything but the truth: that he wanted her as his girlfriend. He had only just realized it himself.
“She’s a skillful one, that one,” said the little old lady.
“I’ll bet that Lexus is filled with socks!” said the fat kid. “We should ask her to join our criminal gang.”
“Hmmmm,” murmured Lou. He was beginning to come up with a plan.
The next day Lou called in sick again. He hung up as soon as his boss answered. Then they all went to mall together. They got there late. The pretty girl was already in the food court, having a taco salad.
Her tank top looked stuffed with socks.
“You again,” she said, when she looked up and saw Lou approaching, watching her on his tiny viewscreen. “You’re wasting your time. How can I commit a crime while I’m eating my lunch? Brunch. Whatever.”
It was 04/23/2008/10:09 a.m . She didn’t see the little old lady and the fat kid sneaking up behind her. Lou pressed SHOOT and they immediately went to work kidnapping her. They duct taped her to her chair and gagged her so she couldn’t scream for help.
They carried her on the chair to Lou’s apartment, which was now their hideout.
“What’s the big idea?” she asked, as soon as the gag was removed.
Lou explained to her about the criminal gang. “We want you to join,” he said. He introduced his two partners. He didn’t use their real names, which he didn’t know anyway.
“You’re a natural,” said the little old lady. “We steal a lot more than socks,” said the fat kid.
“There is no way I’m joining your criminal gang,” the girl said, looking at Lou with scorn. “I already told you, I don’t like your style. And you’re not all that good looking. So untie me. Or untape me. Whatever.”
“Only if you will join our criminal gang,” said Lou. “Otherwise, you are a hostage. Your call,” he added.
Before she could reply yes or no, he got her in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT.
“OK, I will join your criminal gang,” she said. “And I will be your girlfriend, too.” It was 04/23/2008/12:19 p.m .
“What’s this about a girlfriend?” asked the little old lady.
“But my mother is picking me up in the mall parking lot at one o’clock,” the pretty girl added. “I have to tell her I won’t be coming home again or otherwise she will worry.”
“Fair enough,” said Lou.
“Don’t trust her!” said the fat kid.
But Lou was the boss. They carried her on the chair to the mall parking lot and untaped her just as her mother was pulling in. But instead of telling her mother that she was never coming home again, so she wouldn’t worry, the girl jumped into the Lexus and rolled down the power window.
“Fuck you and your criminal gang!” she shouted as they sped off.
Lou watched her depart with tears in his eyes. He didn’t even bother to shoot her
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