Read Online The Suicide Diary by Kirsten Rees - Free Book Online Page A

slowly to the kitchen and poured a glass of water which I tried to drink as I knew I wouldn’t be able to carry it up the stairs without spilling it everywhere. I started unsteadily up the back stairs and using the wall for support I made my way to the little W.C. since it was farther from my Mother’s room than the family bathroom. The cool dark floor looked inviting, but even in my confusion I was still aware of my family and the lies I had told. If they found out where I'd been, I would never be able to see Chris again. I pictured him dramatically cast out like Romeo and I couldn't bear the thought.
    Splashing my face with cold water helped a little and I managed to steady my breathing and follow the wall again until I reached my Mother's room. I tried to sound normal as I whispered "That's me home, goodnight" to her and dragged my heavy body towards my welcoming bedroom. Unlike the other doors in our beautiful, old house, I had made sure the hinges on mine were well oiled, so I could quietly creep into my room without the noise waking one of my brothers. I didn't want either of them to hold the threat over me of telling mum I had been drinking. No matter how much they loved me, leverage was everything during sibling rivalry.
    My body seemed to sink deep into the mattress and I pulled the quilt tightly up under my chin. Despite the thick cover over me I felt cold and lay shivering in the dark. Now I was wide awake, when a moment before I’d felt like I wouldn’t even make it to my bed. I hadn’t been a virgin but Chris hadn’t known that and it had been our first time together. I felt awful that I couldn’t even remember most of it and only flashes were coming back to me. He would call me in the morning. I would speak to him then. I lay staring at the ceiling for a while, and not too long after I must have fallen asleep.
    It was two days before his call came. He didn't like when I called him in case he was busy with work, and so I waited as patiently as I could. I know it sounds pathetic, maybe I knew that at the time too, but you keep telling yourself it's alright until you know better.
    "Baby I've missed you so much. Tell me you love me." The sound of his voice through the phone flooded my mind with memories of the last few months. I had been angry, frustrated and disappointed, and yet everything I had been ready to say to him was somehow lost in the back of my throat. He had said the one word that had me distracted. ‘Love?’ He wants to know that I love him. If I love him !
    "You must know how I feel." I replied.
    I couldn't quite bring myself to say the actual words straight away. A small part of me knew I was admitting defeat.
    And that was how it went on between us. I was as enamoured as a snake to a charmer. Only hearing his music and swaying to the rhythm he created. When we were out, he was so attentive and sweet to me. For those short periods, I would feel like I was worth his adoration and I wanted it to last forever.
    At the parties, Chris’ friends would wrap their arms around my shoulders and proclaim I was such a good influence on him. I wasn't even sure what they meant by that but I smiled as if accepting the compliment.
    A few weeks later at another party I was sat talking to a group people I had come to consider friends. We were laughing about something when I felt a sudden burning sensation on my right arm. I flinched and turned to see what had caused it but saw only the damage. There was a red circular mark near my elbow and the distinct smell of burning.
    I looked up quickly and noticed Chris sat next to me with a cigarette in his mouth. Of course it had been an accident, but surely he would have noticed; it hadn’t merely grazed my arm, there was a slight indentation as if it had been stubbed into it. But he was mid-conversation with the guy beside him and didn’t look my way until I nudged him and indicated the cause of the tears in my eyes. His on the other hand, became full of concern