I think she blames me for her brother not having a wife and a parcel of kids. Which, if she knew her brother at all, she’d realize is ridiculous. It was never going to happen in a million years.”
“What’s… what’s wrong with him?”
“ALS. Lou Gehrig’s Disease,” Erik qualified when Jeremy frowned. But that didn’t help either; the kid was too young to have ever heard of the legendary baseball player who had made the disease famous. “Stephen Hawking?” Still no recognition. He sighed. “It’s a neurodegenerative disorder that affects the muscles. Essentially you lose all motor function. Your entire body stops working. Except your brain and most of your senses. You can still see and hear and feel. It’s like fucking being trapped in your own body.” The familiar bitterness choked him.
Jeremy’s fingers tightened in his.
“There’s no cure. All you can do is wait until your lungs finally shut down. He’s in respiratory failure now.”
“Jesus, I’m sorry.”
“He would have liked you. He always did have a thing for younger men.” Erik smiled to himself. “You were one of his favorites.” And mine , he thought.
“I don’t understand. You told him about me? About us?” Was Jeremy horrified? He couldn’t tell.
Erik sighed. He’d kept this to himself for so long that it seemed strange to talk about it now. What would Jeremy think? “It was George’s idea,” he began. “At least it started out that way. Once the disease started advancing, he kept insisting that I find someone else, that he was no good to me anymore. But I couldn’t do that. It didn’t feel right. His own body was betraying him—I couldn’t do that too. He was still there , inside. He could still feel. So we tried to find new ways to stay intimate, even if we couldn’t physically be together.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I told you that the brain was the primary center of pleasure. Well, George’s was perfectly fine even as his body deteriorated. We came to a sort of compromise. I would take on my special clients and then go home and share the experience with him.”
“You did record it!” Jeremy accused.
“No. I just… told him about it.” He wondered if someone raised on free internet porn could ever understand the power of a good imagination; that a well-told story could be just as arousing as watching two strangers on camera—maybe even more so.
“Like a fantasy?”
“Exactly. Sometimes I would embellish a bit—to heighten the stimulation.”
Jeremy tensed. Erik couldn’t blame him for finding the idea of some old guy getting off on his sexual awakening disgusting. “So, you used me?”
“Partly,” he admitted. He wouldn’t lie to the kid. “But along the way I came to truly enjoy what I was doing. It became more about helping people than keeping George entertained. What I said about a safe place—that was all true. What happened in our session was real and genuine, if that’s what you’re worried about. It wasn’t just for entertainment.”
“What did you say about me?”
Erik shook his head. “I’m not going to tell you that.” And not only because that was between him and George. But because it would give him away. Even his partner had sensed somehow that Jeremy was different from the others; George hadn’t missed the way Erik was more aroused by that session than any other, that his pleasure was more intense. Erik knew in his heart that was why George asked to hear about it so often.
Jeremy took his hand back, leaving Erik feeling bereft. Only a few minutes later, Emily found them. The look on her face told him it was time.
He let out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding and followed her back into the room to say goodbye one final time.
When Erik emerged from George’s room for the last time, Jeremy was there waiting for him. He blinked, unsure if the kid was real, or if in his dazed state he had conjured up what he most wanted to see at the
“What’s… what’s wrong with him?”
“ALS. Lou Gehrig’s Disease,” Erik qualified when Jeremy frowned. But that didn’t help either; the kid was too young to have ever heard of the legendary baseball player who had made the disease famous. “Stephen Hawking?” Still no recognition. He sighed. “It’s a neurodegenerative disorder that affects the muscles. Essentially you lose all motor function. Your entire body stops working. Except your brain and most of your senses. You can still see and hear and feel. It’s like fucking being trapped in your own body.” The familiar bitterness choked him.
Jeremy’s fingers tightened in his.
“There’s no cure. All you can do is wait until your lungs finally shut down. He’s in respiratory failure now.”
“Jesus, I’m sorry.”
“He would have liked you. He always did have a thing for younger men.” Erik smiled to himself. “You were one of his favorites.” And mine , he thought.
“I don’t understand. You told him about me? About us?” Was Jeremy horrified? He couldn’t tell.
Erik sighed. He’d kept this to himself for so long that it seemed strange to talk about it now. What would Jeremy think? “It was George’s idea,” he began. “At least it started out that way. Once the disease started advancing, he kept insisting that I find someone else, that he was no good to me anymore. But I couldn’t do that. It didn’t feel right. His own body was betraying him—I couldn’t do that too. He was still there , inside. He could still feel. So we tried to find new ways to stay intimate, even if we couldn’t physically be together.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I told you that the brain was the primary center of pleasure. Well, George’s was perfectly fine even as his body deteriorated. We came to a sort of compromise. I would take on my special clients and then go home and share the experience with him.”
“You did record it!” Jeremy accused.
“No. I just… told him about it.” He wondered if someone raised on free internet porn could ever understand the power of a good imagination; that a well-told story could be just as arousing as watching two strangers on camera—maybe even more so.
“Like a fantasy?”
“Exactly. Sometimes I would embellish a bit—to heighten the stimulation.”
Jeremy tensed. Erik couldn’t blame him for finding the idea of some old guy getting off on his sexual awakening disgusting. “So, you used me?”
“Partly,” he admitted. He wouldn’t lie to the kid. “But along the way I came to truly enjoy what I was doing. It became more about helping people than keeping George entertained. What I said about a safe place—that was all true. What happened in our session was real and genuine, if that’s what you’re worried about. It wasn’t just for entertainment.”
“What did you say about me?”
Erik shook his head. “I’m not going to tell you that.” And not only because that was between him and George. But because it would give him away. Even his partner had sensed somehow that Jeremy was different from the others; George hadn’t missed the way Erik was more aroused by that session than any other, that his pleasure was more intense. Erik knew in his heart that was why George asked to hear about it so often.
Jeremy took his hand back, leaving Erik feeling bereft. Only a few minutes later, Emily found them. The look on her face told him it was time.
He let out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding and followed her back into the room to say goodbye one final time.
When Erik emerged from George’s room for the last time, Jeremy was there waiting for him. He blinked, unsure if the kid was real, or if in his dazed state he had conjured up what he most wanted to see at the
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