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Authors: Jessica Ortner
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“FIGHT” PATTERN OF PANIC
The “fight” reaction to panic around losing weight often comes on very suddenly, triggered by a specific memory or event, like Analisa’s realization that her friend’s visit was only three weeks away. In the fight reaction, we’re overwhelmed by a feeling of desperation to lose the weight now at (almost) any cost. In those moments we’re convinced that weight is the full measure of our value as individuals. Nothing else about who we are, what we have to offer, or what we’ve accomplished can possibly have as much worth as our weight.
That’s what happened to Analisa. Overcome by shame, fear, and anxiety, she couldn’t imagine enjoying her visit with her friend; all she could do was feel threatened by it. The story running through her head was the only outcome she could envision. Every time Analisa thought about meeting her friend, she was preparing herself mentally and emotionally to fend off the backstabbing, judgmental attack that seemed inevitable.
When we’re experiencing this fight reaction, we tell ourselves that we need the panic—no matter how painful it is—because panic is our last hope. If we stop panicking, we are giving up on losing the weight. We believe that we have to be hard on ourselves because when we’re not, we gain the weight back. The panic itself becomes a reason to believe that we can still somehow lose the weight.
THE “DEFEAT” PATTERN OF PANIC
Compared to the fight reaction to panic, the “defeat” pattern of panic can seem deceptively calm.
“It’s my badge of failure,” Joni said of her weight. The worst part, she added, was that everyone could see her badge of failure, every single day.
“How much motivation do you feel to take care of your body when you see it as your badge of failure?” I asked.
“None,” she replied.
“I don’t blame you,” I told her. “If I saw my body as a badge of failure, I wouldn’t take care of it, either. Who would want to spend time caring for something they hate?”
At first glance the defeat pattern can seem like the exact opposite of panic. It looks like giving up, like we don’t care about our weight. Junk food, overeating, not exercising—all the ways we abuse ourselves and our bodies seem justified. We have gained the weight and failed to lose it. We have been deeply disappointed by our failure to lose the weight. We have spent so much energy fighting; enough is enough. Finally, we are waving the white flag, admitting defeat. It’s the smart thing to do, we tell ourselves. The weight loss programs and diets that everyone else lost weight on don’t work for us. Being fat is who we are, so why fight what we clearly can’t control?
Below the surface, however, we never do accept our weight. We cannot. We think about our weight constantly but we can’t face the disappointment and pain behind it—not again. It’s too overwhelming, too deep. It would break us. Instead, we wear defeat like a mask, a disguise to cover the shame and self-blame we stuff ourselves with. Beneath the surface, we’re just as panicked about our weight as when we are in fight mode. In fact, in the defeat pattern of panic, we may feel more desperate and anxious than ever.
Why We Panic
When we’re panicked about weight, whether we’re having a fight or defeat reaction, we feel sure that losing all the weight will fix everything. In panic mode, even when we appear to have given up, nothing seems as important to us as losing the weight. If we could only lose the weight, we tell ourselves, everything would be different, our lives would be different, we would be different.
Our panic begins to feel more powerful than we are, so we buy into the idea mass media and mass culture sell us every day—that thin equals happy and carefree. If or when I lose the weight, we each tell ourselves, my relationships will improve, my career will take off, my house will finally be neat and clean. When we lose the weight, life will
The “fight” reaction to panic around losing weight often comes on very suddenly, triggered by a specific memory or event, like Analisa’s realization that her friend’s visit was only three weeks away. In the fight reaction, we’re overwhelmed by a feeling of desperation to lose the weight now at (almost) any cost. In those moments we’re convinced that weight is the full measure of our value as individuals. Nothing else about who we are, what we have to offer, or what we’ve accomplished can possibly have as much worth as our weight.
That’s what happened to Analisa. Overcome by shame, fear, and anxiety, she couldn’t imagine enjoying her visit with her friend; all she could do was feel threatened by it. The story running through her head was the only outcome she could envision. Every time Analisa thought about meeting her friend, she was preparing herself mentally and emotionally to fend off the backstabbing, judgmental attack that seemed inevitable.
When we’re experiencing this fight reaction, we tell ourselves that we need the panic—no matter how painful it is—because panic is our last hope. If we stop panicking, we are giving up on losing the weight. We believe that we have to be hard on ourselves because when we’re not, we gain the weight back. The panic itself becomes a reason to believe that we can still somehow lose the weight.
THE “DEFEAT” PATTERN OF PANIC
Compared to the fight reaction to panic, the “defeat” pattern of panic can seem deceptively calm.
“It’s my badge of failure,” Joni said of her weight. The worst part, she added, was that everyone could see her badge of failure, every single day.
“How much motivation do you feel to take care of your body when you see it as your badge of failure?” I asked.
“None,” she replied.
“I don’t blame you,” I told her. “If I saw my body as a badge of failure, I wouldn’t take care of it, either. Who would want to spend time caring for something they hate?”
At first glance the defeat pattern can seem like the exact opposite of panic. It looks like giving up, like we don’t care about our weight. Junk food, overeating, not exercising—all the ways we abuse ourselves and our bodies seem justified. We have gained the weight and failed to lose it. We have been deeply disappointed by our failure to lose the weight. We have spent so much energy fighting; enough is enough. Finally, we are waving the white flag, admitting defeat. It’s the smart thing to do, we tell ourselves. The weight loss programs and diets that everyone else lost weight on don’t work for us. Being fat is who we are, so why fight what we clearly can’t control?
Below the surface, however, we never do accept our weight. We cannot. We think about our weight constantly but we can’t face the disappointment and pain behind it—not again. It’s too overwhelming, too deep. It would break us. Instead, we wear defeat like a mask, a disguise to cover the shame and self-blame we stuff ourselves with. Beneath the surface, we’re just as panicked about our weight as when we are in fight mode. In fact, in the defeat pattern of panic, we may feel more desperate and anxious than ever.
Why We Panic
When we’re panicked about weight, whether we’re having a fight or defeat reaction, we feel sure that losing all the weight will fix everything. In panic mode, even when we appear to have given up, nothing seems as important to us as losing the weight. If we could only lose the weight, we tell ourselves, everything would be different, our lives would be different, we would be different.
Our panic begins to feel more powerful than we are, so we buy into the idea mass media and mass culture sell us every day—that thin equals happy and carefree. If or when I lose the weight, we each tell ourselves, my relationships will improve, my career will take off, my house will finally be neat and clean. When we lose the weight, life will
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