Read Online This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life by Dannielle Owens-Reid, Kristin Russo - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid, Kristin Russo
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GRANDPARENTS (AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS)
Telling your parents, or your spouse’s parents, can often be a complicated issue to navigate. If the grandparents are in good health, then the decision to tell them will hinge on the same (or similar) factors that exist for the rest of the family. Telling extended family is different for everyone. It may happen all at once, or it may happen gradually over time. You may feel that speaking to your parents is the very first conversation you want to have, or you may be hesitant for a variety of reasons.
Michele, whose daughter Zoe came out to her as a lesbian when she was eighteen, had an extremely hard time when it came to telling her parents. She felt as though, in some way, her daughter being gay would make her own mother and father think less of her as a parent. She thought they might view Zoe’s sexuality as a consequence of not being nurtured enough by Michele. “It took me a while to move past that, because I felt that I was a disappointment to them,” she said. When Michele asked her parents what their thoughts were on Zoe’s sexuality, they confessed that they hadn’t known how to respond becauseMichele had been crying when she delivered the news. Michele’s parents had just wanted to be supportive of
their
daughter, and in doing so, hadn’t had the chance in that first exchange to express their support of their granddaughter.
Many families also struggle with telling grandparents because of age or health conditions. They don’t want to withhold information, but at the same time, they know that it might cause unnecessary stress, or be very confusing in the context of an aging person’s experience. If not telling them is making you or your kid feel like you’re constantly hiding something, then telling them is likely the right move. If you both feel you can share most other things about your lives, but that telling them will unnecessarily add to their stress or existing health issues, then the better decision may be to keep that information to yourselves. You and your child know your family better than anyone else, and so you will have to use that knowledge to help make the final decision. Weigh all the factors, and try to choose whichever option will bring you and your child the most peace of mind. There are no “wrong” answers here.
THE COWORKERS
When it comes to speaking with coworkers, or anyone else you see on a fairly regular (but not necessarily personal) basis, each decision you make will be different. You may find that each time you pass your boss’s desk, you are being asked, “So, how is your son? Does he have a girlfriend?” Questions such as this one might make you uneasy and cause you to mumble a quick noncommittal answer under yourbreath, or may act as a wonderful impetus for you to say, “No, actually, my son doesn’t date girls, but as soon as he has a boyfriend, I will let you know!” That interaction closely mirrors many moments that your child has on a daily basis with others—and can give you insight into how complicated those coming-out moments can be.
If you feel comfortable talking openly about your kid’s sexuality, then you should answer those kinds of questions honestly. Generally speaking, it is easiest to come out as a parent of a gay child when the conversation meanders to that topic on its own, rather than just standing up at your desk and shouting, “I have a gay kid!” It may be, though, that being completely open at your place of employment is not realistic for you, or not what you would prefer. You may be concerned about the repercussions of making your child’s sexuality common knowledge. You may just prefer to keep your personal life to yourself at your workplace. Just like all else, this is ultimately a decision for you and your kid to navigate together. If you are hesitant about telling your coworkers, make sure that you explain this clearly to your child. Ensure that they know you are not keeping this a secret
Telling your parents, or your spouse’s parents, can often be a complicated issue to navigate. If the grandparents are in good health, then the decision to tell them will hinge on the same (or similar) factors that exist for the rest of the family. Telling extended family is different for everyone. It may happen all at once, or it may happen gradually over time. You may feel that speaking to your parents is the very first conversation you want to have, or you may be hesitant for a variety of reasons.
Michele, whose daughter Zoe came out to her as a lesbian when she was eighteen, had an extremely hard time when it came to telling her parents. She felt as though, in some way, her daughter being gay would make her own mother and father think less of her as a parent. She thought they might view Zoe’s sexuality as a consequence of not being nurtured enough by Michele. “It took me a while to move past that, because I felt that I was a disappointment to them,” she said. When Michele asked her parents what their thoughts were on Zoe’s sexuality, they confessed that they hadn’t known how to respond becauseMichele had been crying when she delivered the news. Michele’s parents had just wanted to be supportive of
their
daughter, and in doing so, hadn’t had the chance in that first exchange to express their support of their granddaughter.
Many families also struggle with telling grandparents because of age or health conditions. They don’t want to withhold information, but at the same time, they know that it might cause unnecessary stress, or be very confusing in the context of an aging person’s experience. If not telling them is making you or your kid feel like you’re constantly hiding something, then telling them is likely the right move. If you both feel you can share most other things about your lives, but that telling them will unnecessarily add to their stress or existing health issues, then the better decision may be to keep that information to yourselves. You and your child know your family better than anyone else, and so you will have to use that knowledge to help make the final decision. Weigh all the factors, and try to choose whichever option will bring you and your child the most peace of mind. There are no “wrong” answers here.
THE COWORKERS
When it comes to speaking with coworkers, or anyone else you see on a fairly regular (but not necessarily personal) basis, each decision you make will be different. You may find that each time you pass your boss’s desk, you are being asked, “So, how is your son? Does he have a girlfriend?” Questions such as this one might make you uneasy and cause you to mumble a quick noncommittal answer under yourbreath, or may act as a wonderful impetus for you to say, “No, actually, my son doesn’t date girls, but as soon as he has a boyfriend, I will let you know!” That interaction closely mirrors many moments that your child has on a daily basis with others—and can give you insight into how complicated those coming-out moments can be.
If you feel comfortable talking openly about your kid’s sexuality, then you should answer those kinds of questions honestly. Generally speaking, it is easiest to come out as a parent of a gay child when the conversation meanders to that topic on its own, rather than just standing up at your desk and shouting, “I have a gay kid!” It may be, though, that being completely open at your place of employment is not realistic for you, or not what you would prefer. You may be concerned about the repercussions of making your child’s sexuality common knowledge. You may just prefer to keep your personal life to yourself at your workplace. Just like all else, this is ultimately a decision for you and your kid to navigate together. If you are hesitant about telling your coworkers, make sure that you explain this clearly to your child. Ensure that they know you are not keeping this a secret
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